Have You Made A Deliberate Error?

Or were you just subject to an unexpected attack of honesty?

I note you shared a piece of cheap political propaganda that used an image recalling Hitler to express your dislike for Donald Trump. It was not your artwork, but you seized upon it to shrill your opinion nevertheless.

I’m afraid it was…how shall we say…blatant. There was little subtlety in it. It was crass. it was cheap. It was propaganda done on the OGPU/ NSDAP model. It was unworthy of you. And of me.

I have no particular regard for Mr. Trump. Or Mr Xi. Or either of the Mr. Trudeaus. But I do have regard for my social media connection. I wish it to be intelligent and cheerful – the reflection of the social connection that one might find at a decent cocktail party. Not the howling swill-swirl of a propaganda meeting.

You’ve a month to spend your spleen and come back clean. I’ll look again in 30 days. If you appear to be the same you may walk off the property permanently.


How To Bake An Ethical Urinal Cake

Congratulations. You read that headline and had the courage to continue down the page. You’re like the expendable guy in the horror movie who goes into the dark kitchen as the music starts…

Leaving the cake aside until tea time, have you noticed how many of your social media contacts want you to approve and vote for political leaders they love? And how they want you to disapprove of and refrain from voting for the ones they hate? And how they have decided that every single day is election day in your computer?

Isn’t it all getting to be a spare crack in your ass? Don’t you want some relief from them pressuring you? Well you can do something about it, and now is the time to start.

a. Make enquiries to find out which electorate your Facebook friend is in. Then ask them which polling station they normally go to, and at what time of the day.

b. On Election Day turn up at their house and offer to accompany them to that polling station. Or wait there for them.

c. When they approach the station start talking loudly to them about the candidate you wish them to vote for. If they become angry offer to buy their vote. Do this in the hearing of the returning officer.

d. When they go into the little cardboard booth, elbow them aside, snatch the tiny pencil from them and vote above the line…for their candidate. If you’re loud enough and fast enough you can get that paper into the box before the returning scrutineers descend upon you.

e. Tell the cops that your friend made you change your vote.

You’ll go in front of a magistrate and pay a fine, of course, but you will have had value for money. After your Facebook friend de-friends you, tell all your shared friends that you really are the best of pals in real life. And that you are going to go to every election together.

Exhibit A: A Hormone

Exhibit B: A horse’s ass.

If you are unable to tell the basic difference between these two things you may qualify as a Facebook biochemical scientist. We have an audience of people who have paused their search for creme doughnut recipes and have grown tired of anti-Trump memes. They are ready for enlightenment, and you may be just the person to bring it to them. Intrigued? Read on.

The Backstabbers Guild Of Australia has always sought to ” assist ” the more fearful members of the community with those fears. To this end we have established the Office Of Worry – which seeks to supplant a natural dread of the dark or venomous snakes with more rational horrors – like vaccines or aeroplane condensation trails. In doing this we hope to help them feel like part of a regular movement…and regular movements are essential to health. Regular movements and soft paper, as Cohen The Barbarian might have said…

The current pandemic that is killing people all over the world is a perfect opportunity for us to introduce new fears, new complaints, and new bogus remedies. These are all part of the new lifestyle of reflex skepticism from which we may profit.

Are you ready to join us? Would you like to be taker or the taken? We have openings for both of these positions, though interestingly enough, these are located at opposite ends of the dog. Do let us know before we proceed.

Subscribe To Read More

The very best headlines are written by Russian trolls to get you to click on their infected websites. The next best, generally without infection, are the news sites that require you to subscribe to a service before they’ll tell you a dirty little secret.

It’s a free country – you can click away as much as you like and accept the consequences. The worst that can happen is that your computer system will be hijacked and frozen with a demand for ransom money. Then you’ll have a perfectly legitimate excuse to set fire to the whole thing in the back yard and just read books and drink beer. Tempting, or what?

I think there is a money-making opportunity going begging here. Based upon my experience with several contributors to Facebook, there would be a good market for a service that took a subscription with the promise that you could read less. It’s not so much a blackmail scheme as a no-mail scheme. For a monthly fee they would promise not to share the next chain letter or photo of the children. A premium service would hold back anniversaries of previous photos and the gold-card standard would entitle you to avoid personal information fyshing disguised as “fun” contests.

Can I put you down for a six-month trial?

Things I Have Learned So Far In The Virus Year

  1. People who have no intellectual life are ready to share it with you. This is done through repeating Facebook memes.
  2. Few have the courage to look at the elephant in the room, let alone mention it. If they do, they are judged. Even fewer can look between the lines for themselves.
  3. Bad tidings travel faster than good ones…because people love to be the bearers of them. See (1.) above. There will be some serious disappointment when this affliction passes and the doom-criers have to be happy…
  4. Some consumers are greedy and many suppliers are incapable of meeting the demands placed upon them…even after a time of recovery.
  5. Script-writing has gone from being a stage or cinema activity to being a social media one. None of the scripts need to be accurate – just eye-catching.
  6.  Some businesses will invent reasons to increase charges based upon public health issues. These will be blandly demanded – it is a fortunate customer who can forego the need for some item or service in this time. Note that the prices will not come down later.
  7. The American President, Australian Prime Minister, and British Prime Minister will be blamed for anything that the social media script-writers think they can get away with. The Facebook repeating stations will seize upon this to look kewl.
  8.  The Canadian and New Zealand prime ministers will be elevated to near god-like status by the same meme writers*. Most of the other world leaders will get a by for this round in the English-speaking press.
  9. Foolish home remedies and folk medicine will abound. So will religious activity, though not in large groups inside closed spaces. Both the religious and non-religious will claim victory for their opinions.
  10. As many fortunes will be made as will be lost – just amongst different people. Few of the really rich will suffer much.

*   You don’t suppose Justin and Jacinta are writing their own flack, do you? Or each others…?

My New Facebook Career – Success Ahoy!

The recent advent of Facebook caught me somewhat unawares. I joined it, watched the antics with amazement, and clucked with disapproval like an old hen when I saw the foolishness and ignorance rife. Silly me – i should have recognised it as a wonderful opportunity.

Well, better late than never. I have decided to award myself qualifications and trade upon them over this social media counter. The thing now is to choose what field of expertise I will dominate.

I am rather drawn to the medical advisory role right now – as so many pieces of information are traded each day on the net. As long as I do not go to the extent of telling people to plunge knives into their eyes, I should be safe from malpractice prosecution. Even then, if they have been watching the antics of some political activists and lifestyle promoters, the knives may be welcome.

Just this week I tackled the problem of people touching their faces in the current virus situation. Not recommended at all for reasons of contamination – but people still forget because they still have itchy noses and faces. The answer proved to be out in the scale modelling workshop. See heading image.

This may also ease the toilet paper shortage somewhat, though I would not have chosen the word ” ease ” initially.

Now, what other problems can I address before the cops arrive?

What Are The Qualifications Needed To Be A Facebook Political Critic?

  1. You must have a Facebook account. You are going to have to admit to a name for it, but you might not have to admit to your own.
  2. You must have a device, or access to a device. It used to be a computer you needed. Then you could go to a laptop, a tablet, or a mobile phone. Soon you’ll be able to browse Facebook from the back of a cornflake packet or a plumber’s plunger. How ironic…
  3. You must have an opinion. It need not be your own. There are racks of ’em that you can choose from – some a lot smarter than you’ll ever be. Just pick one and plaster it on your feed.
  4. You must never hope to stand for any office whatsoever yourself. Because what you share and write on social media will be stored forever and be retrieved by political opponents. I’ve been writing weblog columns for years and am safe against any call from a political party…indeed when I vote at our local school for state and federal elections they hand me How-Not-To-Vote cards.
  5. You must have the courage of your convictions. But don’t rush to it – if you have only been arraigned you may get off with a warning.
  6. You must be prepared to de-friend people at the drop of a hat. If you don’t own a hat there is a nice section in Myers Garden City where you can get them. Try not to de-friend people at the drop of a VB cap – it looks cheap.
  7. Keep an accurate list of who you love and who you hate. It is embarrassing to like someone else’s memes when they run counter to your own.
  8. Remember that elections are won and lost by winners and losers. Or is the UEFA games?