I have finally woken up to where the money is. I’ve been promoting the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia for years and taking modest amounts of cash from people who have been betrayed – and large amounts of cash from people who want to learn how to do it for themselves. Now it is time to go for the Mother Lode – the formation of a church.
Note I do not require people to adhere to any form of superstitious belief – no faith is needed. You can be as cynical or as blasé as you like in the COTB. Your religious opinions are your own and I would be loathe to try to alter them. The COTB welcomes all faiths and all faithlessnesses with open arms.
What do you get in the church? You get redemption. What are you redeemed from? Your sins. What are your sins? Why anything you care to mention. It is for you to define your own worthlessness and for us to put a price upon it. It is a simple matter of probing your deepest secrets and then charging you for forgiveness. If you do not wish to be forgiven we can recover some of the capital costs by turning you in to the authorities. After all, we have your confession on record…
Should this seem a little harsh we remind you that you do not need to confess your own sins – those of people you know will do quite as well. Just let us have details and access to the passwords and we’ll do the rest. You can earn virtue points by shopping and bonus virtue points for shopping all your friends.
Now, about this little matter of your time at Uni and that party…It’s not too late to bury the evidence for a small fee. No, we don’t give receipts.