Sex And the SIngle Maniac

Enough has already been written about sex and marriage, before, during, instead of, and despite. Also love, which has more variations still – and some of them far less appetising. All these stories have been put out as healthy exercises for normal people – it is nowtime to formulate a workable sex code for maniacs.

The very words ” Sex Maniac ” have gotten a bad name of late, as Hollywood producers and religious figures are hosed off and hauled off to the slammer. In most cases this results in money for lawyers, which suggests that sin is gold that can be hydraulicked off the prominent like gravel off a hillside. I wonder if there are robbers who rifle legal sluice boxes…? And how do the rightful owners of the proceeds of public virtue know when to pull up the cleats and pan the results?

But back to the subject. To be a maniac you must be manic – a word that apparently means wild and frantically busy. As we are always being urged to get busy at work or school and to hurry up with everything we do, it’s hard to see how this suddenly becomes wrong. Perhaps it is the sex part that sours it. Perhaps the critics are really trying to make us slow down…which begs the question why. For their enjoyment…or to let them get a closer look…or to give time for the lawyers to arrive?

Would we do better to substitute other words for “sex” ? Not euphemisms like ” rumpy pumpy” or ” relations ” or any of that verbal footling. No, I mean substitute things like ” tennis” or ” woodworking ” for ” sex “. The thought of a tennis maniac or a woodworking maniac is actually pretty terrifying; one armed with a racket and the other with a set of sharp wood chisels. The poor old sex maniac is just hobbling along with their pants down around their knees while the other two are wading through a crowd striking right and left.

Of course one could always do the clever thing and change the word “maniac ” to “addict “, then call in the therapists and talk-show hosts. Far easier to travel the publicity round and appear in the supermarket tabloids as an addict than a maniac. And as soon as you beat the rap you can go for rest cures in resorts.

Who knows, you might meet someone nice…

The Disturbingly Cheerful Person’s Guide To Maniacal Laughter

I think the high point of my social life was a dinner I attended several decades ago when the after dinner speeches were interrupted by someone going off on a laughing jag. I lead a sheltered existence and this was the first encounter I had with this sort of thing.

Oh, I’ve seen Disney villains before and I knew that Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha was pretty standard when they had the good guys trapped in their lair. But a suburban hotel dining room hardly qualifies as a lair and when you hear it floating out over the cheesecake and coffee it can be a bit startling. When it changes to a cackle and then settles into a long series of shrieks – that never stop – you know you are not in Kansas anymore…

I did not see exactly how it was stopped – though after five minutes there seemed to be a scuffle and a series of yowlps and it went relatively quiet. I hope they did not need a wet canvas waistcoat. And I know nothing of the subsequent history.

The oddest thing about it all was the reactions of the diners at the various tables. There just is no social convention for this sort of thing. I cannot remember if I said anything, but I can describe the cornices of that dining room in minute detail to this day, and I suspect others can too.