Pick Your Viking Birth Month Potato…

And find out who you are compatible with. The choices we provide are:

a. Ricky Scaggs

b. Sean Connery

c. Kim Jong Un

d. Jane Fonda

Does it seem that Facebook Asylum has been taken over by the inmates? Are you sure of the universe when questions of this nature are asked of you? Fear not – it is a simple process of dragging targeting information out of you, one piece at a time. It may seem a long-winded process, but as it is essentially a cost-free activity, every speck of personal gold that can be panned out is a gain.

They now know your month of birth. Soon an enquiry will pose questions that find the year that you were born. And eventually another contest will elicit the day of the month. And there we have one of the basic ID questions for you…un-safe in the hands of whoever wants to sell it on or use it to impersonate you.

They’ll need a lot more than that, but they can get it with surveys, quizzes, contests, and such. And if you are bored enough and fool enough to supply it you will have no-one to blame but yourself when someone signs you up for a new credit card and extracts $ 98.00 from that card. You’ll have the debt collector and the bad credit name and they’ll have $ 98.00.

Make like John Banner/ Sergeant Schultz.

Know nothing.

 

” Perth Is Boring “

We’ve all heard this one. You can substitute any other place name you like for ” Perth “. The effect would be the same; someone is unpleased with the place that they live…and wants something different.

I noted this while reading a mild debate about the erection of a public sculpture ( note: erection, not demolition…). An artist wants to sell a metal sculpture of a dinosaur to the state government – or the city council – and place it in the middle of our riverfront. Not a little sculpture , but a massive 90 metre one – and for a mere $ 1,000,000. Apparently it would draw the attention of visitors.

Frankly it should draw the attention of the taxation department, the ACCC,  and the Commissioners in Lunacy.

There are enough eye-sores in our landscape as it is – we do not need to erect more.

If people find Perth boring, it is because they are either easily bored or boring themselves. Demand for spectacle and entertainment was all very well when you could set gladiators to kill each other or lions to devour Christians. Look what great things it did for the Romans, and how well we think of them for it. You could as well demand relief of boredom by instituting the same measures as they do in Syria – artillery barrages and gas attacks. No-one bored then, eh?

Or you could address the problem of personal boredom by compelling people to undertake activities and studies that would fill their minds or develop their bodies. We did it in school and were busy instead of bored. Adults have all the world in front of them to develop and learn – boredom is laziness without even the excuse of fatigue.

 

My Readership Is Growing

Since I started promoting the Karen And Sharon Institute of Opinion my readership numbers are climbing.

720 prospective new clients every day. Mind you, remember the word ” prospective “. Not all of them will ultimately subscribe to internet social platforms, let alone my own. I must accept some failure rate with sombre resignation.

Still, with a new client every minute – as Mr. Barnum wisely said – I can be sure that whenever I wish to make the local population eat soap, refuse medicine, or break statues I have only to blare it out on Facebook. If necessary I can edit the responses of the readers so that my own point of view is paramount, or I can let their posts stand to mock them later. It is a matter of having the time available and/or dealing with a case of indigestion.

I pays to be careful what soap you swallow…

” Euphemism ” Is Such A Harsh Word…

I’m not prevaricating. I’m not fibbing.  And I’m not lying.

Stretching the truth so that it fits is a time-honoured trade – joined at the hype with its twin:  bald-faced lying. They are frequently employed at the campaign offices of politicians in the run up to elections. But theirs is a smelly trade, and the odour can become overpowering. That is why Eau de Ephemisme was invented. It masks the stench.

One day I will not pass on. I will not cross the rainbow bridge. I will not become late ( for I shall never have to keep an appointment ever after…). I will die. Just the once, and probably not with any degree of sensible efficiency, but I shall eventually accomplish it. The only regret I shall have is that people will pussy-foot around about it.

Ditto the worse aspects of life – the occasions when I am taken up for train robbery, arson, counterfeiting, and tearing the tags off mattresses. In the hands of my friends these dishonourable pursuits will become sad shades of their real nature. I might become an ” undocumented recipient of wallets ” or an ” incautious user of a can of petrol and a box of matches under the orphanage “. ” Non-governmental printer ” will cover the stash of $ 13 bills I run up on the inkjet printer, but I am baffled as to how to gloss over the mattress mutilation.

I am always saddened to see people adopt a euphemism to describe themselves or what they do. It smacks of dishonesty more than politeness. If they must be fastidious, let them do it with plain language.

 

Slogan!

Slogan, Slogan, Slogan!

And if you try to dispute it in any way you’re a Pejorative!

We stand in solidarity with the Political Group On The Internet and will be taking Virtuous Action! If we can get enough people in front of the camera we’ll use two exclamation points. And go for a latte afterwards.

Don’t try to stop us, by which we mean do try to stop us as soon as the sound man has his recorder working. If the media is delayed, hold off on the yelling until they arrive. No sense wasting outrage if it’s not going to be televised.

And don’t try to take off your name badge, even if you don’t wear one. We know who you are. We know where you live. We know your PIN number. Well, actually we don’t know that but we would like to find it out. Our local ATM isn’t lit very well and we can always wear masks when we make a withdrawal. What is your number…?

But don’t you dare wear a mask, you Pejorative!

 

” If You Don’t Agree With Us…”

” You’re wrong.”

How about if I keep my opinion to myself?

” Still wrong. Even wronger. ”

Is wronger a real word?

” It is if we say it is. Now back to how evil you are. You have to support us physically, morally, verbally, and financially, or you are immoral. ”

And this would be because you say so?

” Yes, and all these posts that we have shared on Facebook agree with us. We are virtuous and right and you are not. And every minute you fail to fall into line with us counts against you. ”

Wow. Every minute? Even when I am in the shower or asleep? Does the mechanism of virtue reset itself at midnight? Or when I cross the International Date Line?

” Blasphemer! Racialist! Vile Creature! We shall organise marches condemning you and protesting at the way that you refuse to listen to me…I mean us! ”

Goodoh. While you’re up protesting, could you loot me a fifth of Jack Daniels? Ta.

 

 

I Can Read You Like A Book

” Oh? As opposed to what? Reading me like a pair of socks? ”

This isn’t about condemnation of trite phrases. I don’t condemn ’em – I use ’em. And when they are particularly apt I like to say they fit me like a…pair of socks.

But when someone says that they can see through you, predict your thoughts, or mysteriously control you by saying that they read you like a book, it’s a load of hogwash. Think of the books that you can read and in which you’ll understood nothing. That can be anything between Hegel and Kant to the instructions for your kitchen blender. The only reason that the world still turns and the blender still blends is that they do these things of themselves without you understanding a damn thing about it.

You may regard me and your regard of me in the same light. I move, turn, and blend whether you understand how or why I do it. I am a mystery to myself, and I never read mysteries.

Note about the heading image: When you were a kid, how often did you find signs or posters around the place that used nothing more than a question mark to try to get you to do something? Whether it was to go to a mystery dance at the high school auditorium or buy some new 45 rpm record…was there ever a triter or more valueless graphic approach than a bare question mark?

I eventually welcomed seeing it, as it was as good as a wave-off or a minefield sign.

Ethical Sauce

Have you ever stopped to think of the company who supplied the South African Police Service with leather szambok whips during the time of apartheit?

I’ll bet it was done to a government contract and may well have been let out to competitive tender. The quality of the whips would have been specified and samples tested to make sure they could cause the correct amount of pain. The number of black people whips delivered would have been correct before the Police authorised payment. Further down the track there would have been correct payment made to the South African Taxation Department on the profits of the contract. A thoroughly ethical transaction.

Now why don’t we see advertisements on the net today for this company and their products? I’ll bet they are still in use in South Africa and there must be many people in Australia who would welcome one  in their workplace right now; schoolteachers and office managers, for instance. If they could be assured that these whips were ethically sourced it would make everything okay.

Gotta go, but keep thinking about this when next you see an advertiser use the bait of ” ethically sourced ” for some foodstuff or cosmetic they wish to sell. Remember that ethics can be a cracking thing…

 

Just Look At This Graph

It shows the degree of time that different states feel that someone might influenced by the amount of uncertainty ( adjusted for the Reichsholz factor in the northern hemisphere ) by present trends. No data was available from Swaziland so a tonally biased exterpolation was used.

If you are concerned by this graph contact your state office of anxiety and ask to speak to a trained alienist. Callers from Roswell, New Mexico will be charged only for a local call.

And there we have the current state of play in the media game. If you came in during the last quarter you’ll have seen that there has been a rise in the number of people throwing old pizza boxes into the trash. As this has not resulted in a sufficient rise in the sales of newspapers*, sterner measures will be imposed. The bar graphs may have to be shut and reopened with plexiglass shields between the X and Y axes.

*  We mean the sales of newspapers to the public for a coupla bucks…not the sales of the things to other newspaper proprietors. That never stops.

Heading Image: Nothing to do with viruses. Just the Iranian navy firing at an excursion steamer.

Exhibit A: A Hormone

Exhibit B: A horse’s ass.

If you are unable to tell the basic difference between these two things you may qualify as a Facebook biochemical scientist. We have an audience of people who have paused their search for creme doughnut recipes and have grown tired of anti-Trump memes. They are ready for enlightenment, and you may be just the person to bring it to them. Intrigued? Read on.

The Backstabbers Guild Of Australia has always sought to ” assist ” the more fearful members of the community with those fears. To this end we have established the Office Of Worry – which seeks to supplant a natural dread of the dark or venomous snakes with more rational horrors – like vaccines or aeroplane condensation trails. In doing this we hope to help them feel like part of a regular movement…and regular movements are essential to health. Regular movements and soft paper, as Cohen The Barbarian might have said…

The current pandemic that is killing people all over the world is a perfect opportunity for us to introduce new fears, new complaints, and new bogus remedies. These are all part of the new lifestyle of reflex skepticism from which we may profit.

Are you ready to join us? Would you like to be taker or the taken? We have openings for both of these positions, though interestingly enough, these are located at opposite ends of the dog. Do let us know before we proceed.