Do Not Click On This Link

If you do, you will be unhappy. You will lose time, money, or patience with humanity. Or all three. It is known as the Imperfecta…and unlike multiple bets on horse races, it is extremely easy to win.

If you have read this far it shows you have a desire for either punishment or humour. I like to craft my jokes so that you cannot have one without the other. In this I am aided immeasurably by the social media outlets. They allow me to step in a tilt someone’s mental bowl of soup off the table into their lap.

I am not alone in this. Just today I clicked on an innocent picture of soldiers preparing for an army exercise in one of our suburbs. I imagine it will be the infantry – and I would not be surprised if they pop off a few blank rounds while skulking through the paddocks. The horses agisted around the area may object, but the local dogs will have a good time. If it turns out to be the artillery exercising I’m going to get a bucket of popcorn, a big orange drink, and enjoy the show…

However – the Facebook post that warned local residents ( probably with a repeat in the local press and over the television ) drew forth a number of trolls from other parts of the country who were able to conflate the army exercise with the current state of Covid 19 lockdown in Victoria, vaccines, sheep, and new world order conspiracies.

I would normally avert my eyes but in the case of a few of them the grammar, spelling, and sentiments were such as to suggest professional comedy writers holed-up on a hotel room with the mini-bar open. I honestly cannot tell whether the posters are real or really good at appearing to be stupid beyond belief.

I am hoping that is is art, which I applaud. If it is science, I am gloomy, and if it is life imitating either of the other two named, I am saddened.

 

 

” I’m Just A Sex Object To You…”

No, Dear, you’re not. Not any more. Not for a long time. Not since you found Facebook.

I fully admit that I did think of you as a sex object – and treasured the sight, sound, and smell of you upon that basis. I longed to add feel to the list… but that was before I was presented with your posts on the electronic screen – in between the phishing memes and the advertisements for perfumed stump pullers. Once I could contemplate your thoughts and explore the workings of your mind, I changed my regard for you.

Now I do not look upon you you as a sex object. I regard you as a floating object.

You float between whichever political pressure group has most traction at the time. Between who has grabbed the national television coverage for the last five minutes and who will grab it for the next. Your thoughts are precious – as much for their virtue as for their rarity. And I long for the day when you will feel successful and triumphant – and will feel no more need to complain.

Like nirvana, armageddon, or the end of the works on the Mitchell Freeway, I never really expect to see this state of affairs blossom. But I need something to pray for.

 

Liquid Control Interface Operation

Before you switch over to the cat’s channel, this isn’t another one of those technical manuals written by a lawyer. Nor is it bid to sell you dietary supplements. I am not even asking you to march through the streets looting and burning.

It’s just a quick note on how to control your weblog essays through liquid interfacing.

a. Column is not starting. Blog is cold. Flywheel is motionless.

Brew a pot of coffee and drink a half a cup. Dose it however you wish – sugar, milk, soy, whatever – or not. After you have downed half a cup pour more into the cup and head for the computer. Think of something that someone said last week -and it can be anything from a wonderful poem to a snarled insult. There is your topic and your flywheel is turning on caffeine and away you go.

b. Column is boring. You re-read it and even you are bored. This isn’t leftover stuff…this is re-hashed rehash. Ketchup couldn’t rescue it.

Go to the drinks cabinet and pour a half a tot. Rum, whiskey, gin, whatever. Half a tot – 30 ml. Say God Bless The Queen and down it.

By the time you get back to the computer the lid of reality will have loosened. Hopefully, just enough to let the boring escape and leave the good parts of your essay still bubbling there…because you DO have something to build from already. You were just looking at it with tired eyes.

When you have tightened it up, cleaned and polished the grammar, and inserted a slyly dirty joke, you may have the other half of the tot. With soda water.

More tots will carry you into dangerous ground. Take my advice – a friend doesn’t let a friend write drunk. They certainly don’t let them post essays drunk.

c. Column is unfinished. And it is 11:30 at night for an 8:00AM  posting. You feel like a dishrag.

Go to the kitchen. Make a cup of cocoa with two spoons of cocoa, two spoons of sugar, and hot milk. This takes it from being mere hot chocolate to being kye.

Kye is what watchkeepers on HM ships drink to keep them awake on the bridge. It will not let them sleep, nor will it you. You will be able to finish your column and do your taxes before the sun rises. Or hunt U-boats, if the taxes are already done.

Ping… Ping… Ping…Ping…Ping-a…

Aha.

A Picture Isn’t Worth 1000 Words

Because frequently the picture is taken out of context and used to propagandise for some particular purpose. Don’t be shocked – there are people in the world who wish to force you to beliefs that you might otherwise find abhorrent – and they are not above making false shows to do it.

Of course they might also be trying to bring enlightenment and truth to you… but have been prevented by a stampede of unicorns… So they grab a picture from the internet, attach a jeering commentary, and ” share ” it to your social media page. You need not thank them for it, unless you are in the habit of being polite to tape worms.

I must admit, shamefacedly, that I have done this as well. I have poked fun at dictatorial regimes by seizing upon their propaganda posters and re-titling them. I dare not show my face in a number of Asian capitols for fear of the thought police. Come to think of it, I need to stop away from any number of friend’s houses for the same reason.

Can you write 1000 words? Can you write them to support a political or religious belief? You probably can if you went through the secondary or tertiary education system. There you were given assignments to think about and set essays to write in support of your opinions. You would not have been rewarded for just clipping a picture and writing a smarmy caption. If you could exercise discipline and follow the school model then, you can do it now.

By all means promote your favourite cause or rail at your favourite dictator – but do it with your own words and not with those of others. And especially do not try to do it with video innuendo. That’s cheap without being cheerful.

Pick Your Viking Birth Month Potato…

And find out who you are compatible with. The choices we provide are:

a. Ricky Scaggs

b. Sean Connery

c. Kim Jong Un

d. Jane Fonda

Does it seem that Facebook Asylum has been taken over by the inmates? Are you sure of the universe when questions of this nature are asked of you? Fear not – it is a simple process of dragging targeting information out of you, one piece at a time. It may seem a long-winded process, but as it is essentially a cost-free activity, every speck of personal gold that can be panned out is a gain.

They now know your month of birth. Soon an enquiry will pose questions that find the year that you were born. And eventually another contest will elicit the day of the month. And there we have one of the basic ID questions for you…un-safe in the hands of whoever wants to sell it on or use it to impersonate you.

They’ll need a lot more than that, but they can get it with surveys, quizzes, contests, and such. And if you are bored enough and fool enough to supply it you will have no-one to blame but yourself when someone signs you up for a new credit card and extracts $ 98.00 from that card. You’ll have the debt collector and the bad credit name and they’ll have $ 98.00.

Make like John Banner/ Sergeant Schultz.

Know nothing.

 

Cheapshot And Co.

Meme purveyors to the internet. No subject  sacred – no jibe too mean.  Try us for all the things you’re too slow to think up in person.

Here at Cheapshot & Co, we monitor the social media traffic hour by hour. Whenever an opportunity to mock a country’s political leader or head of state presents itself you can dial our exclusive private service and we will sell you your opinion wrapped in sarcasm or irony. We are totally non-political and non-partisan – we’ll agree to jazz up and jiz up any mean thoughts you may have.

If you are incapable of thought, subscribe to our premium service and let us make you kewl, kutting-edge, and klever. The KKK package would suit you admirably.

Note: With every discount troll package we include a free mockery of Donald Trump. If you’re European and not currently on a ventilator you qualify for the Sawdust Sausage Discount.

Don’t delay. Note: After November we may be offering a Laugh At Biden doorbuster sale. Check back then.

Slogan!

Slogan, Slogan, Slogan!

And if you try to dispute it in any way you’re a Pejorative!

We stand in solidarity with the Political Group On The Internet and will be taking Virtuous Action! If we can get enough people in front of the camera we’ll use two exclamation points. And go for a latte afterwards.

Don’t try to stop us, by which we mean do try to stop us as soon as the sound man has his recorder working. If the media is delayed, hold off on the yelling until they arrive. No sense wasting outrage if it’s not going to be televised.

And don’t try to take off your name badge, even if you don’t wear one. We know who you are. We know where you live. We know your PIN number. Well, actually we don’t know that but we would like to find it out. Our local ATM isn’t lit very well and we can always wear masks when we make a withdrawal. What is your number…?

But don’t you dare wear a mask, you Pejorative!

 

I See Bad People

Can you see them too? Whew…I was getting worried there for a while. So they really are real.

What I can’t figure out is what I’ve done to deserve them. I’m not a bad person. I’m a good person. I don’t set fire to orphanages…not even when  they deserve it. I don’t chew with my mouth open or use bad language. Why me?

Oh, you can go on as much as you like about channelling spirits or invoking daemons and such. But I never draw things on the floor or light candles, so what’s the attraction? The only thing I do is write little essays and paint model airplanes and look at Facebook.

What? What do you mean ” There you are…”? Where am I? What have I done? What does building model airplanes have to do with bad people?

Oh. Not the model airplanes. Facebook, eh? That’s the portal? That’s the pentagram that attracts stray communists, racialists, and assorted third-hand radicals to my house? Oh Dear. I’ve done this to myself? Oh Dear…

But there is a way out of the morass? I can remove them with one click of a button? The trolls can be stuffed back under their bridge? Oh, thank goodness.

Show me the button.

Troll Is Such An Ugly Word

And so subjective.

If I agree with you, laud you, and foam over your pants in regard to some opinion you’ve posted on Facebook…I am a Facebook friend.

If I laugh at you and post an opinion that makes you look a fool, I’m a troll. The judgement is entirely from your side, and I suggest that it is flawed. Shall we consider you a troll for putting up the original controversy? Were you trolling for acclaim, or a fight, or some baser reason?

Unpleasant remarks are bad manners whenever they are aired. But they can be primary unpleasantries as well as secondary ones, and doubly damnable for that. If you pick a fight and are punched in the nose…or reputation…because of it, the blame as well as the fist falls on you.

If you would like to be considered virtuous and kewl and on-trend…do something other than post your invitation for admiration. And if you get something other than what you trolled for, remember it the next time you share an opinion.

The Ill Manners Award

We often see award ceremonies on the television. They can be for motion pictures, television productions, or other public entertainments. It’s no surprise to see this, as the mechanism of entertainment is best placed to laud itself.

In the publishing, press, and literary world this sort of thing is also…well…rife. Not content with just the Pulitzer prize contest, many organisations make subsidiary contests with awards of honour to whomever their committee decides upon. I suspect some of these, but then I was always a cynic about the $64,000 Question, too.

Step further into the market place and you will encounter literally hundreds of trade-related awards that are trumpeted and bestowed every month. Every division of every business that wants to have an excuse for publicity can invent a contest and an award. Lucky you if you can afford to win or buy a trophy.

I propose an award from the Backstabbers Guild of Australia that will focus upon ill manners. I’ll survey the year’s crop of Facebook posts, news headlines, and scurrilous rumours and award first, second, and third place to those people who have been outstandingly egregiously foul. I have one candidate already.

Do you wish to nominate someone? How ill-mannered of you. Award date is the first of July.