When To Seem Helpless…

It might be a little odd to advise people to try to seem helpless. After all, some are that way naturally, and do not need to simulate it – some are never helpless, and are better for that. But those of us in the middle…sometimes competent and confident, and sometimes a quivering mass…need to know when to turn it on and when to turn it up…

a. If you are trapped in a dark alley between outlaw motorcycle gangs and rabid dogs, do not appear helpless. It only encourages them. Take the opportunity – perhaps your one and only one – to go mad and bad and dangerous to approach. Go incandescently insane.

b. If you are in a position where dignity is foremost, do not show any helplessness. Stiffen your upper lip and any other portions of your body that may seem appropriate, and behave like a gentleman or a lady. If you cannot decide which of the two to be, go icy and reserved. No-one likes to touch a corpse.

c. In all other circumstances…act helpless. It pays dividends.

If you go to any government agency…or really any office at all…you can be assured that they have more rules than ever you know about, and even when they provide an explanation, it is to their satisfaction, not yours. Here the helpless act compels them to assist in some way. Even if it is just to get rid of you before morning tea break, they will expedite the process.

Likewise professional offices will assist with their own professional processes…if you stand back and let them proceed. Be kind to the receptionist and let her solve the problems she could make you if you were argumentative and entitled.

Helplessness also will get assistance from people in shops, service stations, on the buses and trains, and really anywhere that is public enough. Do not exploit it, but reserve it for times when something really is all too much. Likewise, step up and assist someone else who you can see failing. ¬†That’s the secret to being moral. That and not setting fire to haystacks.

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The Backstabbers Guild Position On Britain And The European Union

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This is not ¬†” How To Vote ” advice.

It is not ” How We Think You Should Have Voted ” advice.

Because it is none of our damn business. The Backstabbers Guild of Australia has it’s own garden to tend to and it takes all our time to weed out loyal and honourable people from our midst. We merely wish to remind England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, and the Channel islands that the sun still rises in the east and sets in the west. Life goes on.

You beat the German army and navy last century. You beat the French army and navy two centuries ago. You ALWAYS beat the Spanish*.

You need not fear their wrath. No more than you need fear the piping indignation of the Spanish or French Netherlands. Or the Holy Roman Empire.

Courage. Your own empire may have severed itself some while ago but the invisible ties are still strong. Don’t pluck those strings, but don’t discount them, either. Treat the former colonies with respect and kindness and rein in your aristocratic hooray henries and all may yet be well.

Just don’t ask us for another Gallipoli or Dieppe. And put the idea of Breed’s Hill right out of your minds.

  • To be fair – the Spanish always beat the Spanish too…