Don’t Worry. We’re From The Government.

Okay. I won’t worry.

Now that I’m free of angst, how about you give me some money? Don’t need a lot, but some would be nice. I’ll decide how much.

You look worried. You’re from the government, right?

Well, now that we’ve gotten over that hurdle, let’s get to the bits that really need fixing now – the shops. Which shops? The ones that are open that ought to be closed and the ones that are closed and ought to be opened. You’re from the government and you are good at opening and closing doors.

Open: The bookstores and art galleries in Melbourne before 10:00AM. The hotel cocktail bars until 3:00PM. Coffee shops 24/7 with good cakes.

Close: The TAB and the Casino

Result: Elevation of culture and happiness.

Do I sound like a Puritan and a kill-joy? Does the black hat and the buckled shoes tell you anything? If your joy is found in losing your family’s food money every week, I’m all for killing that one. But don’t let me stop other, kinder pleasures:

a. Sport. Pointless, but won’t bankrupt you if you don’t bet on it.

b. Exercise. Short of detached cartilage and heart attacks, it is said to be good for you. It’s good for the gym owner, anyway.

c. Gardening. If you are prepared to spend a good deal of sweat and pain killing expensive seedlings, gardening is for you. Eventually the ground fills up with so much mulch from the dead plants that something starts to grow. Accept whatever comes up and flourishes, even if it gives you a rash.

d. Hobbies. Pick a pointless one so that when you fail you aren’t cut up about it. If you do get good at it, pester people to look at what you’ve done.

e. Progressively weirder sex relationships. Once you introduce your second mistress to your spouse’s third dominatrix you can start to lay down material for a novel. You may wish to make diagrams of the more complex couplings in case something gets stuck somewhere.

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