I’ll Unsupport You If You’ll Promise To Unsupport Me

I’ve decided to harvest happiness.

If you have any of it growing in your yard, leave the side gate open and I’ll get round to you later in the week. You might want to tie up the cat – I’ve wanted to tie ours up for years.

While I’m waiting for the refrigerator techs to arrive – I intend to snap freeze the happiness – I’ll just extend my net of evil out over the social networks. Avoiding Instagram as a complex nuisance, I shall concentrate on Facebook. There are a number of ” friend ” requests that have languished for years and now is the time to activate them. I’ve let people off far too easily for far too long.

With an increased reader base I should be able to entertain, enlighten, and enrage more effectively. There will always be a certain percentage of spoilsports who de-friend me at the slightest suggestion of cannibalism, but I have learned to take the precaution of screen shots each day. That way I can tell who has actually defected and send out the appropriate agent of revenge.

Those who merely pause me for 30 days or unfollow me are safe from both scrutiny and malice – I do it all the time for others. Some come back from the brink eventually, and are better for it. This is as much a change in my regard for them as it is a change in their behaviour.

The real benefit from increasing the friend catch in the net net is the others who connect to them – that ever-tenuous string of mutual friends that we read about. But I have a more ambitious request – and I’d like to put it straight to the Facebook hierarchy:

Give us a list of mutual enemies. We can do far more effective gossiping if we have definite targets in view. And as you see all of our connections and read all of our communications, think of what an additional gold mine of data you can harvest! We are far more likely to give you the juicy bits if we are talking about our enemies. Even if we are exaggerating, there will be a kernel of truth in there and you can mill it out.

Twenty honest people will not tell a lie, but twenty liars can tell a truth. A truth that the honest will then keep silent about.

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