BGA Scam Competition!

And it’s real and free and you can do it from the comfort of your own home!

We are all beset by scam calls on our telephones these days. The people who use mobile phones get them dinging away in their pockets as soon as their number is captured and sold by some hacker. The people with land lines are exposed by the telephone directories.

There is generally a silent ranging call that tells an automatic capture device that someone will pick up the receiver. Then it is routed to the steam room where humans at desks punch up our numbers and start on a spiel to con us. It can supposedly involve Telstra, NBN, Microsoft, or some other pretext to penetrate our computer system and find out money numbers. It is so obvious and so hackneyed as to be beneath contempt.

Yet, it is a wonderful opportunity for theatre and backstabbing…and I know you all love that. Here is how to start having fun.

a. Invent a person who you are not, living in a place remote from you. Give them a name – one that you can easily remember in the heat of the moment. If they are to be from a very foreign place, listen to people who come from there and try to pick up the salient features of their accent. The better at this you are, the more fun you can have.

b. Decide what personality this phantom will have. Sweet, mean, religious, vulgar…you plan it out.

c. Seek a set of words from the foreign language to sprinkle into the conversation. Make a list to keep by the phone.

Now when Bombay calls…and it will…it’ll call repeatedly. After the silent ranging shot, you’ll have three human calls; generally from three different operators out of the same steam room.

Start by answering with the telephone greeting of the foreign country you wish to use. ” Allo, Allo ” works as a generic one if you can’t find a specific. ” Blodichski here ” also works for middle Europe and the Balkans. Let the Indian caller start on their script. Then interrupt, in a heavy accent.

” How you get number? ” ” Who calling? ” ” You no call this number never! “. All good ones. Then go silent.

” Where you think you call, Hey? ” is good too, and if you then interrupt them to tell them they are speaking to Bulgaria or Austria or Belgium, they are instantly on the back foot.

” What you want, Hey ? ” lets them gather breath and switch back to the script. But if you repeat it about four times they are stuck repeating their spiel. When they make the inevitable mistake you bore in and say that they have started to lie.

The competition is a timed event. You start your stopwatch at the moment you pick up the phone and stop it when they break the connection. Longest waste of their time wins. If they pass you to a supervisor you start the sequence again.

I am currently tossing up between being Herr Doktor Stein from Schönwies or Boris Blodichki from Brestova. The Doktor is a cultivated man in retirement who can still accept private patients who wish to undergo ” The Cure ” at the Klinik… Boris is a fish farmer who doesn’t tolerate thieves in his ponds. He has a machine gun.

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