Cheapshot And Co.

Meme purveyors to the internet. No subject  sacred – no jibe too mean.  Try us for all the things you’re too slow to think up in person.

Here at Cheapshot & Co, we monitor the social media traffic hour by hour. Whenever an opportunity to mock a country’s political leader or head of state presents itself you can dial our exclusive private service and we will sell you your opinion wrapped in sarcasm or irony. We are totally non-political and non-partisan – we’ll agree to jazz up and jiz up any mean thoughts you may have.

If you are incapable of thought, subscribe to our premium service and let us make you kewl, kutting-edge, and klever. The KKK package would suit you admirably.

Note: With every discount troll package we include a free mockery of Donald Trump. If you’re European and not currently on a ventilator you qualify for the Sawdust Sausage Discount.

Don’t delay. Note: After November we may be offering a Laugh At Biden doorbuster sale. Check back then.

Honesty For Beginners

You’ll see a lot of use of the word ” honesty ” in the next few months. This is a lead-up to an American presidential election, a wind-down from a Chinese virus, and a cut -back on the availability of money. In the first two cases, do not expect it in any actual form – for the last cited – the money business – people will be surprisingly candid.

The election is probably going to be contested by failures – windbags of Washington who would say and do anything to gain or retain power. They both command, or are commanded by, armies of minions, minders, and puppeteers. These people would assassinate their candidate in a heartbeat if they thought they could get away with it, but the politicians know how to protect themselves against this sort of thing. So it will be a fair and open contest for the grossly blundered votes of America. Do I have a preferred candidate? I do not…I am fully occupied in writing out curses upon both their houses. I have faith that eventually the USA will have a decent President – some day – but from whence I cannot say.

The Chinese virus is with us now, has been with us for longer than they’ll admit, and will stay for longer than we care to speculate. We’ll get denials, stonewalling, accusations, and bullying tactics to try and maximise its effect upon the West while exonerating the East. Eventually the currently careless portions of the world will get smart or dead and it will peter out. There may even be a vaccine preventative one day, but that’s little consolation for the millions it will kill now. We’ll get no honesty from the Communist Party Of China but we may find out the truth through other agencies.

The business downturn and money drought is evident now and will be increasingly so as time goes on – you’ll be able to see it in black and white…or red and white…figures. The wise people will become more frugal and less demanding and probably live pretty well. Those who locked themselves into expensive lives will find that the locks can be opened and they can be thrust out.

There will also be some honesty in race relations now that there has been a flare-up of US rioting at the start of the summer. The reality that the races dislike each other has been self-evident for some period of time -roughly the last 400 years – but up till now popular culture has avoided admitting it. Whether it will ever be altered is to be seen – but there’ll be a period of intense agitation for the rest of the year. Here in Australia we’ll get our own copycat version of it.

This weblog column will not be a popular or good thing to read, but I’m not selling feels – I’m selling honesty. I expect to be yelled at for it.

Your Government Grant Is Ready

He’s right there at Appomattox Court House. Just waiting for you. General? General Lee? Are you going to get out of bed? General ?

Well that was probably the last US government Grant that did any good at all – though poor old R.E. was probably not in a good mood to be getting one.

I’m more sanguine. The feds and the state government seem to be showering the coins down just at present. Adding together the factors of my low income, age, and health care card seems to have opened up the coffers somewhat. I won’t get paid for not being at work because I am not employed anyway, but they threw $ 750 at me, then another $ 100 or so every so often to ease the rates or the water or other utilities.

This is good, as I do not propose to go travelling or buy expensive motor cars or caravans. I eat regularly and well, but I cook regularly and well, too. There’s a link there that I intend to foster. As far as purchasing expensive clothing with the money…well I have a closet and a wardrobe full of expensive clothing that never gets worn. Even the pile of cheap underwear and socks has not diminished – so the economic stimulus will likely go to groceries.

Is the household doing poorly? No, it’s not. It’s warm, cosy, fed, watered, and entertained. The local library sent a mystery book hamper that is being read through and these are apparently available as many times as we ask. Don’t mind if I do. The beer fridge is full.

I shall watch the account to see if further amounts arrive.

U No Try Pull That Shit On Me

I noted a refrigerated van in the forecourt of my local grocery shop had a sign painted on the side:

” Family Owned Business ”

The sign went on further to tell us to buy our meats from the owners because…because… they were related to each other. It’s not the only time I’ve seen this appeal to the customers using the familial dodge. Well, lemme tell you something folks…

Jesse and Frank James ran a family business, and didn’t the railroads know it.

So did the Borgias. Care to stay for dinner?

The fact that the employees of a business are related by blood, spit, snot, or shit does not guarantee that the products of that firm are good. In fact it raises a number of mouth-drying questions:

a. If the goods produced are crook, who has the courage to go to Uncle Reg or Daddy Bob and complain – or to peach on other family members?

b. If the result is a coverup and the whole thing is a sell, who has the courage to take it elsewhere?

c. Who deals with the shops and how many times does money change hands, and in which direction?

d. Who’s knifing whom in the family to be the next ruler? That’ll tell you whether the goods are going to be the same as they were. When they plan to do it will tell you when the prices are going to rise.

 

 

It’s All There Fault…

There – as in over there. Them. Those. The other people who are not us…at least the ones who are not me.

It’s a time-honoured principle to find fault with others. It makes the world an easier place to understand and excuses us for our own faults and failures. Sorry..I meant foibles. Or quaint characteristics. Charming quirks. The bad things that we do but you can’t blame us…*

Let me get back to operating the blame thrower. There are lots of ways of doing this:

a. Modern – blame Donald Trump. If you drop a water glass on the floor and it shatters, it is Trump’s fault. If it’s only a small glass you can substitute Scott Morrison.

b. Retro – blame George W. Bush.

c. Feminist – blame men. Use the two Presidents and the Prime Minister named above plus Bill Clinton. And your father and your ex.

d. Ethnic – blame the whites. Or the Jews. Or the West in general.

e. Religious – blame the Catholic Church. Or the Jews again.

Note that there is no mention of colour other than white nor sex other than male. The political politicians that get the blame are mostly the conservative ones  – Slick Willy is somewhat of an exception.

If you are tempted to blame the Russians for fomenting civil war and murder in Syria or the Chinese for poisoning the planet with a virus – don’t. They don’t like it and it will just draw fire from their propaganda machines. If you feel you want a bit of variety in your scolding pick one of the South American or Central European nations and let fly at their head of state. No-one will dispute you because no-one knows who they are – and no-one cares.

*  This is all speculation upon my part. I have no faults.

Detesting Donald Trump

I don’t actually, but don’t let me stop you.

Go for it. You do whatever you feel is right, or virtuous, or kewl. I won’t say you nay, or yay for that matter…because what I say doesn’t matter. You might be in a different situation – perhaps you are an American voter or an influential journalist or the Leader of the House of Representatives. If so, I will stand back and let you make your own mistakes. I meant decisions…did I say mistakes? I meant decisions.

For the rest of the world, it might be a more honest response to ignore the orchestrated hate exhibited for Mr. Trump and concentrate upon our own actions, nations, and leaders. We have far more power to raise or lower our guard, standards, or local political careers than we do those of Washington, Moscow, or Peking. That we do not says more about us than all our memes and protestations on Facebook say about the targets of our bile.

Look, take a break. Detest someone else for a while and give your Organ Of Hate a rest. Excoriate some African or South American robber-dictator. There are more than enough of them to give you a Miss Maud’s choice. You can do a hate du jour if you wish, complaining about a different regime each day for a month. You’ll end up sounding ever so much more cosmopolitan and kewl than just banging away on Donald. And you may make undying friendships amongst the migrants.

Or undying enemies. Your choice.

Dark Despair

Why is despair always dark? And why is hope always light? Is this racism on an emotional level?

If these two polar opposites are to be the ends of the spectrum, what shall we do with the rest of the colours? Oh, I know we are supposed  to have the blues when we are unhappy, but what shall we do with the purples? Or the yellows?

And getting more technical – if you go to the paint counter at Bunnings and leaf through the paint swatches youll be staggered at the variety of shades – all of which have evocative names. Andalusian Taupe, for instance – or Violently Jangling Green. Off-Off-Whitishly Beige is a possibility, and makes a statement. Possibly down at the Police Station.

The US military had a good system to specify colours – the FS, or Federal Standard index. FS 65990 is a recognised shade of something or other that may appear on a fighter plane or a Federal toilet. Unfortunately the book for the FS is updated every now and then and old colours deleted. This leads to scale model painting enthusiasts getting into bitter arguments with each other on the internet and probably causes museum curators to tear their hair out.

I favour the computer system of RGB numbers. If you have any sort of an editing program that allows you to post a colour in three numbers, you can have anything you want and know that it is the same everywhere. For example, dial up 132/142/181 on an RGB patch and it becomes RAF Azure Blue. Spray it on the underside of your Spitfire.

 

If It’s Going To Fight Us…

MAKE IT FIGHT ALL OF US.

A paraphrase of a  wartime poster that pomoted unity in the Allied countries. And a damn good slogan for right now.

Get together with someone else who is alive right now and do what you can to keep them alive. If you are required to be in isolation – stay in isolation. If they are, figure out some way to make sure that they have what they need to be safe.

Don’t be a hoarder. Don’t be a chazer. Don’t take where you don’t need.

Don’t waste. Don’t squander. Don’t consume when you don’t need to. Don’t travel when it’s not essential.

It’s war – germ war. Death is coming. Austerity is coming. Fight the germ – not each other.

The enemy is not human, but you can be.

The Ill WInd

It is interesting during this year of the Wuhan Plague to contemplate people’s reaction to it. Not the panic hoarding business – that is the common reaction at the start of any war, and is usually stopped by rationing.

I mean the social media reaction. The reaction of people who you know – not faceless strangers in a supermarket. People with whom you have had some past contact – however tenuous. I’m not a big collector of contacts in the Facebook sense, but there’s about 230+ I can identify. They rather fall into a set of categories this year – and it’s they who have sorted themselves out. Here’s the groups:

a. The people who post incessantly.

Heretofore they have been associated with Facebook games and promotions for home-selling goods – or for their children. In some cases they have been doing this for profit, and in others just to have some outside contact. I expect this behaviour will increase. If it helps them cope with self-isolation, this is probably a good thing. I certainly cannot fault someone who is proud of their family – after all, I show off my family of toy airplanes a lot.

b. The people who post mysteriously.

I’m not good with mysteries. I’m afraid their posts are largely bypassed. There may be gems there, but they remain buried.

c. The people who post religious messages.

I do not begrudge them these messages, as I realise that they are doing something to buoy their own spirits, but the tackier ones are a little embarrassing. Perhaps they reveal more of the inner workings of their mind than I care to know about.

I would post excerpts from Ton Paine’s ” Age Of Reason ” if ‘twould do any good…but they evidently draw their comfort from other thoughts, so I refrain.

d. The people who post memes and repeat messages from other people…for some political gain.

Here I start to look more critically at the poster. One or two of this sort of thing occasionally is probably a valid expression of freedom of speech – a good thing in Australia and other western countries. A novelty elsewhere, I daresay.

When the posting becomes repeated and overbearing, the poster takes on the character of political tyrant – in some cases it can reveal bigotry, bias, sycophancy, malice, and other dire characteristics. It can tie people to right-wing, left-wing, or criminal groups and make them seem to be a part of far worse things.

It is amazing – I’ve got people in my 230+ who hate Asians, Africans, Muslims, Jews, Americans, Catholics, Liberals, Conservatives, communists, capitalists, men, women, gays, lesbians, trans-genders, and possibly the Mr. Whippy man. There is surprisingly wide basis of hatred, though no-one applies it to everybody. I suspect many of posters are undergoing their struggles, but few are going to produce a two-part book about it…

e. The people who do not do the above. They share pictures of pubs and meals, dogs and cats, cars and artwork, historical postcards, fashions and clothing. These people I treasure.

There are more sub-categories but I leave that to the Univac* to sort out with the paper cards. Some card slots will fill up and I’ll read them. Some I’ll avoid. And just a few –  a very few – I’ll  quietly empty into the bin.

*Look it up, child. Look it up.

The Pledge Of Allegiance Vs The Oath To The Flag

Or the Rite Of Sacred Honour. Or the Secret Ceremony Of the Three Mountains.

I am currently reviewing the possibility of demanding an oath from everyone. I mean a patriotic one – I can already get oaths from people by stamping on their toes, though some of the words don’t bear repeating. I’m drawn to the project by memories of the Oath Of Allegiance I used to take as a kid in an American grade school.

It was a weekly, if not daily ritual in the Cold War 50’s  – you stood in the first morning class, faced an America flag, and pledged allegiance to it and to the republic for which it stood. As far as I remember, it seems to have worked for me right up until I became an Australian citizen – I never led an armed rebellion against the USA.

In Canada we stood in lines in a morning assembly and sang either ” God Save The Queen ” or ” O Canada “.

Thinking about it, I’ve never led an armed expedition against Queen Elizabeth II either, so the 1970 citizenship ceremony was just as effective – and it was a one-dose ritual. Whether having school children here in Australia do a daily promise to be loyal will pay off or not remains to be seen. The ones who are going to be criminal little shits will do so despite any promise to be good and the others will be responsible citizens anyway. The migrants who take an oath of allegiance at their induction into citizenship mostly take it very much to heart anyway.