Thank You For Coming, Professor.

Well, thank you for inviting me, Ross. I’m always glad to bring the latest research from the BGA Institute to the television audience. It’s important to reach out to people.

” What have you got for us tonight, Professor? “

Well tonight, Ross, I can finally explain one of the mysteries that has been puzzling people in the northern hemisphere for centuries; namely, where do the flies go in winter.

” By Golly, that’s right! We don’t see them after October. Where do they go, Professor?”

Easy, Ross. They go to Australia and New Zealand. As you can see from this world globe, these islands – Australia is the larger one covered in sand and New Zealand is the little ones covered in sheep – are away down south where the sun goes when it gets to be winter up here in civilisation. And all the flies follow the sun.

You see they get free food and rent assistance and travel cards and other concessions from the governments. They are allowed to gather in large groups outside Parliament House or on a dead carcass and no-one can shoo them off. Here’s a picture of them protesting outside the Mortein factory.

Now you mustn’t think that this is just a free-for-all. Flies have responsibilities, just like we do. Though they take them more seriously than many residents of New York or Toronto. When they swarm they do so at a socially-responsible distance.

And they have a strict social order. The most senior ones with wings are known as the fellow travellers, the middle ranks of pupae are the useful idiots, and the rest of the mass of maggots are the lickspittles. Quite literally. Actually they’ll lick anything, which explains a lot about the voting in the recent election.

” Well, that’s fine, Professor. We’ll wrap it up now and look forward to your next talk. What’ll you have for us then? “

The BGA guide to the Famille royale canadienne. We’ll be darned, eh?

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