Can’t Cancel? Edit.

If you have been pleased and impressed with the success of the latest social media phenomenon – cancel culture – and have wanted to try your hand at it, this is the post for you. Read on before it is deleted.

Cancelling is becoming more popular as teams of virtue researchers comb the records of public figures for incidents of shameful behaviour. These are brought forward into the light of the internet and used to damage the reputations and fortunes of the guilty parties. Of course, if they are members of the correct party, they need never be guilty, eh?

But what are we to do with people who are not in the public eye socket or any other nationally-broadcast orifice? How can we harm the quiet – or destroy the meek? It is very frustrating – some of these people are our friends and neighbours. They are there for the harvest…yet protected by their very obscurity.

If you can trick them into denouncing the Queen or wearing a Black And White Minstrel outfit to church you can springboard off that and expose them with a hashtag. You might have to follow about a bit to produce the results, but if you can provoke them, eventually it will pay off. One of the bonuses of steering the conversation into dangerous waters is they can be promptly wrecked without having to do weeks of tedious internet research.

Tip: Keep your mobile phone handy to film them when they start to say or do something that can be used. If they nearly blunder, but not quite, you can always edit the sound stream to add the odd word. Competent voice actors can be hired for reasonable rates.

The Vigilance Committee keeps a central register of cancelees and is always eager to learn of new sinners. You can add their Cotton Mather app to your phone to enable you to send evidence instantly. Of course this is anonymous, as is all material on your computer.

BTW, your cooling fan is playing up. Our tech detected it – better have that seen to before the summer returns. Also the milk in your fridge is out of date.

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