1440 New Customers For You Each Day

Think of it. Every day there are 1440 new customers available to make your business a success*. And the best part is you do not have to pay marketing research organisations or social-marketing firms to access this bonanza – these people are provided by Heaven for you. We have the solemn word of one of the most successful marketers of the 19th century on this.

You may be thinking that your business might not fit into the demographic, or target planform, or mimeographed list on the local IGA notice board – and that as a consequence you will miss out on connecting. You need have no fear – it does not matter what you are selling, or giving away with a small charge for shipping and handling – with 1440 new clients each day – and that includes Sunday – you cannot fail to make a profit each and every day

It doesn’t matter whether you are selling sanctity or saccharine – whether your scheme involves animal, vegetable, mineral, or morality – you will find a mental string that can be plucked. Once it begins to vibrate, their money loosens and flies out of their purses and wallets. And once it flies your way, all you need is a fish net to scoop it up.

Often, just a simple paragraph will pluck enough of these mental strings to set up the sound of a full orchestra. Try this:

Are you worried about your children being exposed to secret black government helicopters spraying mind-altering GMO gluten trails in the ionosphere? Are your chakras accessing enough ancient vibrational conspiracies by the secret society – and you know who we mean…Are muslim Methodists taking over the air compressor at your local service station? Well, write in NOW for the book that they could not suppress. $ 39.95 plus postage, handling, and taxes ( slightly higher in Washington State and Mississippi ) will free you from your dependency on Big Parsley forever. You owe it to your grandchildren. And they have debt collectors to see that you pay.

Are your strings vibrating? Sounds like Berlioz on speed, doesn’t it? Well we can put you onto this same gravy train of gravitational unified energy fields – and if you build the fields, they will come. Some of them come several times. And you can purchase full HD video of it. Who said marketing couldn’t be fun?

*  One born every minute…





The Conspiracy

Did you read about Big Oil? And Big Coal? And Big Gas? And Big Cheesecake?

How about Vested Interests? They were the favoured bogeymen of my old uncle Jude, the Montana cattle farmer. They apparently explained anything that he did not like. When it was pointed out that he had a vested interest in his farm, he went all morose.

” They ” of course, are prime suspects in the downfall of everything. The ” They ” varies according to who is doing the complaining. Men, Russians, the CIA, mysterious swarthy immigrants…all guilty of being ” They “. ” They ” are a pretty active and resourceful set of villains, and can be called upon to take the blame in many circumstances. Hard to actually pin thunderstorms or badly fitting sink gaskets on them, but useful for nearly everything else…

Whether it is spraying innocent populations with mind-altering substances like oil from leaking jet engines or poo from the airliner tanks, or smuggling hordes of tiny assassins in Post Paks, the forces of evil can always be counted on for a good topic at a party or public bar. They get more active after the third pint. A nod is as good as a wink to a blind man and tinfoil helmets are proof against most known germs…or is that Tea-Tree oil?  Wear both just to be safe.

PS: Don’t forget the Rumenati – the secret organisation of cows that controls the world…

This Is An Automatic Recording From…

I’ll bet all my readers have had an automated scam telephone call by now…or are about to get one. My home phone seems to be immune, but my studio gets them all the time.

Here in Australia the scammers generally use a script that says they are from the taxation office and threaten arrest and seizure of assets to get you to start on the telephone call trail that they hope will lead them to your bank account or credit card numbers. I gather than in the USA they use the name of the FBI, IRS, or other authorities to make their criminal threats.

The classic clues are there – the silent pause before the recording starts, the faint hiss, the ever-so-slightly off accent coupled with a plausible name. The automated ones are no fun to receive, however – past the theatre of it all – because you cannot play with a machine. I now hang up on them as soon as the clues start, and dismiss them from my mind in 5 seconds. I have never lost a necessary call.

The human-contact scammers are more entertaining, as you can sometimes get one of them who has had a bad day, or a sour curry, and gently goad them into rage. I do it by being attentive, kind, and pleasant. A little vague, perhaps, wittering away now and then, wandering from the point but never too far. I play the role of stupid old white guy perfectly, as I have studied the part for years…I must sound like the fattest and slowest duck on the pond.

I’m sitting comfortably in an air-conditioned house with a drink in hand, and I’ll bet they’re not. The longer they are forced to talk to me to persuade my obviously senile mind to click on the Windows link…and I never quite seem to be able to grasp how to do it…the closer they are to lifting their safety valve. I have been able to stretch it to 10 minutes before a monumental burst of Hindi oaths terminated the conversation.

If I’m pressed for time – cooking or some other task in hand – I just say to them that they are violating the moral precepts of their religion and that they should be ashamed. It is not rude to say that – it is the truth. Maybe one day one of them will reform. Or maybe I will.

I know who to bet on…



The Boosters Club

Are You a Booster?

You’re not a Booster? Well sit right down here beside me and I’ll sign you right up. Now you can become a Full Booster, or a Semi-Booster, or a Little Bit Of A Booster…but you get a better price on your boosting if you become a Full Booster right away.

Now we also have Booster auxiliaries if you are the partner of a Booster. It means that you can boost together, except that you’ll mostly be making pots of tea and doing the washing up. Oh, it’s a grand life in the Booster auxiliaries.

And don’t forget the Booster Convention Weekend in a famous holiday resort nearby. Boosters from all over the state will be attending and there will be speakers. You can hear a full  program of speeches all through the weekend.

Now make sure that you do not miss the Booster Gala Dinner because there will be a prize for the best costume featuring a Booster and then a speech and an election. If you are a Full Booster you will get to vote and if you are a Booster auxiliary you will get to make cups of tea.

I can hardly wait, can you…?


SSSSV Motor Vehicles

Or ” Finally telling yourself the truth…”.

Calling a motor vehicle a 4 Wheel Drive is pretty specific. If it does indeed drive from all four wheels you are correct – if it only uses the front or back ones then you are running a fraud. Not that I am criticising you in any way – federal governments are founded on fraud and look how well that has worked out…

Likewise calling it an ambulance – if it has stretchers, defibrillators, and tongue depressors – is all good. Whether you can actually save anyone’s life is another thing but at least you get to play with the siren.

Army tank also pretty well defines the steel box with a big gun. People can fiddle with the terms assault gun or tank destroyer but in the end it has tracks and a loud noisemaker and if you are at the receiving end of the shell the rest is just technicalities.

But where are we with the SUV – the Sport Utility Vehicle? It looks like a fancy 4 WD, but frequently bottoms out on a beer can in the road. It has minimal actual haulage space once one has given room over to complex transmission tunnels, spare wheel stowage, and articulated coffee trays. And no-one who owns one goes any closer to sport than to drop the kids at tee-ball on Saturday before heading to the hair dresser.

I propose that the brainless suburbanites who clog the car parks with their silver or black ” Grande Oplunezia Sportifissmo iTQ 56 ” be compelled to list their hulks as SSSSV rather than SUV. Suburban Shopping School Status Vehicle. Big enough to give the owners a sense of importance and bulky enough to shield them from the consequences of their own bad driving. The kind of car that tells people that you have arrived…and makes them long for your departure.

I would not deny the country-dweller and the explorer the comfort of the 4WD. They are useful and in some cases necessary modes of transport. But I would make sure that they were restricted to the country – perhaps a cordon of vehicle inspection posts ringing the metropolitan area with sharpened steel cutter bars set at a height that would allow an average sedan to pass but sheer the cabin off an SUV. It would solve the problem of trying to reverse out of a car park bay when the sods park you in.


I Want Your Money

I want $ 39,000. Not for any really specific purpose, but I think it would be nice to have. I’d like you to provide it, please.

Don’t be frightened – I don’t want it all in one lump sum from one person…though that would be convenient. No, I realise that a number of you are going to have to club together to contribute this sum to me. I am figuring about 1000 people  – each putting $ 39.00 in the pot. Note: This is a great bargain for American readers as I am perfectly happy to take it in Australian dollars, and they are at a low price now. Grab a bargain…me.

Now I imagine that you will want to get something for your money, and will want to know what it is. And no-one happier to tell you than I – you will be getting better. If you are bad now, you will be getting good, and if you are good now you will be getting better. I still have not figured out how to sell best but keep reading this column in the next few months and I’ll tell you when I crack it.

I am sidestepping complex federal food and drug laws, avoiding Commonwealth censorship ( no movies ), and the state electrical safety act ( this column is double insulated and the casing is ultrasonically welded together ). What I am selling is a word – and as Dr. Samuel Johnson is long dead, I fear no criticism.

The word has been inspired by the habit marginal health consultants have of using ” wellness ” whenever they want to sell something. Whether it be vitamins, fish liquids, powdered dust bunnies, or sticking your toe up your bum, it is always promoted with that word – ” wellness “. Presumably it is not oil or gas wellness, though it might be wishing-wellness. Well, I plan to go several stages better. If they can mangle the language for profit, so can I.

In future, instead of something as crude and antique as ” health “, ” good health “, or ” well-being ” as Dr. Johnson might have penned, we will be directed to seek something entirely more modern – a condition that takes into account supplements, exercises, consultations, crystals, bum-flushes, and intensive locked-door booster sales sessions.

We will have;

Wellocityousidficerizational – transdementional-interfaceistic-organicalmodism

And we’ll have in books, pamphlets, pills, potions, lozenges, and iPod broadcasts. It will be on everyone’s lips and mousepads, provided we can find big enough bits of foam rubber. It will totally shut down the medical profession, the paramedical business, and  the snake-oil racket. I can’t tell you how relieved the snakes are.

So send in your $ 39.00 right now and start using the word to dominate the dinner table. We guarantee that if you use it for two consecutive cocktail parties your social calendar will clear up faster than a teenager’s nose with turbo clearasil. You will never have to fight for space around the departmental water cooler again. You will walk deserted streets in every part of town.

And how much more ” wellness ” can you stand…?

I, RS Calling…

No really. It’s all legitimate. I’m not calling from India…but I am just two suburbs away from Canning Vale…*

Goodness gracious me, it is perfectly correct and fine for me to refer to myself as I, RS. Golly Golly Gosh. My name really is Richard Stein, and it really is I calling. You just have to listen carefully for the comma. It only comes around once in 80 some-odd years. It’s a Haley’s Comma**.

I think this will be a perfect time to get myself one of those telephone schemes where you get to make free calls overseas. I will call people selected at random in the United States and introduce myself as I, RS. Instead of threatening them with investigation and jail time if they don’t give me their computer and credit card details, I will offer them discounts on canned luncheon meat.

Of course eventually someone I phone is going to twig that it is a Spam call, and either get mad or start to laugh. Either way I am onto a good thing, because I have written down the mobile telephone numbers of several people I detest and I am going to blurt them out over the phone. With a bit of luck it will go viral, or at least bacterial.

I’ll be happy with any form of sepsis.

*Local suburb with many people of Indian ethnicity in it, is it?

**And wasn’t that a fraud the last time it appeared. I’m damned if I am going to stay alive just to see it next time. Fool me once…