My Eyes Are Up Here

I don’t mind you staring at my chest, but that’s not what this post is about. I’m a guy and my chest is not that good to look at.

Okay. I have a set of scales in my bathroom and it is probably a good thing for my health to use them every week. I should run between 75 Kg and 67 Kg for decent health…but there are times when I have no idea what my weight is – even though I am standing on the scales.

The problem is the readout on the scales is down there and my eyes are up here, and as I have spectacles for short-sightedness, I cannot see what the numbers are. The ideal time to weigh myself is when I am dry after a shower with no clothes on ( treasure that image… ) but my glasses are never there to let me see the numbers. When I step off the scales to peer down the display cuts off…

Please, Chinese appliance makers, make a set of scales that has a wireless link from the foot pad to a big LCD readout on a separate screen that I can mount up on the wall or the bathroom mirror at eye level. I’ll pay for it and cheerfully put two sets of AA batteries in the pad and the readout to let it operate. Heck, connect it with a wire, if that’s easier.

But until I get eyeballs in my knees, the daily weight will remain a mystery.


You Can Buy A Policy To Protect The Warranty…


And you need never worry about extra shipping charges on the removal clause for the two year extension of the general service option. You can sleep soundly at night…

You bet I can, Sport. I’ve been in retail myself for 8 years and I know how the game works:

A. The clothes dryer stops. The serviceman says that the motor has seized and it will cost $ 400 to replace it. You laugh and then both of you agree that it just isn’t worth it for a 15-year-old white goods appliance. You offer him the thing for spares as long as he will discard the casing for you and he accepts. You part on good terms. The dryer did all it was going to do and it is no shame to get a new one.

B. You look at the on-line catalogs for three major appliance retailers in the area. $ 500 give or take $ 50 is the price for the size dryer you want – there’s about 6 brands to choose from.

C. You go to one of the stores. The salesman homes in on you as you are looking at the one that you want. He tries to sell you one that is 6 times as expensive. You refuse. Then he tries 3 x the price. No. Then 2 x…

D. Eventually he agrees to see if they have the one you want in stock. They do. The deal moves to the cash register counter.

E. Now he offers the extended warranty. It already goes for 2 years – and one of those is compulsory by state law. He would like you to sign up for thee more years. Peace of mind is a phrase that trips over his lips.

F. You counter by wondering out loud whether an appliance that will only go for two years is worth the $ 500..he blenches, which is a good sign. Then the offer switches to extended delivery and no-cost removal of the old dryer.

G. We’re taking it in the back of the Suzuki and the old one is long gone, Sport… If the price is the $ 500 sticker price you will buy.

H. Three more attempts on different flim flams. Three more refusals.

I. Final agreement. $ 500. They make a healthy profit anyway. The entire song and dance was an attempt to wring more money out of you

J. You drive round to the rolladoor where the warehouseman loads the machine into the back of the car and it fits ( You measured it all up before…).

K. To home, hook it up, and dry the clothes.

You have a peaceful mind and dry clothes.



The Clothes Dryer

DryThe invention of the clothes dryer may very well be the basic point at which we turned from savages to civilised people. Prior to this were were at the mercy of providence and the Meteorological Bureau for enough clean clothes to wear for a week – after this we could structure our lives around art, science, and literature.

Why it took so long is a mystery. The resourceful colonists in Massachusetts and Vermont and such invented cider presses, iron stoves, and gasoline buggies long before they had the good sense to supplement the clothes line. Even before the age of steam there must have been someone who was bright enough to realise that fire makes heat and hot air could dry clothes. It isn’t rocket science.

And what a boon it would have been to the pioneer women, They might have been resigned to  spending their days in childbirth and Indian fighting, but they would all have welcomed dry towels to do it with.

If a primitive society could devise a way to distill bourbon they could dry clothes in the winter. I think there must have been a conspiracy way back then. It would make for a good PhD…