Harmony And Harmonica Are Two Diffferent Words

Are you on Facetwit? Or Googram? Do you respond to your phone, computer or tablet every time it makes a dinging sound? Are you a modern version of a Pavlov dog?

Congratulations – you are a prime candidate for Le Régiment Zukerberg. Also known as the 101st Internet Lancers. The Old Brigands. You are the person that they want  – because they can make you do anything that they want you to do – and do it willingly.

If you are suspicious of this, consider your history on the internet:

a. Do you write your own material or just ” share ” what they lay in front of you? Are you advancing on your own recognizance or are you led…or driven?

b. Do you respond predictably? Can they count on you to share, tweet, like, or proselytize just as directed?

c. Do you do this for free? Or do you pay for the privilege of doing it?

d. Are you passionate? So passionate that you will embrace anything that you’re told to embrace? Would you do this physically at the bidding of a master? There’s always a place for a willing prostitute, so don’t worry if the answer’s yes.

e. Can you be turned quickly from one opinion to the opposite if Central Command decrees it? Are you ready to applaud the Brest – Litovsk treaty one week and declare class war the next?

f.  Are you willing to ignore the bad behaviour of other people if it is useful to your party? And to find cause for outrage in the mildest opposition?

If you can agree to some or all of these observations, you too can be a social media instrument. An instrument of power – of vengeance – of justice. Also of propaganda, of deceit, and of treachery. What a career you can have.

But be aware that it is not all happiness in the Divine Instruments Of Justice Brigade. While you might think of yourself as a Trumpet Of Glory, the reality may be that you are merely a Harmonica Of Wind. And the sad thing is eventually someone will turn you upside down and rap you against the table to get the spit out.

 

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I Rather Like Mr. Trump

And so should you. Here’s some good reasons why:

a. He is loud and brash and sometimes crass.

This may not seem a good thing to start with but consider how much better it is that way when you are in a group of Trump-haters. You can be harshly judgemental and in line with your crowd at the same time. You try doing that to one of your university classmates or drinking buddies and see how good-humoured they’d be about it.

b. He is male.

If you are not and are angry about that, he is the ideal embodiment of The Patriarchy. Or The Oligarchy. Or The Lever Archy. ( That’s an in joke for people who collect stationery…). In any case he is a convenient punching bag for you when you cannot find someone else to punch.

c. He is white.

Well, actually sort of tanned pink. But a lighter shade than his predecessor. If you are not, and resent the fact, you can batten upon his race as the cause of all your troubles. If you’re a little leery of playing the race card, in case it is used in turn against yourself, you can always complain that his ancestors were Dutch. That’ll get everyone on your side, including 96% of the Netherlands.

d. He is rich.

Well, that annoys me too, but I can point to every one of his possessions or activities and either sneer or cry. Everyone else who is in the same boat can join me. If we all bay at the moon the dogs will join in. Awwwooooo….

e. He has funny hair.

You might decry this but it’s been a godsend to the political cartoonists. They had a difficult time with Obama as any exaggeration of his face teetered on racial stereotype. They had to batten upon his ears. The funny Trump hair is funny and I suspect he keeps it so for a good theatrical reason.

f. He has bad ideas.

Yep, some of them are doozies. Of course all his predecessors had bad ones too, and so will all his successors, and every othe world leader… but you need not be scholarly or fair about it. When he has a bad one, you get to crow and dance about.

g. He has good ideas.

Awkward… This one is a problem, as you may secretly agree that one of his schemes is a darned good one. But what can you say? How can you agree with someone you have always pilloried? What if the good idea succeeds? Is it hot in here or are you sweating?

Give yourself an out. Do like the Russians used to do whenever anyone else invented something or did a good deed. Tell the world that it was already done by Ivan Svelkavich in 1845. In the case of Mr. Trump, invent someone who had that same good idea but from the Democrats or some socialist party. Then blame Trump for stealing it.

You know how to operate a blame-thrower, don’t you?

H. He is American.

All the way through, probably…though I doubt that you’d be allowed to saw him in half to count the rings.

The main thing is he is American and not British. That means if you are, then he is wrong. You get to deal him the same contempt you dealt to Lincoln, Roosevelt, Wilson, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, and every other President. You get to resent every success and sneer at every failure based upon the fact of his citizenship – not merely his leadership.

You can rely upon every small politician or large comic to assist you in this with the assurance that you’ll always get an audience to agree with you down the local pub. That audience may be sitting there under the sword of Brexitocles and sipping their £ 8.00 shandy while the lights flicker on and off, but they’ll all agree to hate Trump with you.

Just don’t make the mistake of thinking that hating Trump will make them love you or themselves… and if you are on a trip to the USA do remember to pick the correct bar in which to open your big fat mouth.

 

I Shall Be Happy To Support You…

If you are worthy of my support.

This means that the meme you have copied and thrust into my face on Facebook ( Is that where the name comes from? ) will have to be moral and intelligent as well as smarmy. Oh, I like smarmy all right…talk to me after four beers and we can trade smarm…but I am unwilling to sacrifice my good sense, patriotism, or moral principles to gratify you. I am perfectly happy to like your kitten pictures but please keep cheap politics or baiting people  off the page.

I shall also back you to the hilt if you are supporting a good cause that has the primary aim of actually being good. If your cause is selling oleander oil, time-share apartments in Queensland, or the racial vilification of Asians, you are wasting time touting it. In fact you may be opening yourself to the kind of contumely that you are least able to bear. I do laugh readily, and it can be at as well as with you. I can write well enough to set others a’laughing as well.

Please do not regard me as an enemy – I am not. I wish to love you long time, and am dismayed when your actions make this impossible. Help me. Be reasonable. Do not ask me to march up the street screaming against your imagined enemies.

Let me do it against you. I know you. We’re friends…

This Post Has Been Viewed 22,367 Times…

And aren’t we all better for it?

I see from my involvement in Facebook that I can be rewarded with attention from other people. I get it in the form of ” likes ” and small cartoon symbols attached to whatever I post. If I cannot think of something to gain this attention, I can search the internet for someone else’s opinion and post it as a ” share”.

I am not sure how many ” likes ” and ” shares ” I need to be adjudged worthy of entry into Heaven, but if there is a definite number, I’m sure that the Facebook organisation will tell me, and provide a bar graph to show how close I am coming to it. Thankfully, if I seem to be falling behind, salvation-wise, they are prepared to boost my visibility in exchange for money.

To be frank, I’m actually surprised that they have not started to subtract money from my bank account already. It’s computerised and they seem to be in charge of that.

And how did we get ourselves into this mess? We were sensible and adult in the 1990’s. Surely we can be so again.

Happy Holidays

I intend to wish people Happy Holidays this year during December…in spite of Facebook memes and pressure posts that insist I must only think of Merry Christmas.

Oh, I intend to have one of those too…a pre-Christmas gathering with relatives and then a catered lunch at a hotel on the actual day. Merry will be practiced, I assure you.

But I also hope to have an equally cheerful Hanukkah and even a midsummers dinner. Here in Australia we do that instead of midwinters. If I were a Buddhist I could have a holiday during the month as well, and if I were a black American or a Hispanic American I would have even more celebrations to cook, decorate, and buy presents for. A veritable month of jollity.

And if I were an atheist I could celebrate the 25th of December as Newtonmas and send cards with ” Reasons Greetings “. I would be careful who I sent them to, however, because I think they would severely affect the people on Facebook who post those scolding memes about the term ” Merry Christmas “.

After all, I would not wish to affect their happy holidays…

Hard Times For Soft People

Fate can be very unkind for many of us. Health problems, money problems, personal problems – they can all appear to limit our lives. What we need in these occasions is health, wealth, and happiness as an antidote. The simplest way to get this is to enter the social media and press the “ meme me “ button.

The result is rather like activating a dump valve in an industrial shower stall. You are wise to brace yourself before you hit it as the initial wave of sentimental horse shit can knock the unwary off their feet. Once a steady stream of unwanted advice is established you can turn round in it and get your bearings.

You will be encouraged to forget your troubles as you are forced to remember those of others. And in many cases you will be asked to send support…or even money…to any number of good causes.

Is this a help? In some instances it can be; if you are subject to low blood pressure the sight of some of your advisers can raise that. Then again, if you are inclined to be morose, their profile pictures may cause you to giggle.

And always remember that if they are somewhere else sending you memes, that means they are not at your front door pressing pamphlets on you. You can open the screen door without having to wedge it…

It may be difficult to cheer up, but not impossible. Even the mighty occasionally drive their cars into lamp posts.