” Aren’t You Afraid That Someone Will be Offended…? “

On the contrary, my dear.

I am afraid that no-one will be offended. Because if that is the case I have failed to read the social currents and have cast my bait onto a lee shore. All my effort is in danger of being disregarded. I have done my best work and it is languishing…

This is 2019. We’re in the Offended Zone. Everything we say can be taken amiss. Oops, sorry…that should be taken aMs…no, aperson…

We may be the least controversial, kindest, and blandest of creatures but we are still bound to be guilty in someone’s eyes. And with the internet it will not only be their eyes that condemn us – they’ll be able to post no end of condemnatory essays about us. We’ll be memed to death, if we’re lucky. The best outcome for most of the witch hunting will be a quick stake and bundle of blazing sticks.

Now I’m a hunted man. Oops, I’ve just admitted that I’m a man and written the word ” hunt “. I can hear the convoy of activists starting their engines and heading for me.

Is there no end to the torture? Can I never please everyone?

Well, no. No, I can’t. I’ll offend someone by being a Jew and someone else by writing Jew instead of jewish. I’ll anger someone by being male and someone else by doing it since 1948. I will make one section of the country angry by being healthy and another section by writing. Lord God, don’t let us consider what I’m about to cook for dinner…the criticism would be all too much.


So what do I do? Do I jink and dodge like a Halifax bomber whenever someone attacks my tail or do I just sail along and shoot at them with the quad .30’s? Do I try to buy the admiration and approval of people who are determined to neither admire or approve? Or do I eat my dinner, drink my toddy, and brush my teeth before bedtime as I have for 71 years – bidding defiance to politics, trends, and rituals of others?

Ask me tomorrow, it’s just about dinner time.



Strong Drink, Red Meat, And Immodest Laughter

I am a person of my times. But my times may not be right now. I am brought to this conclusion when I read the social media posts that would nag me away from a steak, a glass of whiskey, or a Catskill comedian.

Fortunately I live in a country that will still allow me my choices in nutrition, drink, and comedy. We have not yet had our life’s spectrum changed to shades of grey, pink, or green. We can still cheer for red, white, and blue.

My table is a private one – the comforting centre of a family’s meals. We see meat, red and white, on it regularly. If I am the cook, it is presented as well as I can manage, and I like to think that it has a great deal of comfort. In any case, the plates come to the washing-up sink pretty clean. I’d be happy if I didn’t have to shepherd hem through after that point, but that’s another story…I need not read how sinful I am for feeding my family…

Drink? I rarely rage through the suburb blind drunk and howling. Not that I don’t want to, mind, but the price of liquor these days means the best I can manage is occasionally standing in the front yard naked and singing. The neighbours have stopped watching.

As far as comedy goes, I am a throwback to the days of Wayne and Schuster, Burns and Allen, and Red Skelton. I want my jokes clean. I can mentally supply all the dirty words and political bias needed to spice them up, so the person delivering the comedy can leave them off.

I’m Offended

I’m offended:

a. That you have posted a picture of the American president. It doesn’t matter whether you love him or hate him…it just gives me an opportunity to be offended, and I’m going to take it. Had you not posted one, I would be equally offended.

I’m a double-acting scream engine…

b. That you are a different race/religion/sex than I am. And that you know it. And are not apologetic for the fact. Not that I would be prepared to accept an apology from the likes of you…

c. Because of history. Not yours or mine, as such…just history. Oooh that history!

d. That you think I am a fool. And that being a fool is somehow wrong…or foolish. I have a constitutional right to be a fool and you are required to validate my folly. I’ll sue you if you don’t validate me. And then I’ll sue your lawyer – and mine for good measure.

e. Aww, C’mon. At least validate my parking ticket. I’ve been here for an hour.

f. That you do not respect the flag. Or the badge. Or the coupon, post-it note, or phone number that my uncle wrote down on the wall.

g. Continuously. 24 hours a day all through the year. It’s a calling and a profession and I am proud to be angry at you all the time. For God’s sake don’t do anything nice or I’ll look bad…

h. That you have taken offence…at anything. Least of all, at me. Leave that alone. That’s my schtick. Get your own. You’re culturally appropriating me with your eyes. My culture is up here…

i. Because of what you said. Even if you did not say it, I read it on a Facebook meme. You could have said it. Shame on you.

j. Because all my friends are offended and it would be offensive not to join with them.

k. By statues. I’ve already got rid of Robert E. Lee and Nathan Bedford Forrest and I’ve got my sights on the Peter Pan statue in Kensington Gardens. Friedrich the Great in Potsdam and the Sphinx had better watch out, too.

l. Because there’s a lot of good free stuff you can get if you make enough of a fuss.

m. Because there’s a lot of bad stuff you can avoid being found responsible for if you make enough of a fuss.

Note: This column was not meant to cause offence. Or, for that matter, defence. Perhaps if you are offended and defensive right now you may be reading the wrong writer.



I’m Politically Incorrect

Yes I am. I know I am. I’ve got Facebook and I match all the memes. Don’t you dare tell me I’m not incorrect.

I still use the words ‘ boy ‘ and ‘ girl ‘. But I use them only when I meet a human boy or girl. I never refer to steam engines used in mine pumping or to zucchini in gendered terms. I also never refer to the current prime Minister of Canada in gendered terms. I’m not that much of an expert.

I do refer to women who serve drinks and food on airplanes as stewardesses and women who try to tell me how to vote and behave as actresses because I still retain enough eyesight to see that they are, indeed, female. I can also see that their male counterparts are subtly different. Subtle, but enough to earn the titles of ‘ steward ‘ or ‘ actor ‘. As I have nothing to do with what their training is or how much they get paid for these services, I do not propose to enter into their verbal games regarding these designations.

As far as referring to other people’s racial or ethnic origins, I am prepared to be guided by what they would prefer – provided that their choice allows me to do it in less than 20 letters. Past that it becomes a pose and a wank and I refuse to play along. When they get to two hyphens, I cease to care.

When it comes to operating my vocabulary, I desire no help. I’ve been managing it for decades and will continue to do so upon the old lines. You may keep your scolding tongue to warm your nose in winter.

When it comes to being publicly virtuous, I’m certainly prepared to uphold the use of correct ideas. Some of the ideas I think correct are made by Boeing, and some of them are made by McDonnell – Douglas. Some of them are made by Ruger. The Electric Boat Company has always been correct by me.




Neo-Colonial Subversive Dialectical Re-Vegan-Deconstuctivist Paradigm Shift


The World Congress Of Blaming has issued Directive N0. 8A to contract the bourgeois tendency of people to forget that they are guilty as charged. Memes will be issued to skilled World Congress operatives for insertion into social media to remind everyone that they are either oppressed or oppressive, and that we will be the arbiters of it.

This years Olympics, political murders, and mosquito-borne viruses will be linked to the great grandparents of the viewers and suitable invoices issued for reparations, blood money, guilt gelt, and non-payment of library fines. Anyone who has the wrong chromosomes will be targeted. The Committee Of Cooperative Contumely is currently deciding which strands of DNA will be sending monthly cheques to other strands, but you may rest assured that the Committee will be included in the get rather than the give.

It has been pointed out that there may be a cooling of tempers and calming of nerves when the hotter summer weather eases off in the northern hemisphere. The World Congress deplores this and will be doing its best to find new old outrages to shake in front of the cameras in the autumn. In the case of the American election the wrong candidate will be elected and howls of protest, riots, bus burnings, and looting of television, sportswear and liquor stores will be organised on a sensible schedule. This will occur whichever candidate wins, or if there is no decision made.

The World Congress also wishes to announce their 30th annual Slogan Competition for 2017. As you know, this year’s racially-charged three-worder has been sadly hijacked by people who have suggested that it need not be racially charged…and by changing one word have succeeded in making a breach in the integrity of the envelope and letting out some of the hot air. This is most inconvenient as it has caused the slogan to sag somewhat and to come down to a lower altitude. In some states it has barely made it over the Mississippi River going in either direction.

What we need for 2017 is propaganda that is simple enough for the simple to parrot but complex enough to defy rational thought by any other birds. Three words may be risking too much – preference will be given to a two word catch cry or even one simple word that can be howled while besieging the dole office.

” Arrrrr” has already been taken for World Pirate Day.

As well, there will be a one-off Blame Prize awarded to the designer of a mask that can be used to conceal the identity of the wearer while not advertising a motion picture. Sealing against tear gas and a tasteful colour  would also be nice.

Gaw…lee, Sergeant…


For those of us who remember Gomer Pyle USMC on the television, and remember it with affection, the quote will be familiar. For those of us who also remember English marmalade from McRobertsons in the 1950’s the quote should be adjusted to Golly. But apparently we can’t say it or contemplate the image or the concept of the Golly without being accused of the bitterest crimes.

It would appear that, like McRobertson’s in the UK, Australia is to be compelled to give up the Gollywog. Beechworth has a sweets manufacturer who up until now has been able to have a Golly in their advertisements along with what looks like a wallaby and a koala. It is to be no more – an anonymous Social Corrector has seen it and demanded that the Golly be removed.

This is a wonderful thing for the Social Corrector. It has given them insect authority to control what they cannot make and compel others to obey them, from behind a sheet.

This is cowardice of the lowest order. If you are going to complain, complain openly and be seen for what you are. You may still be able to bully and enslave others if you are arrogant enough, but at least they will know who is doing the harm…and possibly examine your life and ideas…

I will not be casting the innocent Golly out into the night. The heading image will appear on my Facebook page for a month. If I find a Golly in a shop, I will invite him home to tea, and serve marmalade and hot crumpets. It is the only decent thing to do. Anything less would be racist.

The Guild Guide To Political Correctness


The Backstabbers Guild Of Australia has a proud history of standing up for free speech, for equal rights, and for the purpose of getting out the door before the cops arrive. By the same token, we will not generally stand up for national anthems or nursing mothers on crowded buses so I guess that sort of equals things out. We do have an unequivocal position on the subject of political correctness; we are prepared to be one thing or the other, but not both together.

Let me give an example. Or rather, let me offer you a very good price on this example. You may pay by clicking the “scam” button on your keyboard. Thank you.

When we correct someone, it is not necessarily a political act. If they have written 2 + 4 = 7 instead of 2 + 4 = 8 it is an act of kindness to point it out. If we are persistent, and calm, and perfectly serious we can get them to change it to 8 and leave it at that. This is simple charity.

When we offer someone politics, either in theoretical terms like an election pamphlet, or in practical terms like a beating with an axe handle in front of the factory gates, it need not be correct. These days we are allowed to be passionate and that will excuse us. The Guild can train people to passion and the rates for the short course are very reasonable. Bring a clean towel and loosen your shirt collar.

The modern tendency to want both attributes in one is where the problem comes in – at the best it is nursery-school manners slapped onto adults like pabalum onto a waistcoat…and at worst it is rigid coercion wrapped in righteousness. The wise Guildperson will avoid both approaches.

If you want someone to say something in support of you there are dozens of ways to make this happen – from a simple request with a smile to a simple request with a smile and a revolver. A true Guild salesperson will “sell ” an opinion, rather than force it…and I know you agree with me because up until now the tyres on your car have no nails in them, if you know what I mean. No, don’t start up like that.

If, on the other hand you seek to stifle the voice of someone there is no need to go to all the trouble of press statements, demands for justice, complaints to statutory bodies, and the heavy handed machinery of the courts. The answer is far simpler. The Guild. We have been stifling voices for decades and there is still plenty of room in the basement. And now that the internet and social media is so prevalent there is hardly any need to use older methods – our Meme Department  can handle most of the requests we receive.

Nothing could be easier. You send us a large cheque and write on the back of it the name of the person you wish us to deal with. A note of their email address or website is also a  help. The Meme Department researches the subject, finds the most effective way of representing them in a bad light on social media, and floods it from multiple platforms.  Whether the meme needs kittens or cadavers, we can supply it ready-made. Foreign language memes can also be had for a surcharge.

The anxiety and time that this saves the average client is inestimable. And if the cheque clears…none of it ever needs to stick.