Dogwashing For the New Age

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The Backstabbers Guild Of Australia has always encouraged new industries. We feel that an active interest in capital growth is the best way to bring young people ahead – that and a good shooting war in someone else’s country that they can participate in on a contract basis.

Here in Australia, scientists have brought to our attention the need to conserve water and energy, and have pointed out the millions of gallons of fresh water that are wasted every year in cleaning cars, boats, dogs, and vagrants. The Guild has a plan to cut this waste. We have invested in water cannon trucks left over from the East German Political Police Service and are bringing them to Australia.

These trucks –  1989 Feldröhr 3000 SKV vehicles – are fitted with Skoda hydraulic cannon and pumps capable of pushing out 3000 psi streams of icy water that can travel up to 80 metres. They are fitted with a separate water trailer in some cases. Up until now they have been in demand in the Canadian goldfields as mobile hydraulic monitors to wash hillsides down into gold sluices. Unfortunately the British Columbia Department Of Ecology has ruled that they are too destructive to be used on rock faces or pine forests and so they have been offered to the Guild.

The new service – to be branded Guildy As Charged – will be available through the suburbs on a call-up basis. You merely phone in, give credit card details, and tell us what you want washed and where. The Feldröhr turns the corner in your street, the operator puts the muddy dog, child, or Hyundai in the laser sight and opens the valve. Most cleaning takes place in under 5 seconds and in many cases no windows are broken. Soap is unnecessary, and isn’t that good news for the environment.

For those objects that may be badly affected by water, the Guild will reserve one vehicle for use with a tank of xylene monoacetyte biphenolic acid which has been shown to dissolve even the toughest stain. In some cases through armour plate.

Remember – if it’s not clean it’s not safe…call the Guild today and rest in peace.

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There Must Be An Easier Way To Do It The Hard Way

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I have discovered several new rules. They are so new that they are ancient.

a. There is always an easier way to do things. It goes by several names; sloppy, incomplete, and shoddy are just three of them. You can think of more.

b. The easier way is cheaper until they send you the credit card statement at the end of the month. Notice that little 18% interest fee they charge you? It is the modern equivalent of the iron collar they used to put on serfs in the Middle Ages. And they don’t even have to heat up iron in a forge to do it…

c. Everyone wants an easier way. If you can find one, you can sell it to them. Even if it is hard to get and hard to do, they’ll want it.

d. None of the great art, architecture, science, or technology was done using the easier way.

e. If George Washington had clothes dryers for winter in 1776, Valley Forge would not have been so miserable.

f. Most military campaigns can be made easier by killing unarmed civilians. If you can find them in your own neighbourhood you need not march long distances. You can kill more people on a cost-effective basis and in some cases you can thin out the relatives as well.

g. Dogs and cats do it the easy way.

h. The easy way means that you forget how to do it the hard way until the bearings on the flux capacitor go and then you have to start forging iron all over again. Wise people keep a supply of coal, iron, and blacksmiths in reserve.

i. The easy way uses up 300% more materials than the hard way.

j. The easy way tastes like corn starch and saccharine.

k. The easy way has potholes, detour signs, and no petrol stations for 45 miles.

l. You can never do it the same way twice with the easy way because they change the software daily.

m. Before you know what the term “software” meant you were smarter and harder and faster. Now you know you have surrendered a lot of your own skills.

n. The easy way feels slightly immoral, even if you have no morals to begin with.

o. The easy way stalls in the rain and cracks in the sun and looks bad in bright light.

p. The easy way is out of date. Passé. It needs to be updated more often than the calendar.

q. Lazy people spell ” the easy way ” as ” the ezi way “. Soon they will reduce it further to ” TEW ” on their cell phones.

r. Then the European phone designers will put an actual TEW button on the phone.

s. Then Chinese copy bureaus will make it a touch screen icon.

t. Then the Japanese design bureaus will make it a CUTE touchscreen icon, and produce a series of animé, manga, stuffed toys, and consumer electrical goods featuring the icon. It will either be lime green or pink.

u. Then the Chinese copy bureaus will copy the cute icon toys.