I Blame The….

a. Police…when people who are committing crimes are chased and caught and jailed and made to be unhappy. This is not right. A criminal has a constitutional right to do crime…based upon their ethnicity and their desire to do crime. The police want to punish this and it’s an outrage.

b. Police…when people are injured or die evading them after committing crimes. A person who does crimes is supposed to escape from the police because I have seen it on the telly and in the movies. If they do not succeed it is a basic assault on human rights.

c. White people. Because it has proved to be an effective way to get publicity and eventually get paid for it. And it would be wrong to prevent a successful business from flourishing.

d. Society. In case there are successful people with money that can be accessed who are not white. They are guilty too…of being successful.

e. Pauline Hanson. Because everyone hates her and if I blame her I look virtuous.

f. Pauline Hanson’s former partners and party members. Hard to tell who’s being nasty to whom, but I figure that when you see a head you kick it.

g. Donald Trump. I get kewl points for this and Trump is so far away that I never get pulled up for it. I tried blaming Hilary but I got an email with a picture of a horse’s head in my bed. So I just blame Trump for everything…I’m no fool.

h. Vaccines. And when that doesn’t work I blame non-vacc people. The effect is the same – I get publicity.

i. Schools. Well, we all hated school, didn’t we, and we made sure that our kids knew that it was the right way to be…the hating, I mean. So now when they screw up royally, it’s all the school’s fault. Stands to reason, eh?

j. The flag and the anthem. Well, it worked for Kaepernick, didn’t it? I might get a lucrative shoe contract if my kid won’t stand up at school assembly. Worth a try, innit?

 

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How To Win Fiends And Inconvenience People

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Dale Carnegie has been gone for many years but his legacy of social engagement and self-promotion lives on. His book might seem dated but the concepts he espoused are universal. So, too, are those of the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia – like glitter or scrofula, we never really go away.

Dale was concerned with ways of making yourself more likeable and liked – the BGA operates on the other side of the highway. And we are every bit as keen on it as Mr. Carnegie – indeed we can give you our guarantee that if people do not shy away from you in disgust after 60 days of our treatment we will refund your money.

Now most people start out inherently likeable – if we weren’t, our parents would sell us on eBay. Even as young people we have certain attraction. Many of the young people I know attract dirt and unstable companions. We need to do something to counteract this, and it need s to be done on a regular basis.

This is where the BGA comes in. We can teach you all the moves that cause people to move away. We can give you mental halitosis. We can equip you handsomely for a life in the wrong.

Are you male? Caucasian? Awake? You can be in the wrong with feminists, socialists, and Al Sharpton right now from the comfort of your living room without doing a thing. In fact – you already are…Shame, Shame, Shame…

Are you a citizen? Are you an actual name on a voting roll? Do you have an identity that can be verified in a court of law? You are a blot on the escutcheon of the world, Sirrah, and must be blamed for whatever and whenever we want. Shame, Shame, Shame…

Are you going to persist in using the word Shame instead of changing it to Shaem in recognition of the intuitive-spellings countercultural collective? Shaem, Shaem, Shaem…

” But wait a minute ” you say. ” “I’m a coloured woman, I vote for the Democratic Party. I knit quilts. How could I be shamed? I’m safe. ”

Madam. You are alive. You are walking around dressed in clothes. You eat breakfast and read library books and drive a small sedan car. Trust us. If we can’t find someone who finds everything you do offensive, and is prepared to dissect it out into a series of bitter little Facebook posts, then we will give up making vitriol smoothies and take up knitting ourselves.

Did we mention that knitters are guilty?

 

 

Neo-Colonial Subversive Dialectical Re-Vegan-Deconstuctivist Paradigm Shift

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The World Congress Of Blaming has issued Directive N0. 8A to contract the bourgeois tendency of people to forget that they are guilty as charged. Memes will be issued to skilled World Congress operatives for insertion into social media to remind everyone that they are either oppressed or oppressive, and that we will be the arbiters of it.

This years Olympics, political murders, and mosquito-borne viruses will be linked to the great grandparents of the viewers and suitable invoices issued for reparations, blood money, guilt gelt, and non-payment of library fines. Anyone who has the wrong chromosomes will be targeted. The Committee Of Cooperative Contumely is currently deciding which strands of DNA will be sending monthly cheques to other strands, but you may rest assured that the Committee will be included in the get rather than the give.

It has been pointed out that there may be a cooling of tempers and calming of nerves when the hotter summer weather eases off in the northern hemisphere. The World Congress deplores this and will be doing its best to find new old outrages to shake in front of the cameras in the autumn. In the case of the American election the wrong candidate will be elected and howls of protest, riots, bus burnings, and looting of television, sportswear and liquor stores will be organised on a sensible schedule. This will occur whichever candidate wins, or if there is no decision made.

The World Congress also wishes to announce their 30th annual Slogan Competition for 2017. As you know, this year’s racially-charged three-worder has been sadly hijacked by people who have suggested that it need not be racially charged…and by changing one word have succeeded in making a breach in the integrity of the envelope and letting out some of the hot air. This is most inconvenient as it has caused the slogan to sag somewhat and to come down to a lower altitude. In some states it has barely made it over the Mississippi River going in either direction.

What we need for 2017 is propaganda that is simple enough for the simple to parrot but complex enough to defy rational thought by any other birds. Three words may be risking too much – preference will be given to a two word catch cry or even one simple word that can be howled while besieging the dole office.

” Arrrrr” has already been taken for World Pirate Day.

As well, there will be a one-off Blame Prize awarded to the designer of a mask that can be used to conceal the identity of the wearer while not advertising a motion picture. Sealing against tear gas and a tasteful colour  would also be nice.