SOBCoin…You Knew It Was coming

Now that the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia has launched the BGAcoin it was only a matter of time before it released the next in the series – the Bitscoin. This should be carefully distinguished from Bitcoin by the fact that there is an ” s ” in the middle and by the fact that we only accept cash in a brown paper bag to pay for it. Or chickens. Or S&H coupons.

Let’s face it…we’ll take anything.

And that’s the problem. The cryptocurrency market needs respectability and dignity, and the BGA keeps very little stock of that. So we are going to introduce the ultimate respectable and dignified business scheme that you just read about on our cellphone screen – the Bitscoin.

To help us market this easy passport to financial success ( ours ), we have engaged Sunova Marketing Associates to lay the proposition before the public. They’ve agreed to lend their name to the project – we are proud to announce the Sunova Bitscoin.

There will be several levels of marketing available for this product – all the way from the Simple Sunova Bits to the Complex Sunova Bits. Those of you who have ever taken apart a Holley 4-barrel carburetor will know exactly what we mean. There will be Mean Sunova Bits and Lying Sunova Bits available, too, but only if you are over 18. We anticipate a good market in Canada where this sort of thing has been a long-established tradition, eh?

Remember that you will never forgive yourself if you do not buy Sunova Bitscoins now. Tomorrow will be too late, and it may be difficult to contact our representatives. If we play our cards right…


The Little World – The Yellow Pups

I have had to make a New Year resolution for my Little World – to only do one project at a time. It will be a serious brake upon my personality as I can be to sort of hound who goes howling off in all directions after different game…and sometimes ends up catching nothing.

The project for this year will be airfields. I think I have accumulated enough die-cast and plastic aircraft in my collection to provide suitable models for photography. They just need a setting and a story.

The first is to be RCAF Wet Dog…out on the Alberta prairies in 1943. The field is concerned with training as well as ferrying aircraft, so I will get to make quite a few different models. I say ” make ” though in some cases it will be just buying die-casts that fit into the scene perfectly. Otherwise, I must turn to the kit shelf and the airbrush.

Fortunately, the first trainers I am embarking upon are well represented in the model kit trade – the Harvard and the Tiger Moth. And as I am just regaining modelling skills in this small scale, I have opted for the simplest of paint schemes – Trainer Yellow. Also, fortunately there were few markings –  so a judicious use of decal sheets should make things look good.

Dedicated aircraft modellers will pick holes in what I do – so will diorama makers and award winners. No matter – it is my Little World and I will appreciate it.  My other readers may be sickened by the flood of tabletop photography, but that is fine too.

Note: I hope to use a trick to model time as well – you’ll see it if it succeeds.

Heading Image: it’s 40º out in the shed and I’m not there…but the paint dries a treat.

The Land Of Themandus

I’ve lived in Themandus for nearly all my life. It is not as bad a place as it is sometimes made out to be but life here can sometimes be a strain. Let me explain.

As a small child I was taken to a country that adjoined my native land. I’d no knowledge of this as I was a month old at the time, but as I grew up, those around me in the new country were able to explain it to me. I found it confusing at the time – was I living in the land of Them while I was an Us, or was it the other way around?

Fortunately my father’s employment whisked me around Country No.2 so fast that I was, perforce, mostly in the company of my parents and felt that they and I were Us and nearly everyone else was Them. This satisfied me for years as I listened to the ill-temper of school teachers and students complaining about the land of my birth…just over the border…I was also fortunate that the nomad existence prevented me from being claimed by other sorts of Us people in the Them settlements that we lodged in – I was never forced to Us it on a religious basis each week, and was able to blend in with Them whenever They had Christmas or Easter. I got chocolate eggs and turkey same as They did, though not on the same plate.

Coming to Australia in the middle 1960’s let me experience being an Us amongst a different set of Thems, and as I had been trained to the sport of being an outsider in Country N0.2, Country N0.3 was easy.

I’ve even gone so far as to become a naturalised Them here and it has worked pretty well for the last 48 years. I still grit my teeth when I hear ill-mannered talk about Country No.1 from natives of Country N0.3 but I realise that it is generally just ignorance or bias that drives it – not a personal attack.

I’m also happy to say that upon becoming a Them, and then marrying another Them, and having a child, that I have now become the leader of a small family of Us. And as long as we steer away from sex, politics, and religion in our conversation, we can all be happy.


The Regimental Quick March

I have just been listening to the regimental quick march of the Royal Armoured Regiment –  ” My Boy Willie ” – and find it a fine, bouncing tune. There are scores of these marches for all the regiments of the British Army, and I daresay a number of them have been adopted in Canada, New Zealand, and Australia on a brother-regiment basis.

As well, there are just as many suitable tunes in local styles used by the French, Germans, Russians, etc. All can call forth instant response from old service persons who marched to them.

But what of those of us who have never been called to the colours? Can we have regimental marches as well? I think we can – we just need to be inventive with them. Here’s a list of suggestions…

a. The Husband’s Division Of The Household Brigade…”The Slaves Chorus From Nabucco “.

b. The Teenage Regiment…” Drink Puppy Drink “.

c. The Royal Bank Regiment…” The Debt March “.

d. The 5th Mounted Motorists…any slow march you care for…

e. The Self-Funded Re-Tireurs…” Money, Money , Money “.

f. The Microsoft Technical Support Regiment of India… ” The Rogue’s March “.

g. 101st Airborne Virus Regiment…” Some Like It Hot…And Cold…And Hot…”

h. The Dental Corps…” A Bridge Too Far “.

i. Bill Clinton’s Rangers…” Yankee Doodle “.

f. The Canning Vale Lancers…”Goodness Gracious Me “.

g. Noranda Regiment…” We Are Marching From Pretoria “.

Good marching music need not be martial – good parades need not be military. Australia had a fine tradition in the 50’s and 60’s of all-girl marching societies who took part in civic celebrations and national days. Their outfits were sometimes military, and sometimes millinery. There were 30,000 of them at the peak of the craze.

30,000. That’s 30 regiments. The Australian army couldn’t have found socks for that many men in uniform, let alone rifles, food, or an enemy to shoot at. 30,000 marching girls…it sounds like Heaven from this point in time.

Just dealing with the statistics of the thing is mind-boggling. 30,000 marching girls is 30,000 uniforms and they would all have been hand-sewed and decorated as much as possible. Given 30 buttons per uniform makes it 900,000 buttons sewed on. Plus the three that rolled under the table.

I am glad that the era has passed – I do not think that I could cope right now with the sight of 60,000 thighs flashing up and down in unison. It would be a short path to the grave. Smiling all the while, but. And I doubt that the coffin lid would fit well…




The REAL Canadian Measurement System

Sometimes people in the United States look at Canada and laugh. And sometimes it is the other way around. This is commendable, as we all need more laughter in our lives, but in some cases it can be a little misplaced. Like the business of laughing at Canada for adopting metric measurement.

The Wikipedia entry on metrication in Canada is pretty comprehensive about it – and points out that it went very well, but many daily measurements are still in the older Imperial numbers – the railways, photograph sizes, football fields, etc. In fact, if you wanted to, you could cheerfully ignore the metric numbers and use the old ones in your head all the time.

But the Wiki does not tell you about the REAL Canadian measuring system and the units that it uses – a system that has been developed over time using local ingredients for local people. Canadians are not selfish, however, and are more than willing to share them with the world, eh?

The basic unit of the CMS ( Canadian Measuring System ) is the Canada Goose. One of these things:

The Canada Goose was chosen for two reasons – they are reasonably common, and they have the word Canada in the name – the basic insecurity of Canadians is thus assuaged.

The Goose, as it is known in normal speech, is used to measure any number of things:

a. Affection. The number of gooses ( not geese ) that you are prepared to administer and/or endure is a measure of your emotional attachment to another person. Those who neither goose nor are goosed have a more distant approach to life. This distance may be abridged during the Christmas and New Year festive season by the use of alcohol. Not as a rub, eh?

b. Intelligence. ” As silly as a goose. ” is instantly understood by all Canadians and is a base-line measurement of many forms of intellectual activity. ” As silly as Justin Trudeau. ” has not yet entered the national vocabulary to the same extent, but it will only be a matter of time before the voting population realise the connection, eh?

c. Honesty. ” As full of shit as a Christmas goose. ” is also well-understood. It is frequently applied to political figures from all parties  – often when they get on the television and discus economic figures. I know a local female journalist to whom this applies…

d. Acceleration. ” Goose it.” is a technical term for applying more fuel to an engine.

People have often pointed out the fact that there are probably more ducks than geese on the flightways and ponds of Canada in the appropriate seasons and have questioned why they do not figure as a unit of measurement. I’ve no idea, other than to imagine that the Walt Disney cartoon character of Donald Duck reminds them of Donald Trump, and that is politically incorrect. Or the Warner Brothers cartoon character Daffy Duck is black, and they find that they are uncomfortable with that.

But that would be drawing a long bow and sound somewhat loony…and who ever heard of naming something a loonie, eh?




The Little World – Dux

Dux is a strange word here in Australia. People who are the highest – scoring students at their schools are known as the Dux of the class. Older women are also called Ducks – it is a term of easy affection.

But the Dux I remember was an entirely different thing – it was the Christmas of 1959 when I encountered the Dux construction set. I had no idea at the time how unusual it was in the world of toys.

You’ll all know Meccano from the UK and some of you will know the A.C. Gilbert Erector sets from the USA. Dux was from Germany, and I am now convinced that it was East Germany rather than the Bundesrepublik. A very unusual thing for 1959 as it was the height of the Cold War.

Still, the DDR needed foreign currency, and the department store in Canada that stocked the Dux set might have gotten them in for the Christmas trade at a very cheap price. The set was my prized present for the year, and it came in quite a large red cardboard organiser box. There were steel girders, connector plates, plastic sheets, L brackets, T brackets, wheels, axles, rubber tyres, and a wonderful fully articulated clamshell bucket. It had the look of Meccano to some extent but the girders were stiffened with a steel lip at one edge that meant they could support themselves better. The fastenings were good-quality plated nuts and bolts but there were some very odd little grommets that enabled steel shafts to turn in the girders.

There was an instruction book but even I could tell at that stage that the writer of it was not an English-speaker. I have since learned to recognise the Teutonic technical style as the Metz electronic flash company used it in all their customer communications. It was at once the most painful and frustration document you could read – the photos and diagrams hinted at wonders that the text could not support.

Well, when you’re 11 you don’t need an engineering degree to invent things, and I spent years using that Dux set to do just that. Cars, trucks, cranes, etc…though I never did succeed in getting that clamshell bucket to work properly – it was a fine piece but you needed to rig up pullys and blocks as well as the steel work to make an overhead loader of it.  It was always going to be the next project.

Well, I am ready for it now, but all trace of the Dux construction sets seems to have vanished – perhaps they evaporated with the DDR. I’ve tried eBay with no success and even the basic Google search for illustrations produces very little – certainly not the thing I remember. It might be too much to hope that an entire set has survived, but I would settle for the clamshell bucket.

There is an overhead coal loader in me that is itching to get out.

Civility And How To Avoid It- Part 1

With the rise of civil behaviour and good manners in the last few years – prompted in large part by the election of Mr. Donald Trump to the American Presidency – there has been an increasing feeling of unease in the backstabbing community. The Guild hopes to be able to reassure members and the general public and to set us all back on the proper pathway. Because everything off the pathway is strewn with mines.

Let’s start by making sure that people know what civility actually is – it is no good starting at phantoms and then letting real dangers slip in the door.

Civility is adult behaviour of considerate men and women who take care to treat others with respect and who do not cause unnecessary suffering. It is related to politeness and kindness, as wens are related to furuncles and boils, and it is equally welcome. Civility is the cement of societies…a thought that may comfort some until they realise that cement is also used to weight bodies that will be dumped in the harbour.

Civility may also be defined as a social pavise that allows one to get within easy crossbow-shot of the unsuspecting. As such, it is not that bad. You can paint soothing mental pictures on the front of it to make people think that a work of art is creeping up on them. Then, when they have been lulled into an aesthetic sense of safety you pop up and let one loose at them. If you do it in a completely calm and unemotional voice they may not even believe it was you. Quietly crouch under the protection as you wind your windlass and prepare for a second shot.

It’s not likely that you’ll get a third one off undetected, so be prepared to creep away. In some cases it is wise to creep as fast as your feet will carry you.

It has often been said that it costs nothing to be civil. True, and in many cases the behaviour is worth every penny you pay… In the case of Backstabbers Guild members we would advise a more commercial approach – be as polite as you need to be for as long as you need to be. Once your object has been achieved you can stop the pretence and go back to normal.  If you do it unobtrusively the memory of your kindness will continue far after you have resumed being cruel.

Remember that Mary Poppins – a Backstabber if ever there was one – said that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. She was, of course, speaking before the current research into diabetes, obesity, and social virtue damned the sugar industry. And she was likely on the payroll of CSR. But she was right – you can sweeten vitriol, paraquat, and curare quite effectively if there are no hypodermic darts available. We advise that you never lick the spoon.

Part 2 will detail civility in different civilisations, though we have no data for Tasmania or Newfoundland as they are not civilisations