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I often wonder whether the Ford Motor Company realised just what good fortune they had when they named some of their motor cars ” Victoria “. It seems to be a name that was added when the Model A was born in 1927, thought there may have been a style of coach body made earlier in the horse-drawn days that was similar. Given the immense prestige of the British queen, Victoria, in the 19th and early 20th century there must be literally thousands of product and places that bear the name.

Such as the state of Victoria…the one sandwiched between New South Wales and South Australia. Perpetual rival of NSW…so much so that the federal capital had to be placed in a special administrative territory between the two states…more or less out in the boonies. ( A good place for it, as it keeps the pollies away from the rest of us for much of the time. )

But away from this, the name ” Victoria” applied to sedans made by Ford – such as these seen at the recent VHRS in Melbourne – must have sold cars to Victorian buyers by appealing to that deep-seated home instinct.

Even if they do not admit it, the pull of a locale name always boosts the popularity of a song or product. And in this case the consonance between place, royal association, and the word for winning would have been worth millions to the car company.

Other makers have tried it too – Austin tried to foist a terrible car on us by calling it a ” Tasman “. Holden stacked on Monaro, and there have been others. No-one has had the nerve to try ” Adelaide ” or ” Mount Isa ” but there were probably moments in the board rooms when the danger was clear. I am hoping for the Renault ” Manangatang ” some day, but the company has stopped returning my phone calls.

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SOBCoin…You Knew It Was coming

Now that the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia has launched the BGAcoin it was only a matter of time before it released the next in the series – the Bitscoin. This should be carefully distinguished from Bitcoin by the fact that there is an ” s ” in the middle and by the fact that we only accept cash in a brown paper bag to pay for it. Or chickens. Or S&H coupons.

Let’s face it…we’ll take anything.

And that’s the problem. The cryptocurrency market needs respectability and dignity, and the BGA keeps very little stock of that. So we are going to introduce the ultimate respectable and dignified business scheme that you just read about on our cellphone screen – the Bitscoin.

To help us market this easy passport to financial success ( ours ), we have engaged Sunova Marketing Associates to lay the proposition before the public. They’ve agreed to lend their name to the project – we are proud to announce the Sunova Bitscoin.

There will be several levels of marketing available for this product – all the way from the Simple Sunova Bits to the Complex Sunova Bits. Those of you who have ever taken apart a Holley 4-barrel carburetor will know exactly what we mean. There will be Mean Sunova Bits and Lying Sunova Bits available, too, but only if you are over 18. We anticipate a good market in Canada where this sort of thing has been a long-established tradition, eh?

Remember that you will never forgive yourself if you do not buy Sunova Bitscoins now. Tomorrow will be too late, and it may be difficult to contact our representatives. If we play our cards right…

BGAcoin – The Crypto Currency That’s Gentle On The Stomach

Are you ready to become rich? Are you ready to become famous? Are you ready to become legendary?

Are you ready to lose your shirt?

Well, now is your time. The Backstabbers Guild of Australia has just prepared its first $ 500,000,000 of BGAcoin and it is ready to be mined. And the good news is you do not need to understand economics, bitcoins, cryptocurrencies, or bunko games to join right in. The BGA is ready on the line to take your money right now…no questions asked.

You may be a little wary of the whole cryptocurrency thing…though if you are like most middle-class people you would be loath to admit it. After all, who wants to be Left Out – or worse – left out of the barbecue conversation when crypto currency conversation starts up. Fear not – the only thing you will be left out on with BGAcoin is a limb…to dry.

You may have heard a great deal about how secure cryptocurrency is because it used a block chain. The people who invented this will tell you how good it is. No problemos. They will be able to explain how secure it is until you lose interest in the question and go into a daze. The BGAcoin designers are ready on the other side of the daze to assist you to spend.

Now about when you will be getting that million. As Joh Bjelke-Petersen used to say ” Don’t you worry about that, Girlie…” and wasn’t he always right in the end? The BGA will see you right. She’ll be apples. No worries, mate. Bewdy. Bonza. Coo-ee.

And finally, remember that you will be taking your place in history with all the investors who speculated in tulip bulbs in Holland, in ventures with the South Sea Company, or in basketball cards. It’ll be a cheap enough way to ensure that you are remembered far into the future, even after you are forgotten. People may point at you and laugh, but at least they will notice you for a short time.

And isn’t that what money is all about?

 

The Mean Streets

What a good phrase that is: ” Mean Streets “. It suggests crime, edginess, dirt, poverty, vice, and distress – all the stuff you go on holiday to the Third World for. In my case I went to Melbourne.

You can’t get much meaner than free public transport, and if you are prepared to stay within the CBD of the city, you can ride their trams for free. Choose your time and route and you can be rewarded by overcrowding and public odours. Stay on the tram long enough and you can provide that odour yourself.

If you venture out a little bit on the tram you can select corridors of grot like Fitzroy to do your sightseeing. If your taste runs to hipster cafés and drinking holes plus crap shops and /or public housing, this is your paradise. The denizens are startling but harmless. The food is actually edible, and there can even be surprisingly good stationers and book stores in the main streets.

But there are any number of corners and places that suggest that things are dirtier and more useless than they really need to be. In a city that is always looking for better housing and shopping, it is surprising that this sort of remnanterie can still exist. Served as it is by transport, sitting where it sits, and taking into account the decrepitude of the building structures, it is surprising that Whalen hasn’t been through it and some new shops erected. Perhaps it is beset with historic preservation orders  or perhaps no-one is game to open the drains.

But there are charms. The kitty seen in the picture was sleeping beside its bed in Gertrude Street in a very hot window on a very hot day…but in the manner of all cats may not have wanted to admit to the discomfort. I admire the stamina and the bed.

 

Your Email Of The 15th Inst. Has Been Noted

And unlike previous forms of communication, will not be considered to be private, inviolate, confidential, or secret. It will, indeed, be copied innumerable times, and made available to anyone who bears you a grudge. Prospective grudge-bearers who wish to invest in material for future use will also be accommodated at a special early bird rate.

Please note that the privacy disclaimers and instructions routinely included on the bottom of all official forms from this office are for theatrical and humorous purpose, and should in no way be construed as legally binding unless you have more powerful lawyers than we do. In this context, ” Three Finger ” Louie Custozza and the Boys From Missoula are considered to be a legally practicing entity and can be cited in negotiations.

As it is impossible at this stage to determine what the year’s cause célèbre or political opportunity will be, we would like you to send a great many more communications on the computer. It would be appreciated by our Chief of Blackmail if you would moderate your use of stimulating substances before typing, as some of the spelling can be very difficult to deal with if you go past certain limits. Please feel free to express yourself as violently and controversially as you wish as this makes for juicier scandal. Photographs are always welcome. No need to dress…

 

 

The Fountain Pen – Dear Sir…

Dear Sir,

Enclosed please find my cheque for $ 89.43 in payment of your invoice number 567 dated the 5th of January, 2018. Please return the receipt to the above address.

Yours faithfully,

And another piece of business is done. Provided the cheque has the correct date, payee, amount and numbers, and has been signed correctly…and provided that there is money in the account to cover it…the invoice should be paid for and the debt discharged. Well done.

The business of business is rarely taught in the historical style these days – and so much of the flow of money and words is done electronically that the young may pass into their legal majority ignorant of the correct forms of address and attention that business requires. While it is true to say that business comes down to demand and supply, and these can be done with barely civil forms of communication, there is social judgement inherent in even the simplest exchanges. In short, if you write like berk, you will be treated like a berk.

Let me de-berk you.

If you write to demand a payment, write clearly who you are, and where you are. Give the date when the demand is made and detail the reason for which it is made. ie the invoice number. If there are governmental numbers such as an ABN number or other taxation details, list them and tell the person that it is a tax invoice. This is law.

Being polite is also law, though only upon a social basis. If you are polite initially you will have no reason to apologise if further demands become stiffer. Also remember that an invoice, statement, or demand for payment passes through many hands and they will all judge you. You are not obliged to please or flatter, but you must not offend.

If you write to tender a payment, say what it is for in clear detail. Many offices have a great deal of business in hand and appreciate a quick route to the correct spot in their records. Help them to find it, and they’ll help you to get your receipt faster. You’ll also be marked down mentally as a reliable person with whom to do business – a valuable thing.

Note that it is also good manners to proffer a note of payment even if your transfer of money occurs via Direct Debit. Oh, they’ll see that you paid in the bank statements, but seeing it also as a letter is good communications.

And good communications make for a continuance of good business.

 

The Health Inspector

I think if I were inclined to go to work again I should like to be a council health inspector. But with a difference – I would do domestic premises rather than commercial ones.

In case you are horrified by the thought of some jack-in-office barging into your kitchen and lifting up the lids on your pots, consider that there is probably adequate provision for this now in council by-laws. There certainly is when it comes to the garbage, as the current trial of recycling wastes is proving. We are told that the inspectors will be going about taking mobile-phone pictures of our bins ” to improve understanding ” but it is probably to give them a chance to scold us for putting the wrong things in the various containers. Or it might just be to frighten us into putting less in anyway – with no answer as to what to do with the extra garbage.

In my case I should like to extend the surveillance to linen closets, desk drawers, and round the back of sofas – the places where small change and unused postage stamps are likely to accumulate. After all, a penny saved is a penny earned, and a penny stolen is even better. And I should be incorruptible, at least until the stakes were high enough.

Health is one of those topics that we all agree is essential…without being able to actually put our fingers on what is healthy. Robust and shining in Ulan Bator looks like terminal disease in Coolangatta. Vermin in Violet Town are considered livestock in Venezuela. You should see the thundering herds of beefrats at round-up time. The gauchos mounted on Jack Russells can be a bit startling for the novice hand, but you get used to them.

I am a little unclear as to what the procedure is if I discover a violation of the health regulations. Do I ask for the envelope of cash before or after throwing the rat on the counter? Are cats actually edible? Is mould considered a religious sacrament in some cultures? I’ll need to consult the department on these matters.

Meanwhile business owners, private citizens, and hospitality industry members may slip as many fat envelopes as they wish under the departmental door – our concern for health is paramount 24 hrs a day, or at least as long as the bottle shop is open.