I have repressed desires. They are kept hidden for a number of reasons:
a. They are appalling and horrible. This isn’t true, actually, but I thought I’d capture your interest right at the start.
b. They are expensive. Well, this isn’t true either. I don’t have overly-expensive desires. In fact I hold those who do have them slightly in contempt – as people who can be manipulated by commerce. My most expensive desires mostly top out under $ 200 and I can generally steal enough from the poor-box at church to gratify them.
c. They are shameful. Well, some are. I would tell you what they were but I blush too easily. Suffice it to say that if they were to see the light of day a number of suburban streets would be cordoned off and Gordon Ramsay would ring up to try to soothe me with kind words.
d. They are possible. Now this might seem to be at odds with the idea of repression, but if you actually do get your repressed desires then they are not repressed any more. And that means that they lose a lot of their desirability as well. And then where are you? Sitting in front of a sink full of dirty dishes in your underwear with the stove out and nothing to drink.
e. Repressed desires are sexy – as opposed to sexy desires which can be inconvenient, embarrassing, and messy. There is no romance about plain old desire bellowing in rut through the local K-Mart parking lot. More often than not, it gets laughed at.
f. Repression is the new Freedom. It goes over very well in Arabia, South America, and Russia.
g. I once gratified a repressed desire and now it turns up at the doorstep every six months and demands money. That’ll teach me.