Beat The Parcel Bandits This Year

The crime of theft from the front doorsteps of Australia is on the rise – the holiday month plus the increase in on-line shopping means than more and more deliveries are being made…and more and more delivery personnel are discovering that no-one is home.

Some of them make this judgement after ringing the doorbell and knocking for 5 minutes. Some make it from the street as they drive by at 50 kph. The second types are generally Australia Post contractors who just take the parcel back to the local depot and leave it for you to seek. The ones who invest a bit of time at the front mat may to leave the goods under it or behind the potted palm and then buzz off.

Here is where the parcel thieves succeed. They trail delivery trucks until they get one of these unattended drops and then swoop on it after the courier has driven out of the street. The goods are gone and the intended recipient may have a miserable trial trying to get anyone who handled them to admit to it.

The Guild Solution to this is BGA Couriers. In our distinctive cars and vans – we have a magnetic sign that can be whacked onto the doors of any car…and as easily removed again – we drive through the suburbs until we pick up a ” trailer “. There is a list of likely suspects circulated daily and any old Commodores or Hyundai sedans with oxidized paint panels are instantly recognised.

A house is selected – preferably with an open driveway, closed garage doors, and a porch easily seen from the street.. The BGA Courier goes to the door with a temptingly large parcel. The courier seems to ring the bell, but no-one answers…so they prop the parcel in full view of the street and drive away. With a bit of luck the thief swoops, collects the bait, and is off and away.

What’s in the box? Anything we fancy. Old laundry, used, and well past saving. Commercial leaflets that have been accumulating for the last three months. Pistachio shells and glitter in an unsealed bag. Dust from the Hoover. Just anything…

After all, it is the holiday season and in this case we are far better giving than receiving.



The Australian League Of Virtuousness

As Right Evil Bastard of the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia, I take great pleasure in announcing the formation of the newest of our branches; The Australian League Of Virtuousness.

The League, as a division of The Guild, will be responsible for promoting goodness instead of badness – virtue instead of vice – and justice instead of tyranny. This will take place on alternate fortnights or on occasions when The Guild is absent for holidays.

Of course, revenue generated by the League will revert to The Guild and be distributed accordingly. As it is expected that the customers for this new service will be in a proportion of 1:5 – as per the Barnum ratio – there may be a considerable time before excess profits are available to return to The League. But we have hopes that light will prevail over darkness eventually at a rate higher than C.P.I.

Aspirants to the League will be required to demonstrate their committment to social justice, temperance, and anything else that can attract dollars or attention. At this point of time we do not plan to practice any religious ceremonies beyond passing the plate.

Please note that virtuousness is not connected with virtuosity. Virtuosity plays on the violin – we play on the nerves.

Detrolling Your Life – Part Two – The BGA Way

The Backstabbers Guild Of Austalia is nothing if not public-spirited. When we see a wrong we right it. No dragon can threaten a fair maiden when The Guild is present. At least not first.

Ignoring and blocking the troll is still the best legal way to cure the problem. Remember that as you read the list of alternatives.

a. Most trolls are misfits. But that having been said, even the least socially active will have some contact with other people. A job, perhaps, or a family. A club or organisation that they belong to. These are known in the general world as “outlets” for them – to a Guild member they become ” inlets “. Places where the armour of trollery is weakest…

b. Find this place. Make friends with the troll’s friends. In sight of the troll. But do not include them in the discussion.

c. Bad language can be a specialty of the troll and a way that they shock and bear down on their victims. But trolls frequently have only one language to use…at most two. There are many more for you to choose from.

Find a teacher or speaker of a language that the troll does not know. Latvian, Urdu, Samoan…whatever you fancy. Pay them well to teach you some choice foul expressions in their tongue. Real corkers. Curses that would make native seamen blanch and lean against walls. Practise these until you can deliver them faultlessly, and then deliver them faultlessly. Your tone of voice will cut as deeply as if you were speaking English, but you cannot be frowned on for bad language. Occasionally you may horrify a tourist, but that is the price you pay for sophistication.

d. On no account go to a furniture auction and purchase a sturdy kitchen table. Do not wrench off one of the legs and then go and beat your tormentor about the head and shoulders with it. This is illegal. And it spoils what may otherwise be a perfectly good table.

e. Even trolls pay tax. But do they pay the correct amount? The ATO has hot lines over which you can raise this very question.

f. If your troll is physically findable, do so, and go to them and forgive them. Do it publicly, and do it sincerely and in detail, with others listening.

Then do it again the next day. At the same time.

Repeat this for a month – day by day. That hour – the Hour Of Apology – will be come an accursèd time for them for the rest of their life. Once a day your ally, the clock, will haunt them.

g. Do you like to eat and drink well? To dress fashionably and in comfort?  Save up some cash and then arrange to do just this within the sight of your troll. You need not acknowledge them, but you might want to listen for the sound of their teeth grinding together.

In all of the above remember that whatever comfort there is in the sight of an enemy discomfited, there is far better enjoyment to be had in actually forgetting about them. They wither and fall away if not attended, and leave the earth clean for better growth.



Detrolling Your Life – Part One – The Sensible Way

A friend recently had the recurrence of an internet troll, and was somewhat disturbed by it. Fortunately other friends skilled in social media counselled that it was much better to block the nuisance than to react, and this was done. There should be less distress felt in the future.

That advice was good, and has been with me for nearly all my life…but I did not recognise the value of it when young. In those days there was no internet…the only computer we had ever heard of was Univac and it was on television quiz shows. The idea that we would be using a personal one to communicate with people who were going to be unpleasant would have been inconceivable. We got bullied in person, and ignoring the bullies was a physical process. It was probably more effective than I realised at the time against individual offenders, though the fact that there were different cliques and groups of tormentors made it seem as though the business was never-ending.

The current term ” internet trolling ” seems to be a number of aggressive and passive-aggressive behaviours that hearken back to playground bullying. The irritating part for many is the fact that, to the perpetrator, the whole thing is an amusement rather than an offense. It is an important thing for the victim, and they are even more distressed to realise that their plight is belittled. It is never improved when the bully tries the old trick of saying ” Can’t you take a joke? ” because this is just shifting target for another attack.

Blocking or ignoring the troll is the idea, and many do by utilising the social network settings to stop direct contact. Unfortunately there are other pathways for the aggressor to operate through mutual net acquaintances. Unless they are prepared to entirely remove themselves from otherwise useful social communication systems, the victims are still open to attack.

Here is where the advice of The Guild comes in. And tomorrow the second part of this article will detail this. Those of a nervous disposition would do well to read it with the lights on and a strong cup of tea.

Buy A Meme Now


The Backstabbers Guild Of Australia has a great offer for you – your own meme. Your own damaging meme. An image of you taken at a time when a puff of wind has displaced your hair – or the edge of your dress – and you have been made to look awkward. If you have a silly expression on your face at the time…or really any expression at all… our talented team of BGA writers will craft a satirical sentence to make you look even worse. Ever so much worse.

Our service here is comprehensive – once the meme is made, the IT team will size and reduce it for inclusion on all social media platforms – Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., and the Distribution Department will make sure that it hits the computer and cell-phone screens of the entire world. Not only that, but we have dedicated operatives around the globe who will make sure that it is re-tweeted or re-sent for weeks after the first exposure. You’ll never be out of the public eye, nor will your name ever be off the lips of the electronic audience. They will laugh you to scorn for months. People will spit at you in the street…

You look concerned. Is that a frown on your face? Have you missed the point of this communication?

This is all possible, and given the number of enemies that you have, probable. But it need not be. One cheque and it all goes away. We are not enthusiasts. We are not zealots. We are not pitiless avengers of political wrong.

We are business people. Did you want a receipt with that?