Be Neighbourly

Unless you’re Germany. In that case, stop marching and stay home.

If, however, you are not heavily-armed, do try to make friends with the people next door. There are plenty of memes and sayings that tell us we’re all in this together and that we should love one another. If you are prepared to talk to your neighbours you can all agree to ignore this advice together.

Now, every neighbourhood has their bad element. To prevent being attacked by them, it is wise to be the bad element yourself. Depending upon where you live, this may be a surprisingly easy task. For instance:

a. If you are in a Hindu neighbourhood, hold frequent BBQ’s with whole-roast sides of beef. If you want to be hard-core, hold them in the front yard.

b. If you are the Hindu person in the white neighbourhood, fry garlic in a Bessemer converter in the back yard. Wait until the wind is favourable to carry the smell to everyone else. Wear a gas mask.

c. Lawn mowers are meant to be heard and the best time to make them sing is when everything else is silent. 3:00AM is a quiet hour.

d. Would you like to be a religious visitor? We can send you a bumper parcel of 5000 assorted tracts; Muslim extremist, fundamental Baptist, alien conspiracy, etc. etc. There will be enough to go round for everyone. Everybody likes tracts.

e. ” Granny , does your dog bite? “

” Yes, child. Yes “

And so it starts. Biting is the clean end of Granny’s dog…

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