Negativity Is Your Friend

Do not be bullied by Facebook contacts who post bright and shining memes every day. They are just trying to jolly you into feeling good. On the contrary – pay attention to the serious counsel of the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia. We would never lure you down the path of happiness and then abandon you smiling.

You need the bad news in your life and you need it first. It can make all the difference to whether or not you’re going to be able to recognise good news later on. Remember a spoonful of bile helps the sugar go down. And we are here to make you bilious.

Let’s take a concrete example. Suppose someone told you that a harbour cruise with business associates would promote team spirit and help you with your commitment to the family. Sounds good. Then they tell you it will be with Cousin Salvatore and Three Finger Louie Custozza and the concrete will be setting around your feet in a bucket…If they’d have mentioned the specifics of the thing first you wouldn’t have had to smile and make small talk while they tied the ropes.

Let’s face it  – good news brightens a moment but bad news works far longer.

If you want to be pessimistic yourself – either on a professional level or in the amateur league – you have all the vast resources of CNN News, the ABC, and any number of chaired academics to draw upon. You will not have heard of the academics before, but if you stand still long enough and pay them enough for appearance fees they will become a household name. They hope.

In any case we’ll all be ruined, says Hanrahan*, and we can accept this as authoritative since it has been the steady verdict since 1919. That’s a hundred years of dismal and you can’t ask fouler than that, can you…

*  North American translation – famous Australian bush poem. Go google.

 

Not So Much A Kept Woman…

As a preserved one.

I am not sure I have ever met a kept woman. At least none have ever admitted to the fact – and there have certainly been no receipts or account books on the table. Yet, I suspect that there may have been a few cases…

And not just kept women – kept men as well. I’m darned sure I know a couple of those. And fine fellows they are. I should welcome the chance to join their ranks, if the rest of my family would sign off on approval.

The concept of keeping someone is as old as the sexual urge. That’s what it amounts to in the end, and any nonsense about meetings of the minds and artistic muses can be blown up the chimney as so much smoke. There is a quid pro quo and if this involves fishnet stockings and champagne suppers so much the better. In some cases the ladies can wear the stockings…

Is it legal? Sometimes…if the transaction is adequately reported to the taxation department and no attempt made to disguise the cost of the stockings as a work-related expense.

Is it moral? Yes, of course. Everything is moral if you look at it the right way. Just turn your head sideways and squint.

Is it safe? Sometimes…relationships that are entered into loosely can be exited in the same way and sometimes they are more of an intersection or exchange station than a fixed establishment. Beware those arrangements that are so open as to permit anyone to enter.

Is it aesthetic? Well, that depends upon the parties involved. There have been more instances of frog princes than toad princesses, but it so much depends upon where the money is at any one time. It is rare for a frog prince to be kissed by a frog princess, and when it happens all you ever get are pollywogs.

Is it fun? We are led to believe it is, if we read the literature. But reading further may uncover the exploitative nature. This can be seen from both sides; I recommend reading Zola’s novel ” Nana ” for  a view of the thing. It has a weak ending, but a powerful mid-piece.

Can anyone join in? Well, considering that you need money or beauty, not everyone is free to participate. You may have neither, in which case you are better off finding true love or at least a consuming hobby. If you have both, you are in the cat-bird seat to command others. If you have one or the other, it can be sold advantageously.

What if true love intervenes? Well, then all bets are off. Cupid and Venus are the most fickle of influences and they can spoil lives as well as plots. ” Beware ” sounds trite, but beware…

Final advice. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, followed by Anita Loos’ books. A man’s best friend is a dog and a gun, provided it is duck season. Couple if you must, with or without commerce, but reserve some time for rest and recuperation. And never put anything down in writing.

Some Of The Best Questions

Some of the best questions in life have a yes or no answer.

” Do you want a beer and a sandwich? ”

” Do you realise you just won a free tank of petrol? ”

” Can I have a real pony, Daddy? ”

All answerable in either the positive or negative and they put an end to speculation comfortably. Even the slightly less pleasant ” Is it true that you threw your sister-in-law under the tramcar? ” can be dealt with by telling the truth, and will bring no further harm to the poor woman.

However, as soon as you introduce a qualifier you make trouble. You may indeed want a beer and a sandwich, but you invite criticism straightaway by asking what sort of sandwiches are on offer. Even worse – if, after the list is recited, you ask if there are any other sort…your welcome is over.

Worse can become worst. If the question about the dear departed and the public transport vehicle is asked in open court by the public prosecutor, and you counter-question:

” But wasn’t that what you paid me to do? “…

All hell may break loose. Make sure you keep a copy of the receipt.

Your Government Grant Is Ready

He’s right there at Appomattox Court House. Just waiting for you. General? General Lee? Are you going to get out of bed? General ?

Well that was probably the last US government Grant that did any good at all – though poor old R.E. was probably not in a good mood to be getting one.

I’m more sanguine. The feds and the state government seem to be showering the coins down just at present. Adding together the factors of my low income, age, and health care card seems to have opened up the coffers somewhat. I won’t get paid for not being at work because I am not employed anyway, but they threw $ 750 at me, then another $ 100 or so every so often to ease the rates or the water or other utilities.

This is good, as I do not propose to go travelling or buy expensive motor cars or caravans. I eat regularly and well, but I cook regularly and well, too. There’s a link there that I intend to foster. As far as purchasing expensive clothing with the money…well I have a closet and a wardrobe full of expensive clothing that never gets worn. Even the pile of cheap underwear and socks has not diminished – so the economic stimulus will likely go to groceries.

Is the household doing poorly? No, it’s not. It’s warm, cosy, fed, watered, and entertained. The local library sent a mystery book hamper that is being read through and these are apparently available as many times as we ask. Don’t mind if I do. The beer fridge is full.

I shall watch the account to see if further amounts arrive.

I Used To Be A Cynic…

But then I lost faith in the whole thing.

My childhood ambition was to be a Navy fighter pilot flying a jet armed with rockets that I could use to blast my schoolyard enemies with. It was probably a confused thought at the time. As I grew up my eyesight worsened and I realised that I would never be given my own Cutlass to fly…

However, as I read more and more humorists and columnist’s books in my youth a second dream slowly took form; I would be a Walter Winchell cynic; a gadfly who would blast those enemies* from closer to the ground. No rockets – just the darts of barbèd wit. By the time I finished high school I’d tried a few volleys and found they served well. I was too young to realise how blasting some adults could make them into hardened enemies and how they could revenge themselves decades later.

Then followed a long period of being kind, both professionally for a price and privately for  amusement. It was wearing but fortunately there was always the thought that I could fall back on ghastly behaviour in retirement. It’s here now and a kindly fate presented me with the platform and opportunity to write daily columns as my own editor. I look on each morning as presenting me with a new page, upon which I may write. Some mornings the inkpot contains perfume and some see it full of blood. I like the vitriol days the best, as you can wash anything in it and it comes out clean.

*  Who were they? I have no idea. I was ten at the time and foolishly failed to keep records.

U No Try Pull That Shit On Me

I noted a refrigerated van in the forecourt of my local grocery shop had a sign painted on the side:

” Family Owned Business ”

The sign went on further to tell us to buy our meats from the owners because…because… they were related to each other. It’s not the only time I’ve seen this appeal to the customers using the familial dodge. Well, lemme tell you something folks…

Jesse and Frank James ran a family business, and didn’t the railroads know it.

So did the Borgias. Care to stay for dinner?

The fact that the employees of a business are related by blood, spit, snot, or shit does not guarantee that the products of that firm are good. In fact it raises a number of mouth-drying questions:

a. If the goods produced are crook, who has the courage to go to Uncle Reg or Daddy Bob and complain – or to peach on other family members?

b. If the result is a coverup and the whole thing is a sell, who has the courage to take it elsewhere?

c. Who deals with the shops and how many times does money change hands, and in which direction?

d. Who’s knifing whom in the family to be the next ruler? That’ll tell you whether the goods are going to be the same as they were. When they plan to do it will tell you when the prices are going to rise.

 

 

Sick In The Midst Of Sickess

I am crook. I think it was a leftover cauliflower dish that did it and the effects took several days make themselves known. I’ve reviewed the professional advice re Covid 19 and have dismissed that possibility.

It’s a great comfort, but not as great as you would think. Belly pain, borborismus, and the risk of not being on the toilet when you really should be made for a poor Mother’s Day.

I’m well aware that I have no-one to blame but myself…however it makes for a damp blanket when we should be celebrating.

At least there was food in the house and we got the MD presents, cards, and flowers purchased in time.

And yes, we do have TP. Not a hoard of rolls but enough for the occasion.

I’m Worried About Sex

I took this to my therapist and she assured me that I was fine. Everyone worries about sex. Some worry that they are never going to get any and some worry that it is not going to stop. She just worries about finding her underwear later.

My own anxiety revolves around what I have been told about it. The instructions I received when I was 17 years old seem to have been changed considerably now that I am 72. I say anxiety, but really I am somewhat relieved that the etiquette and mores have been altered since 1965. I would run a mile to avoid a disco and the flared pants just get me laughed at.

Now, in the interim, I have married and fathered a daughter who is now hovering over me like a female Sikorski S-55. It is rather nice, and shows that she is a loving and caring person but it is making it darned difficult to slip out of the house and go to the hardware store. I just get to the door and I can hear the Wocka-Wocka of the blades coming up behind me with the question of what do I think I am doing…

But that interim… You woulda thought that I would have discovered the deep and meaningful message of sex in the 55 years, but I am still as confused as ever. Watching Jane Fonda movies didn’t help. I’ve watched ’em and I now know how to clear the breech on a North Vietnamese anti aircraft gun but I’ve no idea how you do the same to Jane.

There was a brief period in the middle where it all seemed to be opening up. The subject of sex, not Jane Fonda’s gun breech. Talk-dirty-to-me therapists were all the rage and there were sex shops and sex tapes and presumably trays of CWA Sex Lamingtons. I missed out on them all.

What of the future? Well Jane is no longer as exciting as she was…unless you are into political protests. I daren’t go to the pole dancing bars in case someone spots me and forces me to get up and spin round. I may have to continue writing steamy literature and let it go at that.

Good Morning. This Is Your Scammer Speaking.

During the current virus lockdown many of you are staying home and re-arranging the canned goods on the shelf, organising your sock drawer according to colour, and hemming the lawn. While these activities are beneficial, we at the BGA Department of Scamming feel that more could be achieved. Here is your guide to creative scam-based  activities that every householder can do.

a. Commence transferring your money assets from one account to another. This will enable you to escape from the Mandatory Handover Of Savings that we phoned you up about last week. To do this you click on the link below and type in your account and PIN details. The Department will take care of the rest.

Act now an qualify for a set of steak knives.

b. Home schooling is going to be big for the next few terms and this is your opportunity to become an educator without the tiresome business of Teacher’s College or certificates or books or anything. All you need to teach your children is a blackboard and chalk. Try to get the kind that squeaks as you write with it. Children appreciate having their nerves scraped raw.

You can teach whatever you wish in the next few months. If you enjoy mathematics, you freak, then you could teach that. If you feel the children would benefit from a comprehensive course of getting up on the roof and cleaning the gutters with a teaspoon, boost the tykes up the ladder and lie back with a cool drink telling them what to do.

This approach has the advantage that you can do it from a social distance and therefore offer your services to the neighbours as well.

c. On-line and internet trading is a big thing and the awkward thing of people coming to your house when you offered old furniture and stuff on Gumtree is largely gone for the moment.

Remember that whatever goods you offer need not actually be good. If you are on one sie of a country that is in state-border and airline lockdown, you can send out whatever you wish with no fear of consequences. Indeed if it is cheap enough, no-one will even bother to return it.

Your real profit can be gleaned from the ” shipping and handling ” charges that you attach to the goods. The actual cost of sending something through the post office can be surprisingly low, as long as you do not opt for first-class delivery or insurance. But who is to say how expensive your hands are and how much handling you have done to cram the porcelain figurine into a thin envelope and push it through the post box slot. ( ” Tinkle…”) Do not undersell your expertise.

d. Charity begins at home, and the wise scammer makes sure that it is someone else’s home. Register yourself with the BGA as a charitable institution and we will issue you with a full kit of begging letters, posters, and one-way plastic collection containers. For an extra $ 100 you can also get official-looking vests with the name of your charity so that when you send the children from door to door they will look the part.

Remember that charity, like fallen leaves, frequently collects in piles. Churches and Salvation missions often have collection boxes or poor boxes at the front of their premises and these are sometimes not fastened securely. A screwdriver and a few minutes work may pay off handsomely.

Wondering About The Toilet Paper

The Great Toilet Paper Scandal should be winding up about now – if we are to believe the blandishments of the supermarkets and governmental flacks. We’ve gone though the disgraceful panic hoarding episode and endured the bare shelves while we stay home – but now the vaunted normalisation is what we want.

There is an interstate ban on unnecessary travel by tourists – even a regional ban here in Western Australia. All sensible and all deserving of our support. We are staying put in our houses as per orders – with online shopping and the barest of grocery runs when unavoidable. And keeping our distance from friends and family.

Plenty of time now for the TP supply to return via normal trucking schedules.

So where is it?