I May Look Grim

But it’s all a fairy tale – I have a heart of pure iron pyrites.

Kindliness has always come easily to me…or else I send out the deputies with the bloodhounds. Either way, my milk of human kindness has won many a prize ribbon at the Royal Show Dairy Competitions – particularly in the curd and cheese classes. And I am fair about it; I treat everyone badly.

In this I follow my ancestral roots. We have always been serious people; dour, sour, and determined. My Great – Ancestress Gertrude the Glower was famous for her ability to shatter stones with a glance. She had a great career in the granite quarry until she developed short-sightedness. After that the best she could do was kidney stones.

Being hard-faced and forbidding has many advantages in society. Fewer people try to borrow money from you and the ones who do pay it back quickly. You are not asked to sit on many committees. No-one wants you as a babysitter. It is one of the most soothing of attitudes.

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