Upon Being Accused Of Kindness

I have just been publicly accused of kindness. I am mortified.

Years of careful treachery have been thrown out the window by this. Now people will smile at me, and I will be expected to smile back. And nod and chortle. I dread it. If someone essays to pat me on the back I shall pistol-whip them.

This is a prime example of how a career – nay a life – can be blighted by a chance posting on a public forum. I can readily understand how Hollywood villains who thought they had got away with it felt when the press started hounding them. Now I too will have to go into hiding lest someone come up to me and wish to shake my hand.

Already my position as Right Evil Bastard of the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia is threatened – and the other members of the Guild executive are forces to be reckoned with. I shall have to release photographs of them during the Christmas party. We rigged up an infra-red camera in the office supplies cabinet and made a video of what they got up to in there. Hint: don’t touch the carbon paper without gloves.

I shall just have to redouble my efforts. I was going to relax my grip of terror for January but now it’ll be back to the tongs and hot coals again. At least those who will be burnt horribly will have something to keep them warm during the winter.

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