Lemon-flavoured With Real Lemon-type Fluid ( Reconstituted )

I sincerely wish that the food, drug, cleaning product, and motor oil trades had never heard of lemons. Because as soon as they became aware that the yellow fruit could be squeezed, crushed, ground, pulverized, or synthesized…they insisted on putting it in everything.


I like a good lemonade. I like a lemon wedge squeezed over fried fish. Mrs. DeSouza’s Lemon Slice that she makes for the local P&C bake stall every election day is worth getting there early for. And voting for. It beats the Democracy Sausage all hollow.

But I do not wish to encounter the blasted fruit in every recipe, cleaning lotion, face cream, and suppository on the planet. It may be doing wonders for the Vitamin C level and the complexion, but the omnipresence of it eventually makes everything taste the same. And it is not like it makes everything taste Like Mrs. DeSouza’s baked goods – it makes everything taste like Vim Cleansing Creme for the bathroom tiles.

I am also dirty on fruit and herb-infused hand lotions or car deodorants. I want my car to smell of oil and petrol and I want my hands to smell of my car. I want my wife to smell like my wife – not pomegranates and tumbleweed. I married her when she smelled good and she still does as long as she doesn’t roll in the fruit and vegetable bin at Coles.

Note: I am prepared to tolerate a twist of lemon in a martini or manhattan cocktail but only in months that have a vowel in them.

The Backstabbers Guild Guide To Marketing

There are two parties involved in marketing – the seller and the buyer. Only one of them needs to be polite, kind, and honest at any one time. It is always nice when they both are, but sometimes you have to settle for less. Technically it is also possible to have both sides act in a mean, dishonest, and greedy fashion, but only if you are conducting negotiations between large nations.

If you are going to be selling something – goods, services, or indentured labourers – you need to be cheerful, open-faced, and welcoming. You need not have decent merchandise, adequate service, or valuable laborers but the smile and the glad hand are essential. A snappy uniform or suit of clothes also helps.

Research your customers – not only do you want to know the things that they desire, you also want to know what they wish to avoid. If you can find out uncomfortable facts about them, all the better…the garment of merchandising has many strands interwoven and some of them can be made into nooses.

Make sure your offer is plausible as well as attractive. No good offering unicorns if you cannot deliver them. If they are mail-order unicorns, however, you may be able to get two weeks to clear the cheque and flee the country. As with all comedy acts, fraud requires an acute sense of timing.

Consider whether you are going to have to offer a warranty. This is required by state and federal laws for any sorts of goods you sell, and can run up to a year from the date of purchase. Illegal goods and services, however, are generally free of any of this nonsense and once you have the money you can toodle off. Consider whether you fancy being all that moral all that much…

And finally, remember that the most successful salespeople never take ” no  ” for an answer. You can recognise them in the emergency ward at the hospital as the interns and nurses try to remove the other answers that they have taken from their bodies. Turn away if you are squeamish.


How To Get More Traffic


Easy. Just drive out on the flaming road at 8:00AM. I’ll guarantee more traffic – more traffic than you have ever seen.

I was taken aback when I saw this headline on one of the click bait side panels for Facebook. Then I realised that the grinning fool depicted was trying to get us to send him money so that we could find out how to get more people to read our websites or weblog posts. His technique seemed to involve a small moustache and a glass of wine – much like something that Terry Thomas or George Cole might do. And I’ll bet the advice he would proffer would have all the probity of theirs.

I have attended seminars that addressed this topic, and I found myself wishing I had not. At the end of the first hour I experienced a desire for strong drink. At the end of the second I was looking for carbolic soap to wash out my ears. At the end of the third hour…well I have no idea what they were saying, because I was not there.

It was not that the advice was illegal, but more that it was disreputable. Sleazy, if you will, in a carefully analysed commercial sort of way. Manipulative, and I am not sure whether I was meant to do the manipulating or to let myself be pawed over. Not that I am averse to being pawed, but I expect a couple of drinks beforehand.

We all want people to look at us, unless we are engaged in stealing an ATM machine. Attention is money to us, and ego inflation, and validation of our existence. What we tend to forget is that attention in certain circumstances can bring handcuffs or counter-battery fire. We would do well to decide just how much of any of these we really want…before we give that shout out.

I have decided that my strategy to get more traffic will be to show kittens doing things to puppies. It seems to work on Facebook, and as long as the supply of small fuzzy animal babies holds out, success is ensured. Of course the kittens and puppies will grow up to be squalling, smelly, poop machines that will eat me out of house and home and crowd me out of bed but that is the price you pay for fame.