” It’s All A Mucking Fadhouse “

That feeling of exasperation when you are surrounded by people all trying to be cooler than each other – and the end result is the ambient temperature drops dramatically. And these desperate social actors live on drama…

I was always a conservative and repressed little fellow. Primary school and high school saw me dressed as my mother commanded and – to be honest – there was not a lot of sartorial splendour in rural Canada in the 1950’s. You could be well-dressed in a flannel shirt and jeans. The delightful thing for me is that this is still the case 70 years later.

You were also not encouraged to be either high, wide nor handsome in your opinions and speech. This may still be the case in Canada, though you are allowed to be scornful of the American President as long as he is not a Democrat or coloured. Hey, Canada has some standards, even if they are double…

But getting back to conservatism…it need not be a bad thing. It’s just a matter of context. No-one really wants an eye surgeon or dentist who is wild and cutting-edge radical – particularly when you’re their their patient. And few of us welcome return-to-the basics airline pilots who always fly at 500 ft. and stick their fingers out the window to see which way the wind is blowing. We reserve these things for their natural place.

Likewise we might well do with a politician who is not continuously at the barricades – particularly if they have no idea in which direction to throw their paving stone. A person who is not driven by popular shrieks from the mob is helpful. Even the shrieking radicals appreciate them, as they provide convenient targets for mindless abuse.

So calm down a little. You’ll still be able to subvert western civilisation and look kewl but you can do it at a less frenetic pace. And better dressed.

From Lively Imagination To Deadly Earnest

Or ” How To Clear A Cocktail Party Faster Than A Police Raid “.

You’ve all seen motion pictures of the 1920’s when the police raid a speakeasy – the black marias hauling away the patrons of the saloon while the heroine struggles with the comic cop. Well you can achieve the same effect at the next party you attend, even though it isn’t Prohibition. Just follow these simple steps:

a. Locate a focus. She, and it will often be a she, will be of a certain economic class and live in a certain suburb. Age will not be important, though you’d be wise not to ask it. If there are no females present you’ll still be able to find someone who will be able to act as a focus of trouble. They’ll also live in that same suburb.

b. Wait until the focus has had half a glass of sweet wine. This is to loosen the neurones. They are possibly rattling in their bearings anyway, but you never can tell.

c. Ask if they have had their shot of flu vaccine. Stand back and cover your drink in case they explode.

d. Wait until they are surrounded by attackers and defenders and the noise level rises.  A vaccination fight is a fearsome thing. Station yourself beside the closed exit door.

e. When angry people start clamouring to leave, charge them money to pass through the door.

f. Bank the proceeds and keep a note of the total for tax purposes.

If you don’t want to talk about vaccines -and some people are genuinely phobic about needles – then you can substitute natural gas exploration or wetlands or race relations. They’ll all have an opinion and if there are 50 guests there will be 53 different ones. Double that in certain circles.

You may need a larger cash box…

 

Cheapshot And Co.

Meme purveyors to the internet. No subject  sacred – no jibe too mean.  Try us for all the things you’re too slow to think up in person.

Here at Cheapshot & Co, we monitor the social media traffic hour by hour. Whenever an opportunity to mock a country’s political leader or head of state presents itself you can dial our exclusive private service and we will sell you your opinion wrapped in sarcasm or irony. We are totally non-political and non-partisan – we’ll agree to jazz up and jiz up any mean thoughts you may have.

If you are incapable of thought, subscribe to our premium service and let us make you kewl, kutting-edge, and klever. The KKK package would suit you admirably.

Note: With every discount troll package we include a free mockery of Donald Trump. If you’re European and not currently on a ventilator you qualify for the Sawdust Sausage Discount.

Don’t delay. Note: After November we may be offering a Laugh At Biden doorbuster sale. Check back then.

Honesty For Beginners

You’ll see a lot of use of the word ” honesty ” in the next few months. This is a lead-up to an American presidential election, a wind-down from a Chinese virus, and a cut -back on the availability of money. In the first two cases, do not expect it in any actual form – for the last cited – the money business – people will be surprisingly candid.

The election is probably going to be contested by failures – windbags of Washington who would say and do anything to gain or retain power. They both command, or are commanded by, armies of minions, minders, and puppeteers. These people would assassinate their candidate in a heartbeat if they thought they could get away with it, but the politicians know how to protect themselves against this sort of thing. So it will be a fair and open contest for the grossly blundered votes of America. Do I have a preferred candidate? I do not…I am fully occupied in writing out curses upon both their houses. I have faith that eventually the USA will have a decent President – some day – but from whence I cannot say.

The Chinese virus is with us now, has been with us for longer than they’ll admit, and will stay for longer than we care to speculate. We’ll get denials, stonewalling, accusations, and bullying tactics to try and maximise its effect upon the West while exonerating the East. Eventually the currently careless portions of the world will get smart or dead and it will peter out. There may even be a vaccine preventative one day, but that’s little consolation for the millions it will kill now. We’ll get no honesty from the Communist Party Of China but we may find out the truth through other agencies.

The business downturn and money drought is evident now and will be increasingly so as time goes on – you’ll be able to see it in black and white…or red and white…figures. The wise people will become more frugal and less demanding and probably live pretty well. Those who locked themselves into expensive lives will find that the locks can be opened and they can be thrust out.

There will also be some honesty in race relations now that there has been a flare-up of US rioting at the start of the summer. The reality that the races dislike each other has been self-evident for some period of time -roughly the last 400 years – but up till now popular culture has avoided admitting it. Whether it will ever be altered is to be seen – but there’ll be a period of intense agitation for the rest of the year. Here in Australia we’ll get our own copycat version of it.

This weblog column will not be a popular or good thing to read, but I’m not selling feels – I’m selling honesty. I expect to be yelled at for it.

Slogan!

Slogan, Slogan, Slogan!

And if you try to dispute it in any way you’re a Pejorative!

We stand in solidarity with the Political Group On The Internet and will be taking Virtuous Action! If we can get enough people in front of the camera we’ll use two exclamation points. And go for a latte afterwards.

Don’t try to stop us, by which we mean do try to stop us as soon as the sound man has his recorder working. If the media is delayed, hold off on the yelling until they arrive. No sense wasting outrage if it’s not going to be televised.

And don’t try to take off your name badge, even if you don’t wear one. We know who you are. We know where you live. We know your PIN number. Well, actually we don’t know that but we would like to find it out. Our local ATM isn’t lit very well and we can always wear masks when we make a withdrawal. What is your number…?

But don’t you dare wear a mask, you Pejorative!

 

Mob

” Mob “….This is a perfectly good English word that appears in the dictionaries defining a perfectly bad group of people. Doing bad things, but rarely in a perfect way. Think Reign of Terror in France in the 1790’s and Chicago gangsters in the 1930’s…

Yet it appears to have been selected by local indigenous people as a collective noun for themselves. I’ve heard it in radio and television interviews from their mouths and have seen it in their writing. It seems a strange choice to make by people who wish to be seen as honourable and virtuous.

Was it a mistake? Did someone think it meant something else? Was it a sneaky trick pulled on them by some political writer? Or is it in the same class as the word ” bad ” when that is used by those who wish to be perceived as powerful? Are they trying to revise the dictionary to suit their own ends? Will we get, as the Cheshire Cat might have it, a word that means what they want it to mean?

Well, who knows whether it will work. I guess the proof will be in the pudding…or the actions of the people who use it. As a rallying word it might like ” Volk “…used in central Europe the 1930’s. And possibly for the same purposes…

Addendum: ” Mob ” is a collective word used in Australia for a large number of sheep. Again a strange choice; you should always be careful what you say about yourself.

” If You Don’t Agree With Us…”

” You’re wrong.”

How about if I keep my opinion to myself?

” Still wrong. Even wronger. ”

Is wronger a real word?

” It is if we say it is. Now back to how evil you are. You have to support us physically, morally, verbally, and financially, or you are immoral. ”

And this would be because you say so?

” Yes, and all these posts that we have shared on Facebook agree with us. We are virtuous and right and you are not. And every minute you fail to fall into line with us counts against you. ”

Wow. Every minute? Even when I am in the shower or asleep? Does the mechanism of virtue reset itself at midnight? Or when I cross the International Date Line?

” Blasphemer! Racialist! Vile Creature! We shall organise marches condemning you and protesting at the way that you refuse to listen to me…I mean us! ”

Goodoh. While you’re up protesting, could you loot me a fifth of Jack Daniels? Ta.

 

 

Those Damned Re-Writers…

Just when you think you have the perfect slogan for your propaganda campaign – ideal size, catchy words, simple sentiment…the damned opposition re-writers get ahold of it and turn it against you.

Then you have to make a whole series of ancillary statements to try to turn the attention back to yourself and to your creed. And none of those extra statements really do it – they cannot erase the connection between the re-write and the original propaganda slogan. They just dilute it…

An example? The dear old Nazi slogan ” Eine Reich, Eine Volk, Eine Führer ” played well pre-war and in the early days when they were winning. But all you have to do is show an aerial view of the ruins of Berlin being shovelled into handcarts by the surviving civilians and add a sign above it : ” Keine Reich, Keine Volk, Keine Führer ” and it all collapses.

Another example is current. You’ll have seen it…and the re-write. Infuriating, isn’t it?

The Ill Manners Award

We often see award ceremonies on the television. They can be for motion pictures, television productions, or other public entertainments. It’s no surprise to see this, as the mechanism of entertainment is best placed to laud itself.

In the publishing, press, and literary world this sort of thing is also…well…rife. Not content with just the Pulitzer prize contest, many organisations make subsidiary contests with awards of honour to whomever their committee decides upon. I suspect some of these, but then I was always a cynic about the $64,000 Question, too.

Step further into the market place and you will encounter literally hundreds of trade-related awards that are trumpeted and bestowed every month. Every division of every business that wants to have an excuse for publicity can invent a contest and an award. Lucky you if you can afford to win or buy a trophy.

I propose an award from the Backstabbers Guild of Australia that will focus upon ill manners. I’ll survey the year’s crop of Facebook posts, news headlines, and scurrilous rumours and award first, second, and third place to those people who have been outstandingly egregiously foul. I have one candidate already.

Do you wish to nominate someone? How ill-mannered of you. Award date is the first of July.

What Do You Want From A Prime Minister?

I want a statesman. Or a stateswoman. I want someone who the whole country can be proud.

I want one who has been elected fresh – not boosted from the cabinet ranks in the latest round of musical chairs. I want the apple I bought, not a sudden substitute from further down in the barrel..

I want one who is not radio-controlled from a union party room or some cabal of moneyed backers. I want one who cannot be cowed and refuses to be insulted by other nations throwing their weight about. I want one that can’t be bought or sold.

I want one that is there when the country needs them, and who stays through the crisis. I want a leader who – like King George VI – will never leave.

I want one who knows when to have a laugh and when to be sober. Above all I want a dignified person – not a Pierre Trudeau or Donald Trump – as our figurehead. I want the PM to communicate from Canberra or the Lodge and not on Twitter or Facebook. I’d prefer truth to lies but whichever we get, let us get it through official pronouncements rather than angry rants or press conferences.