Evidently A Good Person…

How often are we greeted with this over the morning egg and coffee? In most cases it is quite the opposite – a beloved entertainment figure is held up to scorn and calumny for some sexual offence – a local official is found to have stolen money – the schoolmaster is pictured dressed in an SS uniform at a Christmas party. It is not so much a case of shaking our faith as preventing it from developing in the first place.

I am always willing to assume the worst about people…but secretly hope that I am wrong. I would be delighted if the monster that is booed from the political platform was kind to puppies. I might not be prepared to vote for them, but I would trust them to walk the dog.

Equally, I am fair-minded when it comes to actual criminality – as long as it can come before a magistrate who is not elected by the local community. I have faith in the British system of justice, though the British can give me an ache in the pancreas as often as not when they start to spout John Bullshit. Done fairly, the British court system does mete out justice in most cases.

It depends upon evidence – evidence that can be clearly presented, seen by the magistrate…and everyone else in court…and that can stand the test of proof. The cases where there is a lack of evidence are harder to deal with, but I still think that they err on the side of caution enough to allow justice to prevail. Unfortunately they can also err on the side of the ruling classes in more cases than you’d think, but this is dying out.

I should still prefer to stand a trial in front of a standard magistrate here than the Supreme Court of nearly any other nation in the world.

The Ethical Slap In The Face

Lets state a fact right at the start. Telling anyone that something’s ethical is a direct insult to them – and a blatant attempt at mind control. Here’s why:

a. It assumes – and states – that the hearer doesn’t know yet what is ethical. Or flouts it deliberately. Calls them a fool or a knave by even introducing the subject.

b. It states by implication that the teacher is in control of what the student will learn. Worse…it implies that the teacher is ethical. With no proof ever asked or offered.

c. It calls into question – by the fact that the subject has been raised – the past behaviour of the hearer. Had it been ethical, would this statement have been made?

Okay. We’ve established that there’s something here about which you can be mightily offended. If you’re 18-27 years old this is all you need to go off and have a  good time. You can be a virtuous victim. Enjoy. Knock yourself out.

If you are older than this you need to look at the problem of what to do when you really do know what is ethical and are thrown amongst those who do not. It may worsen – you may be amongst those who do not know good manners either. In the former instance the law and the police will back you up but in the latter you are left to Heaven. And Heaven has off-days.

The most sensible ploy is to abandon morality and ethics altogether and fall on the nearest victim red with tooth and claw. If you don’t feel yourself capable of this, slice small slivers away from morality and use them to lure the victim to their salvation. Allow them to be bad enough to injure themselves and feel it, and then offer the balm of not having to do it repeatedly. The wiser ones will seize upon the idea.

Or invent a system of ethics that will allow whatever particular behaviour you probably won’t be able to eradicate anyway, and then license it. They’ll feel strengthened in their folly and you’ll get a nice little earner. This may not be ethical but adjust that when you next have time.




How To Bake An Ethical Urinal Cake

Congratulations. You read that headline and had the courage to continue down the page. You’re like the expendable guy in the horror movie who goes into the dark kitchen as the music starts…

Leaving the cake aside until tea time, have you noticed how many of your social media contacts want you to approve and vote for political leaders they love? And how they want you to disapprove of and refrain from voting for the ones they hate? And how they have decided that every single day is election day in your computer?

Isn’t it all getting to be a spare crack in your ass? Don’t you want some relief from them pressuring you? Well you can do something about it, and now is the time to start.

a. Make enquiries to find out which electorate your Facebook friend is in. Then ask them which polling station they normally go to, and at what time of the day.

b. On Election Day turn up at their house and offer to accompany them to that polling station. Or wait there for them.

c. When they approach the station start talking loudly to them about the candidate you wish them to vote for. If they become angry offer to buy their vote. Do this in the hearing of the returning officer.

d. When they go into the little cardboard booth, elbow them aside, snatch the tiny pencil from them and vote above the line…for their candidate. If you’re loud enough and fast enough you can get that paper into the box before the returning scrutineers descend upon you.

e. Tell the cops that your friend made you change your vote.

You’ll go in front of a magistrate and pay a fine, of course, but you will have had value for money. After your Facebook friend de-friends you, tell all your shared friends that you really are the best of pals in real life. And that you are going to go to every election together.

Awarding Yourself A Dishonourable Discharge

There are few pleasures in life so sweet or rewarding as receiving a dishonourable discharge and being thrown into the street. We all dream, but so few of us can achieve it. Yet it is really something that’s in the grasp of any virtuous person…if they can only do the right wrong thing.

Getting cashiered from the Army is easy – purloin the mess funds and squander them at the track. You’ll be out in no time, with your hat chucked after you. If you want to get out of the Navy, steer the ship into the nearest hard object. I’m not sure what you have to do to get out of the Air Force, but I’ll bet it involves unbolting something in the hangar.

Getting spectacularly fired in civilian life is harder. I saw one girl in our shop go off to court over theft of stock and an attempt to sell it on the internet. Others argued with the management or left in dudgeon over rules and regulations. I must say I found this rather silly…I was subject to those same restrictions and I found it easy enough to ignore them entirely while just feigning ignorance. Actually, it wasn’t feigned…it was genuine.

I have often fantasised about storming into or out of an office. Whether it would be to demand a job or resign one is immaterial – it is the screaming and drama that are important. I don’t even have to be right – just virtuously outraged. Heck, I can do that about chewing gum on the footpath. Or the sex- bias of the lumber trade. I have often demanded female log jams.

Barrack Room Law 101

There are two principles that must always be borne in mind by the practitioner of barrack room law:

a. Magna Carta.

Ye olde establishmente of an agreement between a robber king and robber barons in England in the Middle Ages that can be cited to establish the rightness of anything. The language of the document they drew up is convoluted and uses so many obscure words that it can be twisted to any shape these days.

If you wish to dig a sewer through your neighbour’s front garden, Magna Carta can be brought up to give you that inalienable right. If you are quick and bold enough you can be halfway through the hydrangeas before the fraud is discovered. Even if you are made to stop, you will have had the satisfaction of ruining the lawn.

b. Reducto ad Hitlerium

Anything that you wish to attack can be referred back to Hitler and tarred with a nazi brush. Again the absurdity of the thing may be staved off until enough attention is drawn to you and then you can retire in ablaze of assumed virtue.

Be careful when using this on Europeans of a certain age and ethnicity. They may well remember the original and will not accept arguments based upon an ersatz copy.

Drawing yourself up and pretending to be a pillar of virtue is a good ploy in both cases; A or B. It is the same thing as an animal flashing a brightly-coloured tail or raising a ruff. It gives the impression of a much fiercer enemy than may be the real case. Opponents might be frightened off by it, or at least put off their timing long enough for the prey to run.  Be aware that some opponents are actually versed in law and virtue and will pursue arguments to very bitter ends.

” Are You In The Queue? “

A question addressed to me in our local grocery store as I stood 1.6 metres away from the next shopper.

She, in turn, was 1.6 metres away from the one in front…but the consequence of having a half dozen shoppers was the queue stretched down into the actual shelving aisles. If we were trying to prevent physical touch it was working, but the possibility of getting adequate air exchange to blow away the cooties was never going to happen.

Hopefully all is well, and I am back home holed up behind the glacis of goodness. I am not touching my face with hand sanitiser or coughing into anyone’s elbow. I’m not even posting  lockdown ikewl2 anti-Trump messages on Facebook.

It Costs No More To Be Kind

And indeed, it also costs no more to be polite and honourable.

However, in these extraordinary times. we must make what little frugal savings we can, and even if the cost is minimal, it is better to pocket pennies than press them into the hands of others.

This may seem cold and cruel, but coldness and cruelty served the regime of Josef Stalin very well in the 1940’s and 1950’s and who are we to pretend to be better judges of human nature than he? We may not have our own prison camps and gulag, but we can still practice simple viciousness for our own benefit right here at home.

For instance – we are undergoing hardships at present due to the prevalent plague. No guessing where it came from or who started it out – or, for that matter, why they did it and what they hope to gain from it. You’re allowed by law to think about it, but you are not allowed to speculate openly. There are laws that prevent this and people who rigorously search for transgressors. You must keep your thoughts to yourself.

However, you can use noms de plume on social media to hint at what you cannot say openly. If these hints are cleverly worded they are judged as memes and slip through. If there is a picture of a kitten, puppy, or scantily-clad girl attached to them, they are almost sure to be seen. It does not do to be too direct…there are things called algorithms that are watching for the wrong opinion and they can trace it back to you. It may not be Big Brother watching you – it may be Big Sister…and She is infinitely  more oppressive when she swings into action.

Away from our current dilemma, being cold and abrupt is really a very good business model if one is beset by charity requests. You may think you are free from these, but consider the missions that send begging letters for vaguely-defined recipients and who employ large organisations of professional call-artists to cozen money out of you. This may be milked out on the basis of your compassionate character or by telling you you are historically guilty of something. No matter which approach is taken, the tittie that is squeezed is yours. You would be well advised to make it a tough one.

Is it Too Soon To Get Out The Old Carpet Bag?

I know we are still in a shooting war with the virus plague, but we’re hunkered down in the bunkers and doing what the officers say. However, the essence of being a good Guild member is the ability to plan ahead. Now is the time to think about profiting on the misfortune of others.

A lot of businesses are going to go broke in the next few months – the virus plague and the general downturn of trade will find those with low cash reserves and high liabilities. The current exemptions and rules that the government is extending to tenants and consumers will eventually run out. It is at this time that the assets will be ripe for the picking.

Of course, the objection will be raised that this is inhuman and trading in misery. Compassionate objectors are easily skirted, and you can throw empty KFC containers at them as you swerve by. The more relevant consideration is whether the assets are worth spending money on – I mean, if the original owner has gone bust, what are the chances that you’ll make a better fist of it. If there is a considerable amount of plant, machinery, and real estate involved, this can possibly be cut up and parcelled off to other carpet baggers in turn.

Staff that have been stood down may have some residual workplace rights, but if you liquidate the companies entirely, you can often run away from these. The superannuation and pensions will, of course, be paid directly into the Swiss account before you even start to auction off the secretarial pool. If Robert Maxwell taught us anything, it was the value of quick work.

Note: be careful. Even if you are getting things at a bargain, they may be worthless if the panic sets in again. Even Maxwell had difficulty keeping his head above water in the end…

For myself, I plan to invest in cotton plantations, sharecroppers, and county elections. They’ve never failed yet.

Wondering About The Toilet Paper

The Great Toilet Paper Scandal should be winding up about now – if we are to believe the blandishments of the supermarkets and governmental flacks. We’ve gone though the disgraceful panic hoarding episode and endured the bare shelves while we stay home – but now the vaunted normalisation is what we want.

There is an interstate ban on unnecessary travel by tourists – even a regional ban here in Western Australia. All sensible and all deserving of our support. We are staying put in our houses as per orders – with online shopping and the barest of grocery runs when unavoidable. And keeping our distance from friends and family.

Plenty of time now for the TP supply to return via normal trucking schedules.

So where is it?

Semi-Extensive Plans*

I was searching for a more polite word to use than ” Euphemism “. I’m that kind of a writer. A horrible person, mind, but my essays are smooth things to read. I tone them down for the milksops in the readership.

Now then listen up, you people

This time of unprecedented crisis has had many previous examples. The Red, Black, Bubonic, and Trudeau Plagues of the Middle Ages. The attacks of Mongols, Tatars, and other community organisers. The world has had many stressful centuries. We are unlucky in being alive while this one is raging and are only going to see an improvement in our luck if we are alive when it has passed.

I have consulted the rest of the family and concerted a course of action – it is informed by the most authoritative scientific research and backed by governmental approval and the blessing of Mark Zukerberg.

I am going to stay home, stay in and stay busy. I shall build 12 model aircraft over a series of months and then come up for air. I shall speak to others on computers and telephones and not worry who is eavesdropping. I shall take my daily tot of ethanol and not feel worried about the effect it might have on my morals. I shall exercise my morals in full view of the neighbours.

I shall cheerfully ditch plans to go overseas by any means short of a Heinkel 111 bomber. Ditto over east for at least 6 months and likely longer. I shall store up my wanderlust and only let it out in a year’s time. The desire to appear sophisticated and well-travelled has evaporated.

I shall read the library again. Already I have read something that was put on hold for 50 years. There are books at the back of the stack that are nearly as old and neglected and i will likely have forgotten whodunnit by now.

I shall learn to bake. Expect smoke and indigestion for awhile.

And I shall continue to say my piece and speak my mind as the weeks unfold. I’ll lose Facebook friends, I’m sure, but I won’t lose my soul.

*  Half-vast.