I have made a terrible discovery. Here, right here in my house. I have discovered a portal into the depths of hell.
I have found a stash of unwanted presents.
The rest of the family, and that means two guilty females, have been quietly stashing away items that have been given to us over the years that no-one in their right mind would want. The occasions upon which they entered out lives might have been Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries, or other legitimate festive days. They might also have been giveaway promotions from work affairs or supermarket promotions. Some of the worst look like things that have been abandoned on the doorstep.
There are several disturbing aspect to this discovery:
a. This sort of merchandise was actually made and actually sold to someone. Those someones walk amongst us. We may be within range of their mind-control vibrations right now.
b. We were considered suitable subjects to receive these objects. Is there a sign on my back that says ” Garbage wanted – apply within. “?
c. Someone gift-wrapped this stuff so that it got in without being thrown out. OMIGOD – we probably said ” Thank You “…Oh, I feel dirty…
d. The two guilty females are keeping this stuff for a purpose. It has no real purpose in life, so it can only be to give it away again. We are going to be, in turn, criminals.
The only real hope I see is a burgeoning of the cult of Marie Kondo. If they can latch onto the idea of ditching things that do not spark joy, this stash of trash may be binned, rather than presented to some other poor soul.
Pray for us…or prey for us, if that seems better…
Today is the day when I get to watch the rest of the world strain to do what I do naturally all year round – make fools of themselves.
They rather artificially limit themselves to pre-noon antics and try to fool people into believing that IKEA makes a flat-pack airliner or spaghetti grows on trees. It is a charming reversion to earlier times when fake news was fun…rather than the rather serious politics that it has become.
I should imagine that the more deadly regions of the world probably have something similar today – setting land mines for each other with ” Ha Ha ” painted on them. This is small stuff – when they start to lay naval minefields it starts to get serious fun.
I must admit that there are times these days when I find it nearly impossible to tell fact from fiction. As a result I now default to not believing anything at all. It saves me immense amounts of angst when it comes to fielding telephone calls from India or finding notices from the taxation department in my email. I used to wonder whether I was doing the right thing in ditching these – now I discard them instantly and no harm ever comes. It is going to be hard in the future to rouse me with anything on the email.
But back to the day. For me, it has the especial significance of being my 69th birthday. I will not escape household chores or the duties of the day…nor will I escape the expenses…but I can hope for a dinner in a Japanese restaurant and a slice of cake afterwards. It is enough.
A friend has just had a healthy baby girl. On her own birthday. This is going to be a money maker for all the shops in a 10 mile radius over the next decade….
The first birthday for one will also be the next birthday for the other, and there will be presents galore. The second birthday there will be even more presents, plus two more candles, then the third birthday and so it goes on…The cakes will get bigger…they’ll need to be to accomodate the increased number of candles. Eventually they will present a fire hazard and the family will receive a warning notice from the Fire Department.
Then the firm that makes LED birthday candles will step in and reap the benefits.
This Christmas may be a little soon, but Christmas 2017 will be a bumper year for Toys R Us. 18 month-old parents are the stuff of dreams as far as toy stores are concerned. Careers have been founded on these sort of sales…
In the meantime all the friends of the happy family will be able to discharge their stock of corny jokes and baby advice. The new parents will be told exactly what to do by everyone and all the advisers will contradict each other. Everyone will have an opinion. Of course they will all be right…
For myself, I am going to sit back and wait. Teenage years are the time when the most fun occurs. And I am waiting until the day when the new daughter is taller than the new mother…