Are You Sorry?

Are you sorry enough? If this weblog column is being read in Oklahoma, are you sorry with a fringe on top? I need to know these things to write up the warrant.

In Australia we have been invited, cajoled, and commanded to be sorry. In most case this has been about the plight of the aborigines. Sorry, indigenes. Sorry, Blacks. I’ll keep a little sorrow in reserve for whatever particular name becomes fashionable in a year’s time.

I’ll also need to be careful that there is enough apology available for whoever the local socialists wish to put up next. It’s no good running out of cringe when new victims are advertised. I made that mistake a few years ago by jeering at the people smuggling trade and look how bad that has affected my life and prospects. I can hardly get a job as a stand-up comedian on the chardonnay circuit any more. One bad review from New Socialist and you’re toast.

This is not to say I am not genuinely sorry on occasion – sorry for real things that I have actually done – or not done – and for which I can feel some remorse. I like to term this Free Range Sorrow and it always costs a little more. And that is the central point of most emotion expressed on the internet. It must be made to pay – or it’s not going to get a space on the screen.

Of course it’s a little hard to say what side-bar advertisement goes best with grovelling. Leather handbags and Swiss watches are the advertisements that are currently popping up on ZBC – the Zuckerberg Broadcasting Channel – but this may change any time. I need to have something that makes me look virtuous alongside underwear advertisements.

Perhaps if I apologise while wearing underwear…

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