It’s Only Sex If…

a. You take your clothes off.

Well that idea went out of the window as soon as I saw the latest fetish publications on sale at the local newsagent. Apparently you can have sex whilst encased in an armoured deep-sea diving suit.

You want to grease your nipples beforehand, mind, and made sure your flanges fit.

b. You are prone.

I assure you – very few of the people in the highly-coloured magazines are prone. In fact I would bet on them having bad backs for years after some of those positions. Gravity may be assisting some of it but a lot of the sex is more related to gymnastics.

c. Something goes into something else.

Actually, it would appear that there is a lot of canoodling where nothing fits anywhere and no-one seems to regret it. Combinations of parts unknown features largely in some magazines.

d. There is a climax.

Okay. I’m willing to accept that there has to be a climax. Here is a Climax.

Now either light a cigarette or roll over and go to sleep.

e. There is agreement between the sexists.

Controversial grounds here. If one of the sexists is asleep it is not sex – it is a felony. If both are asleep it is a new-age French film production. If neither of them are there at the time you can suspect the lawyers for the defendant.

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