When are we going to stop answering the ridiculous questions posed on Facebook? The quizzes, the tests, the reminiscences…The questions designed to elicit information about us that can be on-sold to scammers and hackers.
When? When we move on to the real stuff – the sort of questions that main-line through to the steam rooms of Asia – the dank basements of Kharkov – the third office from the left at Langley. Questions like:
a. What year did a major league baseball star blow bubblegum up your ass?
b. How much money do you have and where is it?
c. Are they open right now?
As you can tell, this is a delicate operation that needs careful handling. Not everyone will want to admit to bubblegum. The bank account numbers and passwords are just trivialities.
I have taken advice from a security expert in Cell 17 and decided to change all the facts about my life. Not just in the social media pages, either. I have changed my name, moved to a new house, and ordered a new wife and family from the catalogue. Even the dog has been switched for a cat – named Fido.
The passwords that guard my vast wealth have been swapped to 56-character ones that change hourly on an automatic basis. My money is secure forever, as neither I nor any of the security staff at the bank can access anything. We are having trouble getting the door to the restroom open.
The one thing I am confident of retaining is my identity. I have placed it on the verge on three separate council collection days and no-one will touch it. The only person who wants to be me is me.