I’ll Expose Your Crimes For Money

Or, if you’d care to pay a little more, I could conceal them.

That’s not blackmail – that’s investigative journalism on the net at election time. The difference between the two crimes is the former gets you into jail and the latter gets you into office. I will leave it to you to decide which career pathway seems most attractive.

Don’t worry that I’ve uncovered sins or crimes with sneaky tactics or hidden cameras. I have no money for more cameras as it is. No, my evidence against you has been gathered by the good old process of listening to you brag and watching you make an ass of yourself. It is good, solid, reliable dirt I have collected and I have you to thank. You are the most accurate authority there is on you.

At one time this would have been an expensive exercise – taking you out to fancy dinners and plying you with costly wines. Now, however, it comes cheap – I just monitor your responses to the social media and note your gaffes. The store of embarrassments is embarrassingly large.

Of course, if you elect to go the Johnny D route and go onto prime time television news making an ass of yourself, a lot of the hot air will go out of the reputation balloon. It may not have enough lift to get itself off the ground, let alone raise you in a noose.

We may have to settle for telling people that you are cancelled and let you slide over the side quietly. Try not to gurgle on the way down.

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