The Theme Park Of Our Dreams…A Modest Proposal

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Those of you who are easily offended will enjoy the next six inches of copy. You will have every opportunity to go incandescent with rage. You may want to put a layer of paper towels down on the chair and ask the family to step out for an hour.

I want to propose theme parks for the world that allow us to fulfill our worst fantasies, rather than our best. (  Nine Flags To Hell, if you will. )

In the modern world we have all come to hate someone. They might be a different race, nationality, or religion – they might be a different economic class or adherents to a different political philosophy – whatever…we hate them. But we are constantly enjoined to bury our differences and love them and cherish them and…and…and it is load of cobblers. We hate them. The horrid thing about it is that we are not allowed to express our hate or do anything about it – it sits in us and festers.

Well I propose that we see a multi-national organisation set up a chain of theme parks throughout the world to provide an enriching experience for those who hate without allowing it to go overboard. As a social safety net it should be just about perfect.

Say you are in Turkey and hate Kurds. Have hated them for years. Will hate them forever. Well you go along to our registered theme park: KurdWorld…and you pay your $ 75 at the gate and are let into an authentic recreation of  a Kurdish village. Houses, public buildings, open spaces…as good as the real thing. And it is peopled by trained actors who portray Kurds. But the secret is that they are also skilled acrobats and stage performers. They are trained to be able to absorb blows and not come to harm. So you can wade into them with fists and cudgels until you stand panting with exhaustion. You get the satisfaction of beating up on them and subjecting them to ‘ misery ‘ with the reassurance that you cannot do any lasting harm.

Now the same applies to whites, blacks, Asians, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Inuit, or any other division of mankind. You can hop in and whale away at Quakers, Mexicans, Liberals, Conservatives, or Germans to your heart’s content. Foam rubber weapons are available for hire at the gate and you can purchase disposable rubber gloves if you are afraid of getting any bodily fluids on you as you have fun.

Walt Disney never had it so good…mind you, if Walt had made a theme park where he could punch labour leaders and left-wing politicians he would probable still be going today. Fantasyland and Natureland were never this much fun!

For my part I am hoping that they will open a local theme park that allows me to beat up on pacifists. They’ve been responsible for all the peaces that we’ve been plagued with and it’s time they were made to pay for it. To the barricades!

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Bait Me Daddy, Eight To The Bar

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As the Right Evil Bastard of the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia I am often presented with appeals from members of the general public for redress against evildoers. This arises from what I feel to be a mis-understanding of the basic premise of the Guild. We are not here to protect you from your enemies. We are here to show you how to protect yourself…by destroying people BEFORE they become enemies. We are here to teach you how to murder your friends.

There are as many ways of doing this as there are Baskins-Robbins ice cream flavours – though most of what we preach is not as good as the salted caramel. If you are going to attack people one of the basic things you are going to have to learn, however, is how to protect yourself against countermeasures.

You are going to have to assume that everything you say will be noticed and that you will be called to account for this by either a legal body or the wider court of public opinion. You must secure your position beforehand by one of a number of ploys:

a. Play on age. Let people know that you are too young to be taken seriously before you attack them. If they respond you scurry behind your puberty and squall. Alternately, you work the ” I’m old and I don’t need to be nice to anyone anymore ” pedal as hard as you can. This is better done post-attack and you can then use pictures of Bea Arthur or Clint Eastwood to distract people.

b. Establish credentials with a ghostly third party. Claim to be religious and to enjoy the protection of divinity…even if the things you do are far from divine. At the very least you can say that you are merely repeating the teachings of whichever ancient legend is currently in fashion. Pick a legend that is not readily explainable.

c. Put a protective barrier of illness up and crouch behind it. This is the equivalent of setting up a shield on a battlefield and loading your  crossbow from behind it – sort of a mental pavise. You can paint what you like on the front: from anxiety to full-blown madness….whatever. You can even get away with physical ailments as long as they don’t show up on X-rays. The details are not important – what is vital is that you can duck behind it when someone shoots back.

d. Remember the old story-telling ruse – so often seen in Hollywood – that was invoked when an author ran out of ideas or painted his characters into such impossible plots that there was no way out. The publisher merely inserted ” And then he woke up and found it was all a dream…”. You can use this when caught out in some vileness – just say that it was all imagination and then tell people they have NO imagination or they would have seen that.

e. Dress oddly and act oddly for long enough that someone takes note. Then whenever you need to retreat from what you have said or done you can claim to be artistic. If you have a watercolour set you can claim to be an artist.

f. Never wade into an infantry assault when you can call in the artillery…or better yet, an air strike. When you want to be offensive or bigoted on social media, post other people’s reposts of whatever troublesome material you can find. It will still be nasty, but you’ll be wearing several layers of protection against being smirched by handling it. After all, it was just something you saw…

g. ” It was all a joke ” is one of the best quick throw-away excuses to try. In some cases it works, particularly if you accuse your now-enemy of having no sense of humour. It’s a dangerous defence though, as having cited humour, you are subject to it as well. Do not do this if your opponent has a ready wit – it will redound.

h. Can you cry? If you can you may be able to turn the tables on an opponent by the simple act of tearing up. Not so good if you are a nose-dribbler at the same time or experience the need to urinate. Pathos and bathos are too closely aligned.

Please be aware that there are also some standards connected to publishing – whether it is on the internet or in some more tangible form. Indeed, the electronic media is the more dangerous; anything said to your disadvantage may be stored for a thousand years and then trotted out to your embarrassment. And as it has a wider broadcast of good, it also has a larger spray of bad – and the subsequent penalty for that may be higher. Even if it only involves people seeing that you are a fool, your folly will be that much more evident.

All this having been said, it is still refreshing to see the number of Guild members who are prepared to go out there and defame, slander, and libel. It keeps the courts happy and the rest of us can concentrate on daily living. If there is the occasional fist in the teeth or writ in the mail, it os a small price to pay for demonocracy.

 

 

 

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Is My Black Shirt Ironed, Dear?

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Well, I am proud of myself. I read a genuine fascist book last night and did not throw it into the fire, though I was tempted. I must be maturing.

The book – ” the Battle of London ” – was apparently printed in 1923 in Great Britain by a firm called Herbert Jenkins. The back of the book lists some of their other publications and a mixed lot they are, too. They range from 7/6 novels to 3/6 poplars. One of the latter is P. G. Wodehouse’s * ” The Inimitable Jeeves “. You can even get down to 2/6 potboilers. I would imagine the difference in the prices is, to some extent, due to bindings and paper.

” The Battle Of London ” is cheap enough in itself – the sort of light card and cloth binding that signals the era – a book to be found on the shelves of a boarding house in a seaside resort. In my case I found it in a secondhand bookstore in Margaret River – odd enough location for any reader but a surprising treasure trove.

Well, to put it simply, the author called himself Hugh Addison but was really Harry Collison Owen – a sometime British Army officer and editor of a soldier’s paper in the Balkans in the 14/18. Couldn’t tell you what Mr. Owen liked, but I can tell you what he disliked; communism, labour unions, soviet Russia, and postwar Germany. He also disliked Bolsheviks, Jews, Asiatics, and Germans.

Rather surprisingly he liked Italian fascists and possibly Americans, though that might be a misreading of one of his characters.

The novel told of a communist plot to take over England in the 1920’s and the battle to stop it – centred chiefly around London. I suspect Mr Owen was enamoured of the German freikorps of the time as well, though he came to mentioning them and similar paramilitary groups on the continent only as introduction to his own invention – the ” Liberty League ” and the ” Iron Division “. British freikorps.

He set the plot going, then spun it out in the most melodramatic of boy’s adventure scenes. He let the forces of Red Terror advance and succeed and then beat them back with his own heroes. In the end he latched onto the interwar fear of aerial bombing and destroyed Westminster and Berlin with German and British triplanes respectively. All it took was one air raid on each city – I suspect Owen either could not think how to conduct an air war or just ran out of paper.

The most illuminating part of the book was the way Owen wrote about Asiatics and Jews – I’ll not repeat the insults and epithets, the slurs and calumnies. He was contemptuous of Germans and Russians to start with but settled that shortly by saying they were misled by ” other races”.  He did write an American character into the story and managed to attach a general racist attitude to him, but it was chiefly to sew together the English-speaking nations against those he considered lesser breeds.

Well, it was just a book, and a cheap one at that – I cannot see this having got over the 3/6 mark. And it was a long time ago and events have long since proved it to be false, but it was still a damnable thing. I wonder if it, and others like it, were the food that nourished Mosley. Did it fuel hatreds in other people?

Still, I read it through, and that is saying something. I’ll lend it to a friend with a warning, but I don’t suppose it will do him any harm. I would not lend it to susceptible people, however, any more than I would press the Protocols of Zion or Mein Kampf on them. I have no desire to start them out on freikorps re-enactment in 2019…no need for New Guards.

  • P.G Wodehouse. Now there was a staunch Englishman who would never have fascist sympathies………………..

Play Floating Sea Mine Game For Free On Android!

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Be the first kid on your block to put a hole in the hull of the Rottnest ferry! Blow up a River Wine Cruiser on the way to the Swan Valley! Play havoc with the SPYC Wednesday Evening regatta!

I think that I missed my calling. I should have been a game designer. After reviewing the latest on-line video games advertisements and seeing the re-jigged Pokemon game empty the pockets of the nation, I can see that normal human life and meaningful endeavour is just a mirage. A will o’ the wisp concept. Real life is a sad substitute for little phosphor dots on a mobile phone…

I do admit that I would have been hard pressed to think up some of the stuff that is marketed out there now. As a kid of the 50’s I tried to sink Jap carriers and shoot down Messerschmitts on the side-show alley pinball games of the time – done with BB’s and blinking lights and shadow projections – and I was prepared to spend precious nickels and dimes to do it…but I quail at some of the depictions of personal violence that feature in today’s video games. I’m not into shooting people with machine pistols. I concede that some people need shooting, but I would prefer leaving that to the professionals.

At the same time, I cannot really get involved with games that involve aliens, zombies, or unicorns. Or any other members of the left-wing socio-hippy society. The closest I am prepared to go with that is Space Invaders and that is because it reminds me of some in-laws.

Having lived on the killing plains of Alberta during the 50’s and 60’s I was particularly repulsed by the old 80’s arcade game Missile Command. I tried to play it but could not avoid thinking that the cities at the bottom were Spokane and Seattle and Calgary and Edmonton and Vancouver and, and, and it is is sometimes not at all nice to play the death of yourself and your family and your friends…

The Guild Guide To Making A Meme

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And we should have added – to making a meme memorable.

Lately the Guild Facebook account has been flooded with memes that have a political or religious connection. While there are still kittens and pandas, they are losing out in people’s reaction to the news – and a new trend in meming is appearing: the earnest statement that ends in a flippant insult. It is a sad waste of opportunity  – it never persuades and it rarely insults.

An example; recently a meme appeared with the map of Australia on it  – always a good way to present an idea if you are aiming it at the Down Under market – and made a series of statements that expressed kindly support for Muslim people. It urged those of other faiths to treat them fairly. It was a reasonable and responsible document until you got to the last line…where it said that if you did not agree you were an ignorant racist arsehole. Exact wording.

Not good. That last line reduced the document to the level of statements made by just the sort of unpleasant people it excoriated. As the meme invited people to agree and share – and a surprising number of them did so in a click – they all identified themselves with the language. Think about it…you may be tarred with a brush, but you do not have to wield it yourself, nor do you need to apply an undercoat and two finishing layers…

A better way is to say what you mean to say openly, and fairly and politely. Say it with correct spelling and punctuation as good as you can manage. By all means include a visual that takes the attention, but it should not be a derogatory image or photoshopped screen grab. Whatever you mean to say will be demeaned by these means, if you know what I mean. Don’t be mean.

And don’t just click agreement if you have something to say. Say it yourself. Say it in your own words. Use your mind, not your finger.

Save insults for when they can do the most good. The formal dinner – the private consultation in the club boardroom – the bedroom. If you succeed you will be successful and if you fail you will be spared the indignity of failing in public.

Buy A Meme Now

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The Backstabbers Guild Of Australia has a great offer for you – your own meme. Your own damaging meme. An image of you taken at a time when a puff of wind has displaced your hair – or the edge of your dress – and you have been made to look awkward. If you have a silly expression on your face at the time…or really any expression at all… our talented team of BGA writers will craft a satirical sentence to make you look even worse. Ever so much worse.

Our service here is comprehensive – once the meme is made, the IT team will size and reduce it for inclusion on all social media platforms – Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., and the Distribution Department will make sure that it hits the computer and cell-phone screens of the entire world. Not only that, but we have dedicated operatives around the globe who will make sure that it is re-tweeted or re-sent for weeks after the first exposure. You’ll never be out of the public eye, nor will your name ever be off the lips of the electronic audience. They will laugh you to scorn for months. People will spit at you in the street…

You look concerned. Is that a frown on your face? Have you missed the point of this communication?

This is all possible, and given the number of enemies that you have, probable. But it need not be. One cheque and it all goes away. We are not enthusiasts. We are not zealots. We are not pitiless avengers of political wrong.

We are business people. Did you want a receipt with that?

The Guild Guide To Political Correctness

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The Backstabbers Guild Of Australia has a proud history of standing up for free speech, for equal rights, and for the purpose of getting out the door before the cops arrive. By the same token, we will not generally stand up for national anthems or nursing mothers on crowded buses so I guess that sort of equals things out. We do have an unequivocal position on the subject of political correctness; we are prepared to be one thing or the other, but not both together.

Let me give an example. Or rather, let me offer you a very good price on this example. You may pay by clicking the “scam” button on your keyboard. Thank you.

When we correct someone, it is not necessarily a political act. If they have written 2 + 4 = 7 instead of 2 + 4 = 8 it is an act of kindness to point it out. If we are persistent, and calm, and perfectly serious we can get them to change it to 8 and leave it at that. This is simple charity.

When we offer someone politics, either in theoretical terms like an election pamphlet, or in practical terms like a beating with an axe handle in front of the factory gates, it need not be correct. These days we are allowed to be passionate and that will excuse us. The Guild can train people to passion and the rates for the short course are very reasonable. Bring a clean towel and loosen your shirt collar.

The modern tendency to want both attributes in one is where the problem comes in – at the best it is nursery-school manners slapped onto adults like pabalum onto a waistcoat…and at worst it is rigid coercion wrapped in righteousness. The wise Guildperson will avoid both approaches.

If you want someone to say something in support of you there are dozens of ways to make this happen – from a simple request with a smile to a simple request with a smile and a revolver. A true Guild salesperson will “sell ” an opinion, rather than force it…and I know you agree with me because up until now the tyres on your car have no nails in them, if you know what I mean. No, don’t start up like that.

If, on the other hand you seek to stifle the voice of someone there is no need to go to all the trouble of press statements, demands for justice, complaints to statutory bodies, and the heavy handed machinery of the courts. The answer is far simpler. The Guild. We have been stifling voices for decades and there is still plenty of room in the basement. And now that the internet and social media is so prevalent there is hardly any need to use older methods – our Meme Department  can handle most of the requests we receive.

Nothing could be easier. You send us a large cheque and write on the back of it the name of the person you wish us to deal with. A note of their email address or website is also a  help. The Meme Department researches the subject, finds the most effective way of representing them in a bad light on social media, and floods it from multiple platforms.  Whether the meme needs kittens or cadavers, we can supply it ready-made. Foreign language memes can also be had for a surcharge.

The anxiety and time that this saves the average client is inestimable. And if the cheque clears…none of it ever needs to stick.