The Backstabbers Guild Of Australia Annual General Meetings

My forthcoming trip to Melbourne and Sydney will be enlivened this year -and I hope in every subsequent year – by the opportunity to conduct the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia Annual General Meetings in each city. I am preparing my address for each location.

The Guild was founded in Melbourne several decades ago and has flourished – so much so that backstabbers can be found in every state of Australia. The Perth AGM has languished for several years  but this will also be re-instituted. Given the boredom and despair – not to mention the red-hot anger and viciousness – that an AGM can generate for any society, the BGA ones are memorable.

I am planning, as Right Evil Bastard, to award medals of dishonour to several people. My chemist has assured me that the pins on the medals are tipped with curare. He was unable to obtain suitable amounts of ricin or polonium but fortunately he has a cousin from Brazil. I always think the organic poisons are the best for the environment, in any case.

In both Sydney and Melbourne I have authorised agents to book tables – a pizza restaurant is the traditional venue – and allowed them the freedom to round up the usual suspects. I am happy to say I expect the worst. If it is to be a German restaurant that would be wurst.

Will there be sadness? Will there be fear and horror? Will there be treachery and madness? Look at our name – it says it all.

Care for an invitation?

The Guild Guide To Political Correctness

BC

The Backstabbers Guild Of Australia has a proud history of standing up for free speech, for equal rights, and for the purpose of getting out the door before the cops arrive. By the same token, we will not generally stand up for national anthems or nursing mothers on crowded buses so I guess that sort of equals things out. We do have an unequivocal position on the subject of political correctness; we are prepared to be one thing or the other, but not both together.

Let me give an example. Or rather, let me offer you a very good price on this example. You may pay by clicking the “scam” button on your keyboard. Thank you.

When we correct someone, it is not necessarily a political act. If they have written 2 + 4 = 7 instead of 2 + 4 = 8 it is an act of kindness to point it out. If we are persistent, and calm, and perfectly serious we can get them to change it to 8 and leave it at that. This is simple charity.

When we offer someone politics, either in theoretical terms like an election pamphlet, or in practical terms like a beating with an axe handle in front of the factory gates, it need not be correct. These days we are allowed to be passionate and that will excuse us. The Guild can train people to passion and the rates for the short course are very reasonable. Bring a clean towel and loosen your shirt collar.

The modern tendency to want both attributes in one is where the problem comes in – at the best it is nursery-school manners slapped onto adults like pabalum onto a waistcoat…and at worst it is rigid coercion wrapped in righteousness. The wise Guildperson will avoid both approaches.

If you want someone to say something in support of you there are dozens of ways to make this happen – from a simple request with a smile to a simple request with a smile and a revolver. A true Guild salesperson will “sell ” an opinion, rather than force it…and I know you agree with me because up until now the tyres on your car have no nails in them, if you know what I mean. No, don’t start up like that.

If, on the other hand you seek to stifle the voice of someone there is no need to go to all the trouble of press statements, demands for justice, complaints to statutory bodies, and the heavy handed machinery of the courts. The answer is far simpler. The Guild. We have been stifling voices for decades and there is still plenty of room in the basement. And now that the internet and social media is so prevalent there is hardly any need to use older methods – our Meme Department  can handle most of the requests we receive.

Nothing could be easier. You send us a large cheque and write on the back of it the name of the person you wish us to deal with. A note of their email address or website is also a  help. The Meme Department researches the subject, finds the most effective way of representing them in a bad light on social media, and floods it from multiple platforms.  Whether the meme needs kittens or cadavers, we can supply it ready-made. Foreign language memes can also be had for a surcharge.

The anxiety and time that this saves the average client is inestimable. And if the cheque clears…none of it ever needs to stick.