Bulletin No. 1 – I Have Decided To Prevent Happiness In The Unworthy

Having constituted myself supreme authority in the land – you may not have noticed the change last week, but I assure you we did try to contact the people who matter – I have set out to reform the nation. While the items of lesser importance like life and death can be safely left in the hands of the Department of Life and Death I shall devote my time to adjusting the level of happiness.

In some cases it will go up – in others it will go down. Whether you experience the first or the second will depend upon a number of factors:

a. Whether you are worthy or unworthy.

b. Whether you have been polite to me in the past or not.

These seem to be simple enough criteria to begin with – undoubtedly further qualification will occur as time goes on. But let us start easily.

You will be considered worthy if you share my skin colour, shape of eyelid, hair colouring, and sex. Not that I am sharing sex with just anyone, you understand. I have standards.

You will also be considered worthy if your possessions – money, cars, dwelling places, clothing, etc. match, within a stated range, my own fortunes.

Finally, you are in the club if you share my religious and/or moral beliefs and are interested in the same hobbies as I am.

The Unworthy…and I capitalise their name to allow the proper authorities to recognise them more easily…will be people who fall outside these reasonable boundaries. Thus the very poor or very rich, the very simple or the very complex, and the ALL very vexatious will be subject to new laws to be announced. They need have no fear – no terrible fate will be visited upon them – but they must understand that they are Unworthy.

These two categorizations will instantly affect the happiness of the masses. Those on my right side will beam with pleasure and those on the left frown with distress. This is clearly stated in the Smile-Frown Bill of 2019. Trained operatives are standing by to ensure that this happens. Call now.

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