Motive And Opportunity

A very nice lady I know is a motivational speaker. She must do it well, because people ask her to come talk to them all the time.

I’m a motivational speaker, too. But in my case I motivate people to find the exit and dive through it. I don’t feel bad about this, as it means less crowd around the tea urn at break time – and a better chance at the iced biscuits. You may wish to follow some of my tips when next you are asked to speak in public.

a. Address your audience properly. ” Ladies and Gentlemen ” is too old-fashioned for anyone these days and will open the door to complaints from both the sexed and the unsexed. Far better to have a generally inclusive greeting – or in my case unclusive. I stand up when I start and yell ” Yo, Dawgs. Whassup! “. Methodist charity committee meetings take on a whole new tone.

b. Dress for success. Or, if you really do not want to have to stay past the break, suckcess. Faded has been made fashionable and torn a matter of big bespoke bucks. But no-one yet has foisted urine-stained on the general public as a statement. If you want to be the first one on your block…

c. Pick one person in the audience to speak to. No, really, do it. Stride right down to their seat, loom over them, and deliver the whole spiel into their face. You may not sway the rest of the crowd, but one person will never forget you.

d. Be brief. And wear them, too. On the outside. See ( b. ) above.

e. Powerpoint is a good way to kill large numbers of people legally. You cannot be convicted in any court in the land. All the deaths will be written down as suicide.

f. Remember to thank your hosts. Nothing says gratitude like an invoice, unless it is a summons.

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