” It’s All A Mucking Fadhouse “

That feeling of exasperation when you are surrounded by people all trying to be cooler than each other – and the end result is the ambient temperature drops dramatically. And these desperate social actors live on drama…

I was always a conservative and repressed little fellow. Primary school and high school saw me dressed as my mother commanded and – to be honest – there was not a lot of sartorial splendour in rural Canada in the 1950’s. You could be well-dressed in a flannel shirt and jeans. The delightful thing for me is that this is still the case 70 years later.

You were also not encouraged to be either high, wide nor handsome in your opinions and speech. This may still be the case in Canada, though you are allowed to be scornful of the American President as long as he is not a Democrat or coloured. Hey, Canada has some standards, even if they are double…

But getting back to conservatism…it need not be a bad thing. It’s just a matter of context. No-one really wants an eye surgeon or dentist who is wild and cutting-edge radical – particularly when you’re their their patient. And few of us welcome return-to-the basics airline pilots who always fly at 500 ft. and stick their fingers out the window to see which way the wind is blowing. We reserve these things for their natural place.

Likewise we might well do with a politician who is not continuously at the barricades – particularly if they have no idea in which direction to throw their paving stone. A person who is not driven by popular shrieks from the mob is helpful. Even the shrieking radicals appreciate them, as they provide convenient targets for mindless abuse.

So calm down a little. You’ll still be able to subvert western civilisation and look kewl but you can do it at a less frenetic pace. And better dressed.

Pick Your Viking Birth Month Potato…

And find out who you are compatible with. The choices we provide are:

a. Ricky Scaggs

b. Sean Connery

c. Kim Jong Un

d. Jane Fonda

Does it seem that Facebook Asylum has been taken over by the inmates? Are you sure of the universe when questions of this nature are asked of you? Fear not – it is a simple process of dragging targeting information out of you, one piece at a time. It may seem a long-winded process, but as it is essentially a cost-free activity, every speck of personal gold that can be panned out is a gain.

They now know your month of birth. Soon an enquiry will pose questions that find the year that you were born. And eventually another contest will elicit the day of the month. And there we have one of the basic ID questions for you…un-safe in the hands of whoever wants to sell it on or use it to impersonate you.

They’ll need a lot more than that, but they can get it with surveys, quizzes, contests, and such. And if you are bored enough and fool enough to supply it you will have no-one to blame but yourself when someone signs you up for a new credit card and extracts $ 98.00 from that card. You’ll have the debt collector and the bad credit name and they’ll have $ 98.00.

Make like John Banner/ Sergeant Schultz.

Know nothing.

 

” I Need Sex “

You what?

” I need sex. If I don’t get sex I will be a failure. I will be sick. I will be terrible…”

Hogwash. If you don’t get sex you won’t be any of those things. You’ll just be yourself with your clothes on and a good deal more spending money in your pocket. You’ll have time to do pleasant and fun things without worrying about consequences. You will be able to avoid any number of unpleasant outcomes – both physical and mental.

” But everyone else is having sex. ”

No they’re not. They might be telling you that, but a great many of them are lying. They are bragging about it in hopes of making themselves look interesting or sophisticated or exciting. They could do that by reading a book.

” But what if I’m missing out? ”

Here’s a textbook on venereal diseases. Find out what you’re missing…knock yourself out. You’ll love the chapter on herpes. It’ll stick in your mind, like the virus sticks everywhere else.

” But what if I fall in love? ”

So fall. Fall as hard and fast and wet and foolish as you want to. It has nothing whatever to do with sex, as the porn channels on the internet make perfectly clear. You can have a superb romance dressed in woollen longjohns and sensible shoes. You can do it in cold weather and look absolutely stunning against crashing sea waves.

” So sex is not as good as it is made out to be? I can do without it forever? ”

Nahh. Sex is alright. Dive right in when you find a chance. But don’t hang about the edge of real life just mooning and mooching – use your time to enjoy everything else. If it gets you, it’ll grab your crotch anyway, and if it doesn’t you can be happy doing other things.

 

 

Opening The Borders

Open state borders…for trade and tourism…is all very well. We want trade and tourism; ie. we want money, and we want someone to bring it to us. But presently there is a chance that they will bring disease and death to us.

Not that this was not always the case – tourists can murder locals as easily as locals can murder tourists – and interstate commerce can impoverish as well as enrich. You just have to have the control knobs set the the right way to gain and not lose.

But now tourists can bring in a disease we cannot yet cure. It is in our interests to keep them away, and to stop ourselves from going to their homes and risking the same result. We, and they, are going to lose the chance to exchange money ( and that is all the trade ever is ) but we also give time for science to find a cure for this disease that haunts us.

We can exchange canned goods and television shows and chilled mutton. We can send disinfected parcels back and forth. Let us be content with that and wait out the cycle of disease and cure. And let’s remember where it all came from. We can’t fathom why, but we can reduce the chances again.

My Readership Is Growing

Since I started promoting the Karen And Sharon Institute of Opinion my readership numbers are climbing.

720 prospective new clients every day. Mind you, remember the word ” prospective “. Not all of them will ultimately subscribe to internet social platforms, let alone my own. I must accept some failure rate with sombre resignation.

Still, with a new client every minute – as Mr. Barnum wisely said – I can be sure that whenever I wish to make the local population eat soap, refuse medicine, or break statues I have only to blare it out on Facebook. If necessary I can edit the responses of the readers so that my own point of view is paramount, or I can let their posts stand to mock them later. It is a matter of having the time available and/or dealing with a case of indigestion.

I pays to be careful what soap you swallow…

Slogan!

Slogan, Slogan, Slogan!

And if you try to dispute it in any way you’re a Pejorative!

We stand in solidarity with the Political Group On The Internet and will be taking Virtuous Action! If we can get enough people in front of the camera we’ll use two exclamation points. And go for a latte afterwards.

Don’t try to stop us, by which we mean do try to stop us as soon as the sound man has his recorder working. If the media is delayed, hold off on the yelling until they arrive. No sense wasting outrage if it’s not going to be televised.

And don’t try to take off your name badge, even if you don’t wear one. We know who you are. We know where you live. We know your PIN number. Well, actually we don’t know that but we would like to find it out. Our local ATM isn’t lit very well and we can always wear masks when we make a withdrawal. What is your number…?

But don’t you dare wear a mask, you Pejorative!

 

Good Morning.

It makes all the difference – just saying it to people as you meet them. If it is a social meeting, it shows that you are determined to be pleasant and if it s a commercial encounter, it shows you are going to be polite. It invites a similar treatment.

I also find it is a useful greeting in the afternoon and evening as it concentrates the hearer’s attention – they think they have misheard you and listen harder. Never give the game away – do it dead pan.

When you leave, ” goodbye ” is much better than ” see ya ” or any such thing. No-one can complain of formal politeness.

Juggling 500Kg Bombs Fitted With The Typ 15 Fuse

Or refusing to be vaccinated.

Your choice – both games at the one low price. Just pay the cashier and away you go.

Next week we’re doing a special on smoking holes in the ground. Decorative, practical, and every family needs one. Installed in an instant and there’ll be room for everyone.

You know, we really can sell anything in the centre aisle dump bins at the morgue. We thought we’d reached the bottom of the barrel with the plastic meerkat skeletons, but the idea of unvaccinated schoolchildren released into the crowd of other toddlers has really been a bonanza. Our checkout staff have been worked off their feet.

I put it down to the advertising. The old point-of-death posters that warned people to get polio or flu or smallpox injections were all very well in their day, but they could only reach those who read and think. Now with the internet and social media sites we can cut out half of those qualifications – and sales of mortality have zoomed.

Of course there are naysayers – there are aways busybody physician and surgeons who try to keep people alive in spite of our efforts. You have to accept this sort of thing in every society. And modern people can be depressingly well-nourished. But with the advent of the YOLO philosophy and cheap air travel, we have hopes that it can all be countered. We’ll eventually get them with either disease or inadequate aircraft maintenance.

 

Troll Is Such An Ugly Word

And so subjective.

If I agree with you, laud you, and foam over your pants in regard to some opinion you’ve posted on Facebook…I am a Facebook friend.

If I laugh at you and post an opinion that makes you look a fool, I’m a troll. The judgement is entirely from your side, and I suggest that it is flawed. Shall we consider you a troll for putting up the original controversy? Were you trolling for acclaim, or a fight, or some baser reason?

Unpleasant remarks are bad manners whenever they are aired. But they can be primary unpleasantries as well as secondary ones, and doubly damnable for that. If you pick a fight and are punched in the nose…or reputation…because of it, the blame as well as the fist falls on you.

If you would like to be considered virtuous and kewl and on-trend…do something other than post your invitation for admiration. And if you get something other than what you trolled for, remember it the next time you share an opinion.

Never Forget What You Are Here For…

a. The adulation of the crowd. If they will not cheer for you, have those around you arrested and imprisoned. Replace them with better people. Eventually, through a series of purges, you will find the perfect supporting cast.

b. The love of a good woman. Or a good man. Or a bad woman or man, as the case may be. Or a mediocre pair. Really, just take what you can get.

c. The money. It cannot buy you happiness, but it can rent it for long periods of time.

d. The good of mankind. This approach worked out great for Joan of Arc and St. Thomas Aquinas – why not you?

e. To make a difference. Like the flutter of a butterfly’s wing. Google that one, Jimmy…

f. The beer.  Here for the beer. A trite advertising slogan that encapsulates more of real life and existentialism than you can imagine. I’ll have half…

g. The children. Yours, or someone else’s. Your choice, but remember that the tax department are pretty specific when you ask for deductions.

h. A good time. Well, you cannot argue with that. If your good time involves an anti-tank gun and the local school buses you may have some explaining to do but short of that you can pretty much suit yourself.

I. To obey God. And wouldn’t you know…I’m his closest representative. Let me see your wallet and I’ll tell you whether you are righteous. What’s your PIN number?