Please Contact Us On Our Hell Line

No, it’s not a misprint. We have outsourced customer service once and for all.

We got tired of the incoming calls from people who wanted us to do things that would require:

a. Effort.

b. Kindness.

c. Loss of profit.

d. Admissions of guilt or incompetence.

None of these problems exist now that there are actual, rather than amateur, demons answering the phone. There are still problems, mind, but they are the ones that the customers have when they ring in and the Hell line makes sure that these are not transferred to us. It is a carefree arrangement and we are satisfied.

This may seem a cold and uncaring attitude upon our part – but we assure you that the location of the new call centre is anything but cold. And in fact the new business arrangements are the result of customer suggestion. Whenever we have failed to please you in the past you have suggested that we go to Hell. It was only a matter of time before management listened.

Those customers who do not have a mobile phone are encouraged to download the app on their lawnmower and contact us for speedy service.

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