Sure Sell Products For A New Age

We are bombarded these days with every sort of advertisement for goods on this internet connection. While I do not have anything to sell, I can still have the fun of exasperating you. Thus the new range of products from BGA Foods:

a. The Incontinental Roll.

The spicy lunch wrap with pepperoni, csaba, jalapenos, and castor oil. This one-handed treat will get the most sluggish constitution up and dancing for days. Not recommended for those who are slow on their legs or far from a convenience.

b. Rice A Roo.

Now you can combine Asian with Australian in a new way. It’s flat, it’s chewy, it’s packed with substances. Swallow quickly. Bewdy. Bonza. Mate.

c. The Detra Mint.

Not all confectionary has to be good for you. Go back to the good old days when Victorians warned their children not to eat sweets for a very good reason. The Detra Mint may seem dangerous to some but think of the good that you’ll be doing for the environment. If everyone buys just one roll of Detra Mints a week we’ll be able to clean up Wittenoom, Marralinga, and the drainage systems of most RAAF air bases. That’s got to be patriotic.

d. O’Shaughnessy’s Rubber Chicken

Now we’ve all attended civic affairs that involved a luncheon and 90% of the time the meal served has included some chicken dish with a sauce. And none of it is ever eaten.

O’Shaunessy’s Rubber Chicken is the civic caterer’s opportunity to help the environment and cut costs dramatically. It is a tasteless, odourless substitute substance that replicates the feel and flavour of catering chicken. But it is entirely washable and re-useable after the plates are returned to the kitchen. A quick rinse, a boil-up for 5 minutes, and O’SRC is ready for duty under whatever sauce is next. Even pieces that have been inadvertently chewed – by people with bad eyesight, for instance – self-heal in the boiler and are just as appetizing as before.

No commercial chef in civic service should be without a bale of this useful material.

e. Debt By Chocolate

The advent of the ultra-expensive European chocolatier boutique designer snobhaven sweet shop has opened the way for the BGA venture. No longer do you need to have actual money to buy your $ 56 Praline Surprise ( so named when you get out in the street and find that your fillings hurt…) nor do you need to endure the sneers of Trained Backpackers when you cannot pronounce the name of the jelly babies. We give credit.

Now a true-blue Australian shop can deliver diabetes in little bags. We have taken over Darrel Lea, Haigh’s, Hoadley’s and Cadbury and combined the whole of their production lines into one chocolate-type bar. It is durable, portable, and can be used as a substtute for a star picket if you live in one of “ those “ suburbs. Chew it at your peril.

 

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Avoiding The Press

It used to be a good idea to avoid the press – because in the dear old days of King George, The Press was a gang of sailors under a petty officer who would sweep through a town or village and legally kidnap the poor or unprovided into slavery aboard a British warship. They were not above scouring foreign lands and other nation’s merchant shipping for this purpose – thus bringing upon themselves more wars than were strictly necessary.

Then the Fourth Estate – the venal journalists – took over as the press. They left you on shore but savaged your reputation so much that you might just as well have been at sea. And not just the Brits this time – read Dickens’ encounters with US journalists in the 1860’s. And look at what they get up to now.

Most of us will never Meet The Press, as it were. We live lives of such meek tenor that nothing can be squeezed from us. We cannot be made to yield a sound bite, let alone a 5-minute segment. In this we are very lucky – we share that good fortune with the very rich and the very powerful. They can avoid the press but it costs them a great deal of money and effort.

But what do we do if someone pops up in front of us wearing a microphone and a Hammerhead grin an asks us what we think of what they want to pretend we just saw? How can we blend into the bark of the trees if we are standing in a shopping mall? What is ninja secret?

a. Ask the interviewer if they realise that they are racist or sexist in their questioning. These two trigger words will make them sweat at the hair roots and they will beetle off directly.

b. Blame Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton. Even if you have just been asked about a crash at a roundabout in Redcliffe, calling in the old favourites like that will give the interviewer a chance to go off their face. And there is an even chance that either Donald or Hilary will admit guilt…

c. Ask for compensation. Have a figure ready to hand – $ 15,000 is always a good starting point. Refuse to tell what really happened until they cough up.

d. Point over to the edge of the crowd and shout “ Oh, look! It’s the Duchess and a koala! “ No reporter worth their salt will stick to you.

Sex Talk For Social Media

It may appear that the current climate of political and social commentary is adverse to the topic of sex. Every day we see mimes, memes, and moans about it, and we can be sure that anything we write is being minutely monitored to see if it can be used to destroy us in a future political campaign. This paragraph, for instance, is being digested by a robot in a server somewhere and the component words stacked up for re-transmission. If I insert the name of a body part a red light comes on at the front of the server cabinet to alert the operator that there may be something juicy. Here, I’ll show you:

Scapula.

There. See? Red light. If I typed male scapula or female scapula it would ring an alarm horn. Whoops, I wrote horn. That’ll be a paddlin’…

This is funny now, but wait until I’m 93 and campaigning for the Senate and it all comes out. The only saving thing will be that I can claim it was fake news, but that I forgot who really wrote it.

But it is not too late to reform. If I pledge to behave and to agree with whoever wants to scold me, I will be allowed to be guilty. This can open a career in the apology business – a growing industry – and I can start to take on contract work for sports stars and celebrities. I have drafted an all-purpose admission of guilt and shame that can be used as an introduction to civic ceremonies, weddings, and trophy nights, and as it can be read from small hand-held cards, it should prove most popular.

I am even thinking of having the apology cards embroidered for use in Oklahoma.

They’ll be the Sorry with the fringe on top…

Open The Window Curtains

Starting on a second week of home confinement under sentence from the doctor and chemist…I have been inspired to a brilliant idea.

Up until now I have been cooped in a chair that has an electric light behind it for reading. This is fine with a paper book and a cup of cocoa on a winter’s night but makes a sad yellow mess of trying to see a reflective iPad screen in the daylight.

Then I looked at the location more closely – right beside a main picture window. A simple tug of the blinds swivels them around and in comes filtered daylight. The screen is not yellowed nor overborne. And there will be a definite demarkation throughout the day…not just one dim twilight.

As well, I can now sticky beak the neighbours, though I am sorry to say that they are all respectable. None of them sunbake nude on the verge and most keep the bathroom curtains drawn.

On a different level, is this not a metaphor for life? Open the curtains to the sunlight and use natural light to satisfy your curiosity. Then make notes for later blackmail. Alfred Hitchcock had something going for him…

Things I Never Write About

While I have treated of many topics here on ” Here All Week ” over the past six years, there are some that I do not deal with. Others may approach them, but I do not feel myself qualified to comment. Certainly I do not think I could make things better.

a. Suicide.

I have known a number of suicides in the last few decades. All of them had a history of distress, but few of their acquaintances knew to what depth it went. Two instances were reported truthfully, and one was clothed in deception.  One I have decided to believe the report, though I strongly suspect it. In the end it is all the same.

b. Adultery.

Is that still a thing? It would be for me, but I may be living in a parallel universe. I should not know how to deal with it, in any case.

c. Family abuse.

I recoil from it when I hear, and wish never to hear more…but for the sake of the victims, there are occasions when it should be boldly and openly discussed. I can offer cake and sympathy but sometimes I have no idea what to say. Have some more cake…

d. Extremist politics and religion.

I can stand a certain amount of Trump-bashing or Morrison-bashing before I react, and the reaction is mild anyway. I also grit and grim ( as opposed to grip and grin ) when I see racism, sinophobia, or xenophobia tricked up in pseudo patriotism and generally just let it through to the keeper…in the knowledge that no-one wants to keep it anyway. I am inclined to ignore ignorance.

I do not react well in other areas – when someone decides to be anti-Semitic or anti-American thinking it to be kewl. But I have been able to rein in my replies reasonably well – the 30-day snooze button on Facebook has been a godsend. But, like a snooze button on a clock radio, you can only press it so many times before you decide to just unplug the damn thing and throw it away.

Note: I am more aware these days of the psychological consequences of associating with idiots and ratbags, and seek to reduce this to a minimum. If Facebook friends are still able to read this as a shared message, they may take it as a favourable endorsement of their characters. Otherwise…

 

 

 

Bear Baiting For The Faint Of Heart

The trick is to find something to bait other than a bear.

In any intimate social circle of friends there will be people who can be attacked with impunity. We all know a mass murderer or sex offender or someone who wears socks with sandals. They are the legitimate targets of our hate, righteousness, and scorn when we are feeling out of sorts.

We can pillory them to our heart’s content on the internet with no danger of reprisal. But then so can everyone else, and that means that we just blend in with the braying crowd – no-one will know how virtuous and cool we are. Easy targets get no gongs, as they say in the Air Force. They may get more than their fair share of 1000 pounders, but that is no consolation when we want personal publicity. We need worthy enemies that can be vanquished easily while the light is good and the cameras are rolling.

Trouble is,  worthy enemies – again to use the Air Force analogy – are armed with flak and fighters, and are not easy targets. If you get a whipping while you are trying to do that to someone else you are not going to benefit. So what we need are targets that appear tough but are made of rubber or straw.

In the social scene these can be found amongst the rich and entitled or poor and defenseless – provided they are far enough above or below our own social standing as to render us invisible. If we can be mean from behind a double-blind of false identity it is even better. This may be the real benefit of identity theft.

Of course things can change in time. The Nigerian scammer of last decade may well become the new government of this one. Likewise the politician we all vie to hate may be proven right. We must make some provision to retract our statements, or at least to retract our signature on the libels. For this purpose we advocate the good old disappearing ink beloved of spy novels.

The safest way of all – at least on WordPress or Blogger – is to include free-form poetry or advice on how to make money from home in each post. What is never read cannot be sheeted home to you in court…

 

 

SIn For The Sinless – On Being An Armour-Piercing Saint

If you are pretty well free of sin and error – like Mother Theresa, the Dalai Lama, or the Pope – you may feel that going to confession is a bit of a waste of time. Oh you might scrape up something like inattentiveness or the vague desire to take a third tea-cake, but you’ll be scrapping to interest the confessor on the other side of the grill. If you irk them they’ll just tell you to go and get blessed…

None of us are that good, but still, many of us have never set fire to an orphanage or touched a supporter of the Democratic Party in an inappropriate manner…and thus we struggle to make a meaningful confession or profession. We hesitate to attend. The BGA business model will change that.

We welcome news of sin and malignancy, but in the BGA booth you need not tell your own. You are free…and indeed encouraged…to tell that of others. The wider your vision of the faults of humanity can range and the more accurate and detailed your information can be, the quicker you can get out of the booth and the higher your standing with the Guild will be. To put it frankly, if you can bring us the goods, you need not pay the gold coin. In some cases it can be quite the opposite…

We all know people who do the right thing by others. Let us forget them for the present. Now concentrate on your friends and relations who really DO have something to hide – tell us all about them. We’ll even allow you a little leeway in the matter of strict truth if the story is juicy enough.

If there is one thing we have learned from the internet and social media, it is the elasticity of truth…

Of course we are prepared to grant you absolution, insofar as it is in our power to do so. Which is pretty well not at all. But the great thing is that you will have been enabled to traduce, calumniate, denigrate, and defame those of whom you disapprove from the safety of an anonymous structure in a public place. And with no consequences – save the occasional beating with a suggested post.

As we said – if there is one thing we have learned from the internet and social media, it is that we have learned two things…