Becoming Immature – An Older Person’s Guide To Life

We are often told that contact with the young keeps a retired person in touch with reality. That it helps them to recapture their youth. That it is golden door to eternal happiness.

This is what is known in technical terms as a crock of shit.

Look closely at the youth that you wish to emulate and observe their behaviour – perhaps when they are lying on their bed looking at a screen. Reflect that their phone may be mobile but they are not. And that a goodly portion of their disposable income is disposed of to the telephone company.

Then again, watch them as they walk or drive around the town looking at that screen in an effort to find electronic signals that indicate Japanese cartoon monsters. Here again, money is spent by them and received by someone else. It does not flow back again. There is the occasional reward for the older observer when the screen addict runs headlong into a light pole or a Toyota.

Look at the social media and observe the anguished and tangled love lives of the people who post there. Would you willingly dip your toe, or any other portion of your anatomy, into those troubled waters? No.

So what direction should you go in your search for happiness? If becoming a  re-tread twenty-something or a thirty-something is unattractive, should you aim for middle or teen age again? Lets see:

a. Teen age. Turn on Triple J radio or any other station aimed at the teen market, put the wireless on full volume, and listen to it all day. You’ll only need to do this for one day to conclude that the teenage years are best left to the acne’d.

b. Middle age. Well, you are closer to that now than to teenage, so you can use your own memory. Was being 40 a lot of fun? Were you the apple of your own eye or just the pip? Do you want to be a wage-slave again, remembering that wage slaves have wage slave-drivers to contend with? Thought not.

Go further back. Go to your childhood – to the time before you were 12 years old. Find the things that you liked to do and the dreams you had for the future…and either do them again or actually achieve them this time. You’ve got money now, and experience, and can separate the wheat from the chaff. And then make something of the chaff.

Actually, most of the cereals your physician advises you to eat are chaff…

You’ll find that nearly everyone will leave you alone when you are having this sort of fun. Either you do not come into their control radar or you look so weird that they are nervous about making eye contact. This can be the case particularly if you have determined to be a new old bike rider and have invested in lycra. Also slow exercises in the park making strange noises.

The rewards will come when you realise that you actually are having fun and that it can be done on the cheap. And no-one rails at you to get out of your comfort zone. In fact you can tell THEM to get out of your comfort zone and most times the cops will back you up. Just no shooting over the lawn.



” I Used To Love You, But…”

Well that’s a great thing to hear, isn’t it? Woe, woe, misery me…

Well, actually, it is a great thing to hear – and for more reasons than you might think:

a. If someone used to love you it shows that you are lovable. You may not perceive this instantly in the mirror if you have been reading Mills and Boon novels or looking at the bright magazines at the checkout…and notice that you don’t look or sound like any of the heroes or heroines of fiction. But someone did see something in you.

b. If they include the word ” but “, there’s a good chance they are trying to show you theirs…and they are moving away. Smile and wave, Kowalski, and reflect that when they are gone there’s going to be a whole new world of other people to love you. If you had vanilla last time you can have chocolate next…or strawberry.

c. If you never knew they loved you, you might want to re-run the tape of your relationship and look more carefully at it. Their love may have been all tenderness and fluffy pillows or it might have been slashed tyres and headaches. If you didn’t actually see any signs of it –  – in any form – you ain’t gonna be missing much in the future. Refer back to ( b. ) above and go out to a party.

d. ” But, it’s all over now. ” Well ffetch a cloth, Granville. And some Jeyes fluid.

e. ” But my standards have dropped. ”

f. ” But then I saw you in your true light. ”

True lights are a getting tougher to find in the shops. You can get LED lights and cheap Christmas lights, but true lights are difficult. Be grateful that you got to have a go while you could. If it’s any help, you can get Everready flashlights at the service station…

g. ” But now I love another. ”

Great. I’d love another myself. Make mine a pint of Double Diamond. And see if they have any packets of crisps.