Normal Relations

Whenever we see the above phrase in the newspaper it’s always connected with politics. Either they are being broken off or restored between Power A and Power B. Neither alternative does the bulk of the population much good.

Occasionally it crops up in reference to sex…or it used to, when there was some sort of agreement on what was normal. In reality that agreement was just cultural sham – nothing about sex is normal. How do I know? Well if something is normal it can be done outside the public library at lunchtime, right?

You try stripping off and going for your life on the steps round our local library and see how long it takes for the sirens to start arriving. And the fire hoses.

And at this time of year there is no place for normal relations at holiday celebrations. Have a look at yours – and your spouse’s – relatives as well. No yardstick of normality could really be brought to bear on any of them. Possibly a 2 x 4 of mild chastisement would work.

Every year brings more freaks to the show as families grow and children go out and make unfortunate life choices. The ones who bring these unfortunate choices to the dinner table are the ones to watch out for…because unfortunate choices also have relatives and none of them are normal. The best you can hope for is out for the day from the remand centre. Try to ignore the ankle monitor’s beeping.

Note: None of the above applies to me. I am normal. And I have discharge papers to prove it.

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