How Does An Atheist Bless You?

Tom

Well, it’s not as silly a question as you might think. If an atheist does not imagine or believe in any deity but still wants to give out some sort of non-committal promise that you will be happier because they said so…they have no mechanism in place to project it from. They can’t really promise you kindness from the government because they know what the government is like – and they can’t promise you the fealty and love of other people because the other people might know what YOU are like.

About the best they can do is assure you that they hope you are not run over by a street car. And even this is difficult to promise in Melbourne.

Atheism is a tough row to hoe. All the work of being moral and no relaxation afterwards by killing your enemies in the name of superstition. You might get a chance to kill them in the name of economics or theory or a coloured rectangle of cloth on a pole, but like as not someone will write a book about it 50 years later and try to make you look bad.  It almost takes the fun out of explosions.

The other tough part is there are no feast days for atheism. And feasts involve food and drink. Oh, you can go to the local hotel and order a counter lunch and a couple of pints on Tom Paine’s birthday but no-one puts up a tree or makes presents or takes you into the broom closet for a cuddle because of it. ” Joyeaux No ” as a song has never made it to the charts.

Worst of all is there is no money to be made out of atheism. No cards, no gifts, no food, no booze, no sleigh rides in cold climates or slay rides in hot ones. No-one ever gives money to the No Salvation Needed Army. Even when their lassies are not blowing trombones and tambourines outside the pub.

I tell you, it’s enough to shake your faithlessness…

 

 

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I Blame The Television

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I sometimes have difficulty attracting models for photo shoots. I will think up an idea involving model snow plows and Ziegfeld Follies girls and no-one wants to participate. The one with the industrial PCB’s in a swimming pool was also poorly attended. But any time you mention vampires…you are in danger of being knocked over in the rush.

I find this odd as the people who are keenest to participate would generally quail at the sight of an underdone steak. They faint whenever they see the sight of a needle at the movies and even a minor cut brings them out in hysterics. Yet give them a chance to be coated in fake blood and sharp teeth and they are all for it.

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Perhaps it is the corsets. Inside or out, a corset is a pretty wonderful garment. It suggests sex, even when it is actually the equivalent of the waterline armour belt on a heavy cruiser. More time is spent getting out of it than getting in, and that means spur of the hour…One false move with a corset and the fastenings will rip your fingernails off.

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Perhaps it is the neck biting. We all have bitten a neck at some stage of the game – mostly just to see what happens. A hickey is all very well but I suspect we would be a little nonplussed if the first chomp produced a pulsing stream of arterial blood. Particularly if that was in the back row of the movies. Perhaps more thought should be given to this before the popcorn gets red and soggy.

GJB64It might be the immortality thing, though when you consider the fact that driving, popular music, and teenage manners get more annoying with each decade, do you really want to experience it in a hundred years? And sleeping in a coffin filled with the earth of your country is all very well, but if you are from Meekatharra or  New Mexico it is mostly gravel and how comfortable could that be.

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I have been lead to believe that vampires fly. So do tourists from Singapore. Big deal…flying. Do vampires get a chance at the Duty-Free? I think not.

As far as the other forms of romance associated with vampirism; blood-sucking, sparkling, screeching, incredible strength, and capes – these are also attributes of your average Marvel or DC super hero. You can get to do all the cool stuff  without having to go out into graveyards full of freezing mist and leeches. And you get to wear your underwear on the outside without getting arrested.

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Nevertheless. here are three favourite vampires – Richelle, Leanne, and Ngaire. No good trying to ask them out on dates – they are all three married….to thin, pale fellows who faint a lot. I think it’s the corsets…