Re Tales – Part Five – ” We Want You To …”

a. Sponsor our club.

We want you to give us things for free. If you do we’ll say we like you and might buy things from you. If you don’t we won’t like you and  might still buy things from you – but we’ll complain about the prices.

Actually, we’ll do that even if you do sponsor us.

b. Buy our product.

Every shop needs what we have to sell. That is why we go to every shop and try to sell it to them. We’ve already been to see all your competitors and filled their shelves, but we still have some broken boxes of stock to get rid of before we close the warehouse.

Ah, did I say close? I meant move to bigger premises. Where? Somewhere…anywhere…

Of course the goods are good sellers. We managed to sell them to everyone else already. Why should you be suspicious?

c. Subscribe to our service.

Our service provides you with a plan. This will explain the program and the opportunity to become part of a concept. You get in on the ground floor. Everyone is doing it, and we will all be rich. All you need is faith and the ability to enjoy the wonderful benefits of the planned concept program. I own a BMW and I take vacations to exotic places every year, so it must be all okay.

Well, not exactly this year…unless you regard Bunbury as exotic. It can be exotic, if you go while the pubs are still open.

d. Join our movement.

Did I say movement? I meant Party. No. I meant Crusade. Oops. No – no, I didn’t. Our collective. Still not right? Church? Temple? Mosque? Schul?

Anything? Nothing? Can I sell you some cookies to support our good works? I’m tired of eating them myself.

Getting More Traffic Into Your Street

And not just any traffic – congested rush-hour jam traffic with drivers honking and swearing and the occasional sound of bumpers crumpling. Nothin’ says lovin’ like a road-rage fist fight on the footpath. Sound good? Lookin’ forward to it?

Or how about a steady even stream of cars – occasionally stopping to wave to you as you water the new front lawn. No noise. No smells. No crashes. A little less exciting, but ultimately easier on the nerves.

Well, these two choices are what you get when you start to do a weblog column and the thing is picked up by blogging promoters – the people who want to sell you either themselves or some formula that allows search engines to find you when you go to the bathroom. Kind of like electronic cocker spaniels – presumably they sit at the door, whining and scratching.

My email inbox is full of these at present – people who ” like” some particular post but only as an opportunity to wedge their feet in the door and sell encyclopaedias. I pay the courtesy to each of these email contact of looking at their weblogs – at least once – but I select only a few to follow upon a further basis. These are written by people who are amusing, sensible, or who share my hobbies.

Getting more readers is exhilarating but at my age I can get sparkling lights in front of my eyes standing up quickly. I value praise from people I value…but not from glad-handers and boosters.

I can get that from the Indian call centres…