” I’ve Never Been So Insulted In My Life! “

Well that shows you that things are advancing, eh? You have achieved something that you never reached before. Onward And Upward, eh?

Feeling insulted may not seem like an achievement to some of us older folks. We remember when it was an unpleasant thing that we tried to avoid. We probably still think of it along these lines, which shows how ancient we are.

A more modern generation has  been able to see more clearly – by peering harder into the pan. They regard feeling insulted as a badge of honour and a desirable state of being. If they can feel insulted…and protest their distresses…they feel they have gained status in their community.

As odd as this may seem to us oldies, it is real – and we should make an effort to assist the younger generation to gain self confidence and esteem by insulting them at every opportunity. Make note of the following words and phrases:

snot-nose kid

millennial snowflake

dole bludger

Mickey Mouse student

They are crude weapons on the generational battlefield but valuable nonetheless. You may never need to wield them, but if you do, lay about you with vigour. You need not feel bad about making the young feel useless and sad – they have said far worse about you for years. If you can engage them in a deep and meaningful conversation you can be more specific and delicate in your abuse. Every young person has deep-seated anxieties that can be plucked like the strings of a lyre.

Pluck ’em. Pluck ’em all. I say. Smarmy little pluckers…

I’ll Tell You A Secret

But I won’t realise I’m doing it.

Just follow my posts on Facebook that ” share ” other messages. I will post them thinking I am telling you a great deal about the state of the world. In reality I’ll be telling you a great deal about the state of me.

I may not actually be a great deal…or even in a great state. But I will have provided either enticement or warning by re-posting whatever has come lately to my attention. You can agree with me, in which case you enter into the Blessed Lands Of Joy…or you can disagree with me, in which case I get to damn and blast you. To be honest, I prefer the latter to the former as it gives me more opportunity to vent my spleen. You can build up a lot of pressure in a spleen these days and any opportunity to release it is welcome.

Of course, things may change. I may become happier. I might find love, or at least sex. I might find $ 20 in an old coat pocket. I might lose 10 kilos and fit into my jeans. In the event of any of these, I will start to share happier memes and I expect you to like them just as much as you did the nasty ones.

Otherwise there will be trouble. I many not know where you live, but I do know where you socially post.

” I’m Just A Sex Object To You…”

No, Dear, you’re not. Not any more. Not for a long time. Not since you found Facebook.

I fully admit that I did think of you as a sex object – and treasured the sight, sound, and smell of you upon that basis. I longed to add feel to the list… but that was before I was presented with your posts on the electronic screen – in between the phishing memes and the advertisements for perfumed stump pullers. Once I could contemplate your thoughts and explore the workings of your mind, I changed my regard for you.

Now I do not look upon you you as a sex object. I regard you as a floating object.

You float between whichever political pressure group has most traction at the time. Between who has grabbed the national television coverage for the last five minutes and who will grab it for the next. Your thoughts are precious – as much for their virtue as for their rarity. And I long for the day when you will feel successful and triumphant – and will feel no more need to complain.

Like nirvana, armageddon, or the end of the works on the Mitchell Freeway, I never really expect to see this state of affairs blossom. But I need something to pray for.


A Picture Isn’t Worth 1000 Words

Because frequently the picture is taken out of context and used to propagandise for some particular purpose. Don’t be shocked – there are people in the world who wish to force you to beliefs that you might otherwise find abhorrent – and they are not above making false shows to do it.

Of course they might also be trying to bring enlightenment and truth to you… but have been prevented by a stampede of unicorns… So they grab a picture from the internet, attach a jeering commentary, and ” share ” it to your social media page. You need not thank them for it, unless you are in the habit of being polite to tape worms.

I must admit, shamefacedly, that I have done this as well. I have poked fun at dictatorial regimes by seizing upon their propaganda posters and re-titling them. I dare not show my face in a number of Asian capitols for fear of the thought police. Come to think of it, I need to stop away from any number of friend’s houses for the same reason.

Can you write 1000 words? Can you write them to support a political or religious belief? You probably can if you went through the secondary or tertiary education system. There you were given assignments to think about and set essays to write in support of your opinions. You would not have been rewarded for just clipping a picture and writing a smarmy caption. If you could exercise discipline and follow the school model then, you can do it now.

By all means promote your favourite cause or rail at your favourite dictator – but do it with your own words and not with those of others. And especially do not try to do it with video innuendo. That’s cheap without being cheerful.

Adjusting For The Facebook Tangent – Or How To Operate the BGA Bomb Sight

Also known as high-altitude precision trollery.

Facebook people are tech-savvy. They are street-smart. They are hip, hep, and hopeful. They post the most appallingly foolish things with a view to being considered brilliant people. Or good people.  Or just people… Sometimes they succeed and sometimes they fail, but they are always there  – ready to supply the keen Guild member with a word, phrase, or vacuous thought. And these can be weaponised instantly.

When someone posts a Facebook cry for help, respond immediately. You can offer solace, understanding, and kindness…or you can jeer at them – just do not ignore it. If you do so , they will repeat the process. Either stroke them or strike them, but do it quickly.

If someone does a laughable typographical error – some inadvertent key strike that makes whatever they wrote look bad – you must instantly respond as if it was pure philosophy or gospel truth. It doesn’t matter whether you agree or disagree – just get in there and take it seriously. 99 times out of 100 they will start to defend their position before they realise that they have typed ” anal sex ” instead of ” social justice “. Your notice of it will cause it to be seen by far more people and then the shit fight will start. Withdraw out of splash range, get some popcorn and a big orange drink, and enjoy the show.

If someone is a genuinely nice person it is considered a little low to attack them on Facebook or other social sites. But we must also remember that Chubby Checker in ’62 asked how lowwww we can go, and that was before the internet. He’d be surprised now.

But what must we do if we wish to help – to support someone else’s opinion – to advance a cause we feel deeply about – to be good people and responsible citizens? How can we be actually, as well as virtually, virtuous?


Is this on?

Am I addressing a meeting of the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia?


Troll Is Such An Ugly Word

And so subjective.

If I agree with you, laud you, and foam over your pants in regard to some opinion you’ve posted on Facebook…I am a Facebook friend.

If I laugh at you and post an opinion that makes you look a fool, I’m a troll. The judgement is entirely from your side, and I suggest that it is flawed. Shall we consider you a troll for putting up the original controversy? Were you trolling for acclaim, or a fight, or some baser reason?

Unpleasant remarks are bad manners whenever they are aired. But they can be primary unpleasantries as well as secondary ones, and doubly damnable for that. If you pick a fight and are punched in the nose…or reputation…because of it, the blame as well as the fist falls on you.

If you would like to be considered virtuous and kewl and on-trend…do something other than post your invitation for admiration. And if you get something other than what you trolled for, remember it the next time you share an opinion.

The Mockingbird Dance

When someone wants to mock you, to offend you, and to try to pressure you into an angry response, they will very often make a number of foolish errors. How you respond to these can make all the difference.

a. Direct insult in a private place is best answered by either direct insult or genuine laughter. it’s not often that you are overcome with the second, but when it comes, let it flow. The look of horror on the face of the other person is priceless.

b. Direct insult in a public place is best answered with a dog whip across the face of the miscreant ( throw the contaminated thing away afterwards ) or again by genuine laughter. Or you can maintain a stony and complete silence and ignore the ranter – they will try harder and eventually exile themselves from any public approval.

c. Facebook insult is harmless, and can be treated with witticism and lighthearted banter. This may charm the insulter and convert them to a genuine friend. When you next meet you have a chance to dog-whip them.

e. Extraordinary efforts to mock or offend – performances that go beyond the mere side-comment – should be treated as theatre. Applaud them between movements. Encourage others to join you. Sing along with the chorus. Ask for a CD. Shout ” Encore “.

You do not need to make your detractor look foolish in the eyes of other people – all you need to do is make them look foolish in their own eyes. Then close the scene on that note and they will gnaw their own hearts out ever after.

f. Some mockery is deserved. If you perceive it to be, acknowledge it to be so, thank to perpetrator publicly, and offer to shake their hand. 95% of them will refuse, and then will appear to be ill-mannered brutes. This scenario actually raises you in the eyes of the spectators.

g. Some mockery is beneath contempt. Racialism, religious attack, sectarianism…all come into this category. Also any reference to physical distresses or financial circumstances. Just ignore it as you would the sound of someone flaying themselves with their own set of steak knives.

How To Bake An Ethical Urinal Cake

Congratulations. You read that headline and had the courage to continue down the page. You’re like the expendable guy in the horror movie who goes into the dark kitchen as the music starts…

Leaving the cake aside until tea time, have you noticed how many of your social media contacts want you to approve and vote for political leaders they love? And how they want you to disapprove of and refrain from voting for the ones they hate? And how they have decided that every single day is election day in your computer?

Isn’t it all getting to be a spare crack in your ass? Don’t you want some relief from them pressuring you? Well you can do something about it, and now is the time to start.

a. Make enquiries to find out which electorate your Facebook friend is in. Then ask them which polling station they normally go to, and at what time of the day.

b. On Election Day turn up at their house and offer to accompany them to that polling station. Or wait there for them.

c. When they approach the station start talking loudly to them about the candidate you wish them to vote for. If they become angry offer to buy their vote. Do this in the hearing of the returning officer.

d. When they go into the little cardboard booth, elbow them aside, snatch the tiny pencil from them and vote above the line…for their candidate. If you’re loud enough and fast enough you can get that paper into the box before the returning scrutineers descend upon you.

e. Tell the cops that your friend made you change your vote.

You’ll go in front of a magistrate and pay a fine, of course, but you will have had value for money. After your Facebook friend de-friends you, tell all your shared friends that you really are the best of pals in real life. And that you are going to go to every election together.

Detesting Donald Trump

I don’t actually, but don’t let me stop you.

Go for it. You do whatever you feel is right, or virtuous, or kewl. I won’t say you nay, or yay for that matter…because what I say doesn’t matter. You might be in a different situation – perhaps you are an American voter or an influential journalist or the Leader of the House of Representatives. If so, I will stand back and let you make your own mistakes. I meant decisions…did I say mistakes? I meant decisions.

For the rest of the world, it might be a more honest response to ignore the orchestrated hate exhibited for Mr. Trump and concentrate upon our own actions, nations, and leaders. We have far more power to raise or lower our guard, standards, or local political careers than we do those of Washington, Moscow, or Peking. That we do not says more about us than all our memes and protestations on Facebook say about the targets of our bile.

Look, take a break. Detest someone else for a while and give your Organ Of Hate a rest. Excoriate some African or South American robber-dictator. There are more than enough of them to give you a Miss Maud’s choice. You can do a hate du jour if you wish, complaining about a different regime each day for a month. You’ll end up sounding ever so much more cosmopolitan and kewl than just banging away on Donald. And you may make undying friendships amongst the migrants.

Or undying enemies. Your choice.


It’s the new password for social media posting. You make sure that your jeering reference to Donald Trump or Scott Morrison contains the  word ” ikewl2 ” and your Facebook or Twitter friends know that you’re cutting edge sophisticated and on-trend.

The need to be accepted is always with us – from the kindergarten class to the nursing home, we want to be part of the group – and if possible one of the cool kids in the lunchroom. We want people to want to sit with us, as much for the opportunity to see as to be seen. Unfortunately, too often we fail in this. Lunchrooms are big places and there can only be one cool table.

Now the internet has provided us with more space – and more tables. We can be the autocrats of whatever special-interest group we care to create. Forums exist for every possible subject., and the nature of these is such that one can be as critical and nasty as one likes with no fear of being ousted…as long as one is critical of someone else outside the group. It is precisely an electronic version of the cool table.

I sit on one, by virtue of a stock of photographs that I can trail through the Facebook page with funny captions. In another I am the head of the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia and encourage appalling behaviour. But I still need the key to general social acceptance in the room – hence ” ikewl2 “.

It s a universal magic word – please feel free to use it yourself when you wish to oyster-knife a conversation. No need for facts or sensible behaviour. Just share some hacker’s meme, append ” ikewl2 ” and sit right down at the table.

You’ll be amazed at what’s for lunch…