Boneless Cat

Not a new dish at the local gourmet restaurant – Boneless Cat is an actual feline who lives with us. He is a Siamese of a certain age, but as he came to us voluntarily we have no idea what age that is. Perhaps it is rude to enquire.

He eats regularly, sleeps regularly, and regularly used to bring dead animals to our front door…and devour them. Our neighbour’s mango trees are a ratopolis, so he has his choice whenever he cares to shop.

He doesn’t attack the local birds – as the only candidates are too tough to tackle. They are either Willy Wagtails who front up and defy him or elderly ravens who walk up, give him the evil eye, and stalk away. I am a friend of the cat, but I secretly admire the birds.

The boneless part comes when the cat decides to sleep in an inconvenient place. Inconvenient to the rest of us – not to him. These sites can include my pillow, my side of the bed, or on the air spoiler of my little car. The sleeping seems normal; eyes closed, tail tucked in, etc. The boneless part comes when you actually have to drive off or go to bed yourself.

Then the cat will open one aged rheumatic eye and make a pitiful mewling noise to indicate that he is too decrepit to move. At the same time he secretly flicks on the electromagnet that locks him onto the steel of the car body or the cloth of the pillow. No amount to pushing will shift Boneless. Boneless seemingly weighs 80 lbs. You must scoop him up like a forklift and stagger away to deposit him elsewhere. All the while the piteous pleas…

Note that when dinnertime comes and the back door opens, he is in like a greased torpedo to get to the food bowl. The sound he makes is akin to an air-raid siren. Boneless has come to life.

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