Troll Is Such An Ugly Word

And so subjective.

If I agree with you, laud you, and foam over your pants in regard to some opinion you’ve posted on Facebook…I am a Facebook friend.

If I laugh at you and post an opinion that makes you look a fool, I’m a troll. The judgement is entirely from your side, and I suggest that it is flawed. Shall we consider you a troll for putting up the original controversy? Were you trolling for acclaim, or a fight, or some baser reason?

Unpleasant remarks are bad manners whenever they are aired. But they can be primary unpleasantries as well as secondary ones, and doubly damnable for that. If you pick a fight and are punched in the nose…or reputation…because of it, the blame as well as the fist falls on you.

If you would like to be considered virtuous and kewl and on-trend…do something other than post your invitation for admiration. And if you get something other than what you trolled for, remember it the next time you share an opinion.

The Key To Happiness Is…

What? You expect me to tell you? How the hell should I know what your key to happiness is? I’m not you.

My happiness? Toy airplanes and rum toddies and pinup girls. Hardly do for you…I don’t think you could build a toy airplane if your life depended upon it. You need entirely different keys. The only thing I can help you with is to tell you where to look for them.

Where you left them, dummy. They will be where they were before you went off and started scrabbling for a living. While you still had it all before you to do, the things that you loved to do were your key. Now that you have been doing the no-fun stuff for years the old keys may seem rusty or inadequate…but they still fit the lock. Time to polish them up and give it a try.

Were you an explorer and traveller as a kid? If you were and hated it, stay home and be happy. If you loved it, go out the door and don’t come back in until way after dark. When the world opens again, stay away overnight…then the weekend. Then go anywhere and you’ll be happy.

Did you love to read? You can join multiple ending libraries, haunt bookstores, build your own library. You can write your own books – journals if you are shy, or novels if you are not. Remember that you can tell lies as well as truth when you write so take yourself seriously.

If you wanted to paint, go buy the fanciest and most useless box set of paints in Jacksons and burn canvas. Or go sketch live models at a class. Or get a camera and take pictures…I promise you it will seem easy until you try to get better.

Nearly every division of human endeavour can be done to some extent, and there can be happiness found within the boundaries of that pursuit. And you can tailor the key to suit the lock perfectly.

How To Bake An Ethical Urinal Cake

Congratulations. You read that headline and had the courage to continue down the page. You’re like the expendable guy in the horror movie who goes into the dark kitchen as the music starts…

Leaving the cake aside until tea time, have you noticed how many of your social media contacts want you to approve and vote for political leaders they love? And how they want you to disapprove of and refrain from voting for the ones they hate? And how they have decided that every single day is election day in your computer?

Isn’t it all getting to be a spare crack in your ass? Don’t you want some relief from them pressuring you? Well you can do something about it, and now is the time to start.

a. Make enquiries to find out which electorate your Facebook friend is in. Then ask them which polling station they normally go to, and at what time of the day.

b. On Election Day turn up at their house and offer to accompany them to that polling station. Or wait there for them.

c. When they approach the station start talking loudly to them about the candidate you wish them to vote for. If they become angry offer to buy their vote. Do this in the hearing of the returning officer.

d. When they go into the little cardboard booth, elbow them aside, snatch the tiny pencil from them and vote above the line…for their candidate. If you’re loud enough and fast enough you can get that paper into the box before the returning scrutineers descend upon you.

e. Tell the cops that your friend made you change your vote.

You’ll go in front of a magistrate and pay a fine, of course, but you will have had value for money. After your Facebook friend de-friends you, tell all your shared friends that you really are the best of pals in real life. And that you are going to go to every election together.

You Are The Only Barrier To You

There is only a very small difference between being puissant and being a piss ant – and it is ” u “. This is also the case in general life. The chiefest obstacle to your advancement is you.

I held myself back from greatness when the openings were there through laziness and lack of confidence. The lack of confidence might have come from outside but the laziness was all internal. I reaped the reward of these two traits by passing through a lacklustre career  into meagre fortunes in old age.

Yet, I eat regularly and sleep soundly…and as yet have retained enough health to laugh and drink. I find it politic to be content with this, though I occasionally run howling through our suburb biting people at random. I like to think of it as social interaction on a new plane.

Had I realised my limitations before I started practising them, I would have removed a fair few. I daresay I still wouldn’t have been elected to parliament, but I might have made it to the backrooms of power and been able to blight the lives of others.

Moral of this post? Do not sell yourself short – even if you are the only buyer who expresses any interest. You can probably do a great deal more damage or good if you just rush blindly at the world regardless.

Subscribe To Read More

The very best headlines are written by Russian trolls to get you to click on their infected websites. The next best, generally without infection, are the news sites that require you to subscribe to a service before they’ll tell you a dirty little secret.

It’s a free country – you can click away as much as you like and accept the consequences. The worst that can happen is that your computer system will be hijacked and frozen with a demand for ransom money. Then you’ll have a perfectly legitimate excuse to set fire to the whole thing in the back yard and just read books and drink beer. Tempting, or what?

I think there is a money-making opportunity going begging here. Based upon my experience with several contributors to Facebook, there would be a good market for a service that took a subscription with the promise that you could read less. It’s not so much a blackmail scheme as a no-mail scheme. For a monthly fee they would promise not to share the next chain letter or photo of the children. A premium service would hold back anniversaries of previous photos and the gold-card standard would entitle you to avoid personal information fyshing disguised as “fun” contests.

Can I put you down for a six-month trial?

Semi-Extensive Plans*

I was searching for a more polite word to use than ” Euphemism “. I’m that kind of a writer. A horrible person, mind, but my essays are smooth things to read. I tone them down for the milksops in the readership.

Now then listen up, you people

This time of unprecedented crisis has had many previous examples. The Red, Black, Bubonic, and Trudeau Plagues of the Middle Ages. The attacks of Mongols, Tatars, and other community organisers. The world has had many stressful centuries. We are unlucky in being alive while this one is raging and are only going to see an improvement in our luck if we are alive when it has passed.

I have consulted the rest of the family and concerted a course of action – it is informed by the most authoritative scientific research and backed by governmental approval and the blessing of Mark Zukerberg.

I am going to stay home, stay in and stay busy. I shall build 12 model aircraft over a series of months and then come up for air. I shall speak to others on computers and telephones and not worry who is eavesdropping. I shall take my daily tot of ethanol and not feel worried about the effect it might have on my morals. I shall exercise my morals in full view of the neighbours.

I shall cheerfully ditch plans to go overseas by any means short of a Heinkel 111 bomber. Ditto over east for at least 6 months and likely longer. I shall store up my wanderlust and only let it out in a year’s time. The desire to appear sophisticated and well-travelled has evaporated.

I shall read the library again. Already I have read something that was put on hold for 50 years. There are books at the back of the stack that are nearly as old and neglected and i will likely have forgotten whodunnit by now.

I shall learn to bake. Expect smoke and indigestion for awhile.

And I shall continue to say my piece and speak my mind as the weeks unfold. I’ll lose Facebook friends, I’m sure, but I won’t lose my soul.

*  Half-vast.

Absence Doesn’t Make The Heart Grow Fonder

It makes the brain forget.

It makes the people who used to see you forget what you look and sound like, where you live, and what you used to do. It makes you forget them, too. It further adds blurring of your memory about place and time.

How lucky can you get!

Unless you bear internal and external scars and are currently serving time or dodging warrants, the gentle mental disconnection involved in not being there any more can be a very beneficial thing. You only worry about it if you think you are missing out on current fun. Take my word for it – the fun you thought was going to get better didn’t. Life continued on after you left and it is pretty much the same life as it was before. Whatever your current situation is, it is probably just as good.

Note for the self-isolated: The cocoon of indifference my save someone’s life. You have to decide, however, whether it is worth saving…