Woke

I have been investigating this word recently – prompted by seeing it in social media posts. I wasn’t quite sure what it meant in the context of the various little posts and memes but eventually someone explained that it meant ” aware of social injustices “.

Ah, social injustices. Those situations when someone has something you want to have but you cannot take it without being seen. So you squall. Terrible times.

I cannot right most social injustices, what with the firearm laws in this country being what they are, but I can at least provide support for the woke of the land. I’ll be dispensing it three weeks next Thursday from the back of a truck.

Having successfully disposed of this, I turned my attention to other words that could be made to act as communication codes. There are six vowels in the alphabet – no need to change the entire thing – just substitute one and then use it awkwardly.

a. A.

Wake. Well, there are wakes held after a person is dead and wakes that trail after a ship at sea. No need to disturb or co-opt these. I’ll add two a’s and write waake.

This means a street demonstration held in front of television cameras for the purpose of complaining about the state of something that the government either has or hasn’t done. If you do it on Friday you can make a long weekend every month.

Note that this is a really bad idea in Tiananmen Square at any time.

b. E.

Weke. Wonderful word. You can describe anyone you don’t like as weke and they can’t sue you for defamation. It sounds as if you have called them weak, but it really means a candle wick.

c. I.

Wike. Perfect word for any all-purpose job. You need to stop up a sink? Use a wike. You need to accuse the assistant treasurer of stealing raisins? Call him or her a wike. By the time people figure out that there is no such word you’ll be round the corner.

d. O.

Covered already. Still bad grammar, but the people who use it treasure it for just that reason.

e. U.

Wuke. Another freie vogel of a word. You can freely use it to punish whom you will, and they have no legal recourse. It can be inserted into any English essay and even pissy Pommy pedants will be stumped. If you give to to someone else to use they can get into a pub argument with it and you just stand back and watch the punches.

f. Y.

Wyke. As long as you are not in Bradford in the UK this is a perfectly good word to use against your friends. If you are in Bradford, don’t ask for a bacon butty. Don’t ask me why…

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