The Russians Have Been Influencing The Elections In Moscow

Apparently with the help of Julian Assange, Donald Trump, and Robert Mugabe. Or so the latest sidebar wisdom from Facebook would have us believe.

I’m fully prepared to agree with this – if only in an effort to get away from the arguments about whether vaccines cause football players. I’m waiting until a would-be bestselling children’s author releases a statement clarifying the roll of Bob The Builder, and whether he did, indeed, fix it.

I am always amused when I hear of the secret influences the Russians are said to have on overseas governments. How secret can freighters loaded with Kalashnikovs and RPG’s be? They couldn’t even sneak atomic bombs through the Bosphorus back in Nasser’s day without getting caught at it…and having to beetle round and sail back with them. And how popular could the Russians be in the Muslim world anyway – after Afghanistan they are generally as welcome as a two-tone turd on a toothbrush.

And they have the problem of not only China, but North Korea. Oh, they are meant to be allies of both countries, but being an ally downwind of either of these places is a worrisome matter. Especially if the wind gets lively – they have a choice of 4 billion cases of smoker’s breath or an underground nuclear test site built on the Swiss cheese principle… I have a strong suspicion there’s a growing desire on the part of a number of countries to remove the present ruler in Pyongyang…I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t a take-a-ticket machine for the various  Spetsnaz teams so that they all get their chance.

I’m actually privately pleased to see that the Russians are getting their act together…if they could ever be said to do that…and getting more consumer goods. That’s the real ticket to world peace. The Chinese went from being regarded as outer-space alien zombies to world shopkeepers in the space of 30 years and there is nothing to stop the Russians, with all their mineral wealth, from doing the same. Nothing except the Russians, mind…



Order Now For the Holidays

Is your workplace slowing down with the onset of spring? Are the employees getting lackadaisical about their duties in the warmer weather. Has love blossomed, and is the resultant pollen clogging your corporate sinuses? Well the Backstabbers Guild of Australia ( Industrial Division ) has good news for you. Now you can clamp down again without triggering industrial safety legislation or the nuisance of state inspectors.

Call our office today and we will send out a trained consultant to analyse your business. We’ll pinpoint the spots in your workplace where employees are enjoying themselves and make sure that you can put a speedy end to it. From the simple ” cut down the meal break until indigestion takes over ” to the ” push technical papers under the stall door in the toilets ” we will be able to bring a complete range of bastardry to your management procedures.

No longer will you have to sit in your office listening to laughter. No more employee jokes. No more leaving on time. And our work comes with an iron-clad guarantee – if your employees are not miserable by the time we leave the premises – and stay miserable for a minimum of 30 days after the commencement of the treatment –  we will clap them in irons. We can confidently make this promise because we have been promoting unhappiness for over 20 years in this country. When you’re onto a bad thing, stick to it.


Australians all, let us rejoice, for we are young and…


The formation this week of the Australian Council of Idiots has come as welcome news for those of is who think for a living. Whether we are writers, artists, scientists, administrators, or teachers, we have all longed for some organisation that can take the  unnecessarily stupid under their wing. And herd them away. I think we will all benefit.

In this, of course, I must exclude those who may be genuine idiots as per medical definition. They are a gift from God and deserve our care.

No, I am thinking of those who are a gift of mindless television, mindless sport, mindless political influence, and mindless consumption. You may have detected a commonality there, and it is that factor that the ACI will address.

Don’t misunderstand me – the ACI will not attempt to improve the intelligence or fortunes of their members. No evening classes in punctuation or electrical engineering or political science will be offered. The ACI will deal with the herd upon the same basis that a farmer does dairy cattle. It will push them down the road in the morning and push them back up it in the evening, and occasionally pull their teats. They can moo to their heart’s content and anything else they deposit will be scooped up and sold to fertilizer firms.

If the members get ill they will be given a salt block to lick and if they swell up with gas ( always a possibility at election time ) a sharp hollow spear will be thrust into them to let it out. They will be expected to be grateful for this, though I’ll bet we’ll hear ” I don’t like it! ” from one individual…

Every so often, the ACI will ” service ” them. You can watch if you like, but don’t stand too close.

I am thinking of joining as an affiliate member. I am practising my ” Huh? ” for the summer gathering in Canberra.




The Jewel Of The Molonglo

A guide to Canberra for the Jewel citizen.

All Australian politicians are worried. And it’s not just the fear of being ousted from office, or found nude in a seedy bar, or with their hand jammed crosswise in a charity tin. They are worried about being related to…wait for it…wait for it…relatives.

Not that this is a new thing – the politicians prior to 1972 were desperately keen to hide their ancestry in case it contained a criminal who had been deported to a penal colony. After the election of the Whitlam government and the blossoming of national identity known as the Bogan Spring, the fear shifted to the possibility of not having a criminal ancestry. Many of the ministers who were horrified to discover a pristine family history hurried to soil it as fast as they could – and many succeeded.

Now it has turned out that our national constitution contains hidden pockets of legislation that disqualify politicians from office based upon the national rulings of other countries. Some of the pollies are finding that even if their ancestors were pillars of the community in their old countries as well as Australia, it still comes back to bite them. A number have found that the various turns of not only Australian but British, Commonwealth, and foreign law have dished them.

As different people find out that the T’s were not dotted and the I’s not crossed on  various citizenship forms back in the last century, and as a consequence they are now citizens of the Dutch East Indies, Formosa, French Indo China, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, and British Umboopooland, they are desperately taking legal advice from lawyers –  who in their turn have no idea what to do except issue receipts and order another case of scotch. Every social media fan-boy and fan-girl who thinks that their side is winning is doing high fives…until one of their favourite senators or members of parliament turn up on the news ” taking advice “.

I predict there will be a fast re-writing of the section of the constitution that has caused this, a ka-ching to the lawyers who got onto it quick, and a season of cat-calling between the leaders of the major parties. Who nonetheless welcome the sideshow as a diversion from the things that they cannot say, do, or solve.

I’m just hoping they will fight it out in burkas…Pink burkas with glitter…bitch slapping on the floor of the House.

None of this could have happened to a nicer set of people…


The Statue In The Park

I have said before that my flabber is rarely ghasted, but this last week has more than made up for it. Leaving aside the North Korean foolishness, and the predictable nature of the unpredictable, we came to the hot summer rioting in the CSA and the subsequent reactions by various authorities.

This sort of clash is nothing new for the place – I can remember it back in the 1960’s, when the temperature rose and some clash set off a riot. I even seem to recall Baltimore losing a couple of whole city blocks to fire in the middle of one of them….though that may have been Philadelphia or Newark. In any case, late summer, before the kids get back to school, is the traditional time for rioting and looting. If you haven’t got a television by August it is your chance to bring one home before the football starts…

The thought of incipient riots has also proved useful for the Baltimore city administration – allowing them an excuse to edit out any of the civic statues that they don’t like on a prophylactic basis. Fair enough, though given what modern sculpture looks like these days, one could wish that they would widen the scope of their concern and pay for the cranes to take away some of the grottier pieces of new scrap iron art.

As it is, I think they could have saved a lot of work and expense by just hiring a signwriter to re-name the existing statues. Unbolt the bronze plaque that says ” General Lee ” and attach a plate that reads ” Malcom X “. Just scrub out ” Stonewall ” on the Jackson statue and write ” Samuel L. ” in its’ stead. Any one else who might be less recognisable could be tagged as Patrice Lumumba or O.J. Simpson, and everyone would be happy.

Not the rioters, mind. You don’t get a free Motorola by renaming statues…

Here in Australia we have seen a most amazing piece of theatre by Senator Pauline Hanson. For overseas readers, she is a politician from Queensland ( and that is fruitful ground for many, many posts…) who rose to fame by hating Asians* professionally. Now that she has achieved a seat in the Senate, she hates Muslims professionally. To express her dislike for them she paraded into our federal Senate chamber wearing a full-coverage burka garment – then tried to argue that she wants it to be banned.

No, I’m not making this up. It really happened. I don’t have that much imagination.

I do not know whether she has any shares in a restaurant, or owns a pick handle, or plans to change her name to Lester. I don’t really want to think about it. I have an old flabber and if it is ghasted beyond its’ rated pressure anything could blow.

I also don’t want to think about who her next professional hate is going to be. I’m not sure if she has done with the Asians, though she’s gone somewhat quiet about them. The Muslim seam will eventually play out, and she may still be digging.

Perhaps we could get her busy removing statues…

*Mostly to the Chinese, though she was prepared to be unpleasant to Japanese and Thais as well.

A Foot In Many Camps*

The dual citizenship game is heating up.

New Zealand apparently regards anyone who has ancestors or close relatives who were or are New Zealand citizens as ” citizens by descent “. They have put up an advertisement promising them a passport if they register. Many of my friends who have some sort of Kiwi connection are delighted with this. I am going to take leave to be horrified…in a kindly and genteel way.

It’s not New Zealand – that is a wonderful place full of wonderful people – it’s the concept of someone declaring you to be something…in this case a citizen… without you having a say in it. It comes very close to someone declaring you to be something else , good or bad, that you have no say in. Both actions can damage your life, if improperly applied.

In the case of Australians who wish to fully participate in their own nation’s political life, they have the problem of a flaw in the wording of the Australian Constitution that sets a wide prohibition to the ability to stand for election; no dual citizenship, and no hint of it by dint of entitlement or allegiances. Sounds good, but it means that if some other nation says you are eligible for dual citizenship –  EVEN IF YOU DO NOT TAKE THEM UP ON IT – that automatically cancels one of the most basic civil rights here.

That’s a flaw in our constitution. It needs mending…and soon.

Otherwise, the door is open to a number of abuses. A local political party could exploit some nebulous promise of foreign citizenship to deny Australians with New Zealand or Israeli or Greek connections a right to stand. A foreign government could target potential Australian political candidates who they do not want to see in power here by attaching a spurious dual citizenship to them. Even if it proved to be false, it might keep someone out of the hustings during an election. Talk about interfering with the polls…

Nope. Hands off our parliament and hands off our citizens. You’ve got enough on your plates in your own countries. It’ll be up to us to amend our constitution to show this up for the nonsense it is, and to grow up as our own legislature.

Note: This is not a push for any political party. It is a call for political independence. And for common sense.

*  But not in many mouths.



Citizenship…Getcha Red Hot Dual Citizenship Right Here…!

Australia has laws against duelling. You’re not allowed to face opponents at dawn with a pistol or sabre. Many of us think this is a case of the courts being awfully small-minded and trying to reserve all the business of solving disputes to itself.

The federal government as well, is being mean about people who are also citizens of other nations. They are debarred from holding public office and recently we have seen the start of a widespread campaign to investigate state and federal members of parliament and to call them out about it. Two have picked their hats out of the ring and slunk off.

It has even got to the point where people are worried that the nationality of their parents or grandparents will be invoked to make them dual citizens unbeknownst and thus foul up their political careers. ” Citizenship by ancestry ” may sound charming if you fancy a holiday somewhere and don’t want to stand in the foreigner’s queue at the airport, but it can also be turned rather quickly into a tar brush rather than a rubber stamp if it suits someone’s purpose.

When you start to divide up ancestries and parcel them out you can do all sorts of things.  “Half-Greek ” might still make you liable for the army. ” Half-American ” might make you liable for the IRS. ” Half-French ” might make you liable to be insulted by waiters.

Let’s not even get into ” Half-Muslim ” or ” Half-Jew “, or half of any other religion. No-one who uses this sort of terminology will be doing it for any good purpose.

” Half-Breed ” is just foul.

If we must split people’s lives and families and re-combine them to suit our own purposes, let us divide them along the lines of personality. I have always considered that I had a wide view of life but was unable to fully realise my plans. So I might be said – instead of being vast – to be half-vast.

I am content with this. At least half-way…

Note: This writer is a nationalised Australian as of 1970, has definitely given up any other citizenship, and has stamped papers from two governments to prove it. None of the countries that played host to his parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents have ever been asked to grant him a dual, treble, or quadruple citizenship. Indeed, when I visit their embassies they turn off the lights and hide behind the sofa until I stop ringing the doorbell.