Next Level Anonymous

The current craze for anonymity is premature – anyone who wants to be truly invisible should turn 67 and retire. No-one will find you, because no-one will look.

People spend a great deal of time and money to remove themselves from the view of others. Sometimes from the purview as well. It is largely a waste, as the same effect can be achieved by a few simple steps:

a. Publish your full name. All three or four names. if you are Spanish, all eight names. People shy away from individuals who are seeking publicity in the first place. You clever Facebook pseudonym may look cool, but if you want to be ignored, use your regular one.

b. Sell something. Something useful, or well-made, or common. No-on in their right mind will take the slightest interest. They’ll all be off looking at cat videos or buying ethical vegetable slicers.

c. Support the President. Not the current one, nor the predecessor. Pick one about nineteen presidencies back and rally people to his cause. Offer to accept donations for a memorial.

d. Become mystical. Mystical sells, and the people who buy it are a precious asset. Do not lose them, nor their banking details.

e. Time-share. I’ll say no more, but I’ll get back to you on your Facebook feed and Messenger, and email and with notes in your post box.

c. Consider adopting an indigenous name. It need not be a locally indigenous one – you can pick Bolivia or Baffin Island if you like – but give yourself a good solid undercoat of native colour and see how far people will run. If you like, start to rename everything in the suburb.

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